Lost and sad.

[Taz22]

Hi,

This is my first time posting so feel a bit silly but I know I need to start somewhere before I take another step in the wrong direction. 

I'm recently out of a 3 and a half year relationship. The thing with it was that for 2 years of the relationship, we did it long distance between Ireland and Australia. I'm only 22 but I based my whole life plan around it and my goal was to move back there next year after Uni. He broke up with me though because of the distance and my world seemed to shatter. Nothing made sense. This is when the bad choices started.. 

I was very quickly approached by what seemed to be a knight in shining armour who distracted me from the pain and had me convinced that I was wonderful when I felt so low.. I knew I wasn't over my ex and might never be but he assured me I was worth the wait etc.etc. And admittedly the distraction really did help. Up until the point where he decided to end it by txt the morning of my half-way ball that I invited him to but still went himself. I then got so drunk that I woke up in bed the next day and didn't know how I got there.. I was told that I cried, fell, shouted... and overall made a fool out of myself.  I'm so embarrassed and I was so scared.. I've always been a happy person and I don't know how I reached this point where I don't want to leave my room out of embarrassment and shame.. 

My mum is also going through a bit of a scare as she has to go for a biopsy for possible breast cancer and I can't seem to think anything but the worst. She may have nothing wrong but I can't think anything but the worst.. I can't stop crying about that either.

I've never felt so lost. I'm surrounded by people but I feel embarrassed and that I deserve to stay in my room. I'm worried my mum is sick. I always thought I'd move back to Ireland next year but now I don't know if I can.. I'm a girl who needs a plan and I have none.. I feel too embarrassed to go to class tomorrow because I don't know how to face anyone.. I don't know how I became the girl who drinks so much that I black out and cry... I'm scared that I reached that point.. I feel lost and feel like I need to hide in my room and stick my head in the sand and that everyone is judging me because I know I'm judging myself...

I just don't know where to start to be me again.  

Any advice would be amazing and so totally appreciated because I've never felt so lost.

Thank you 

[AGrace]

Hi Taz,

Welcome, there's no need to feel silly, all of us here had to start somewhere. Making your first post can be a bit daunting, but everyone here is supportive, and no one will judge you.

I think it's safe to say that many of us have experienced one of those drunken nights that we wish we could forget. The funny thing is that most of your friends have probably already forgotten about it, we tend to be a little self absorbed when we're young, so your friends are more than likely thinking about themselves. 

Have you texted your friends to tell them how embarrassed you are? It might break the ice before your class tomorrow. 

The other question I have for you is does this kind of binge drinking happen often?

With regards to your mum you're probably feeling a bit helpless. Have you chatted with her about how you're feeling? We tend not to want to burden loved ones when they are unwell, but she is your mum and im sure she would want to know how you are coping with her news.

Do you think moving to Ireland is still something you have your heart set on? It's a decision that you would want to make for you, not for anyone else. I'm sorry for the loss of your relationship, have you had a chance to explain to your ex that you still want to go to Ireland? We never know what might happen in the future, your relationship may rekindle when you get there. If you're a girl who has always had a plan, then maybe think about what going to Ireland would entail if you were still to go. Would you study or work? Do you have friends there? What would be your accommodation plans? Would your ex still be happy to help you settle? 

Mr Knight in shining armor was probably only ever going to be a bandaid for your sadness. I wouldn't give him too much thought, it sounds like you were still in love with someone else at the time anyway. 

I hope you will find the strength to come out of your room, it will be a pretty lonely existence otherwise. I'd love to hear back from you.

AGrace