I am struggling to cope...

[everhopeful87]

Um...not really sure where to start on something like this, but I am struggling with coping with my down thoughts all the time. About 3 years ago my partner of 2.5 years left me with his final words being "you are no longer worth my time, and you don't deserve to be happy". Ever since then I have had a string of "relationships" where it either ends up that I am only being used for one thing or it turns out that they are "not ready for a relationship." I finally met someone about 3 months ago that new everything about me, we got along great, he wasnt the most attractive, but his personality won me over. Things were going great, he knew that I was afraid of getting hurt and that I had walls built up, but he managed to make me not want to have walls with him and so I let my guard down. Out of nowhere 3 weeks ago he pulled the usual "Im just not ready for a relationship". I spiralled down hill fast, not so much over the breakup but to me it feels like I will never find that happiness with a partner. I am constantly afraid of being alone and am so lonely that it makes getting out of bed difficult each and every day. I have seen a dr and can't get in to a psychologist until the end of sept and I just needed to vent to people that I hope would have some understanding. 

What coping mechanisms can I use to get me through this? I seriously don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, and I am petrified of being the crazy cat lady. I am 27 by the way. 

When my partner left 3 years ago my soul felt like it was crushed, and it took me months to recover, and I developed a codeine addiction. I have since kicked the habit, decided alcohol is not my friend and am trying to make positive changes in my life, but on bad days it feels as if I have taken 1 step forward but 30 million backwards. How do you convince yourself that you are worth something when everything and everyone around makes me feel like I am not? 

I know there are worse things going on in people's lives, and whinging over a breakup seems so petty to me. but I just can't escape the bad thoughts in my head, and constantly hope that the next morning I won't wake up, because then I don't have to deal with this anymore.

Sorry about the rant. 

[white knight]

Hi Everhopeful,

Sorry to hear of your relationship struggles.  And dont fool yourself, a split relationship can be a grief period not unlike a death close to you. So the grief can be crippling and a challenge anyone can find near impossible to overcome.

To top this off you have been hurt by a guy that said cruel things to you and wrong things at that. Everyone and I mean everyone deserves happiness and dignity and he captured yours and destroyed both. Words are beyond me for why people do that. But it is in the past.

You might need to do some soul searching.  Recall your interests, your hobbies, sports etc. Find the roots of your personality and go from there to return to them to seek a relationship with someone you are suited to.

I too suffered at the mouth of my first wife. I ended up looking into the mirror and spoke to myself "you are a good man, you are worthy of a partner, you can make your life worthwhile, you are a good dad" etc.Now I'm remarried and so so happy.

Finally deep depression takes time to come out of. I have recently read that deep depression is not effected by positivity, motivation etc. It, firstly takes time to allow the cycle to come around. You will know when that time have evolved- then take it, and build on it at that time.

Life isnt easy. Recovering from relationships and learning from the mistakes during those relationships takes guts to move on.  Dont feel bad in future relationships is you are more reserved, less trusting etc, that is natural and good.

There is a man out there for you. Look for him in the right places.

I'm glad you kicked your bad habits.  Now that takes guts. Well done. Mr right will think the same so dont fall for drugs or booze again for that reason.

Cyber hug.  WK

[AGrace]

Hi everhopeful,

Welcome and thanks for trusting us with your story. 

Relationships are a challenge in themselves however when we partner this with low self esteem it's sadly not got the best of chances. I'm really sorry that you've experienced this grief and pain on multiple occasions. It's bad enough when it happens once. The fact that you've picked yourself back up again and reached out for support shows you are really resilient and maybe stronger than you think. 

Is there a reason why the Psychologist is taking so long? Do you live in a remote area? Is your Dr willing to at least prescribe a low dose of antidepressants in the interim?  This might get you through the waiting period. 

You mentioned that you feel lonely,  do you have friends and family that you could hang out with for the time being? Sometimes it's nice to use this time to really take stock of ourselves and what we need and want from life, a partner, our friends, family, ourselves.  If your self esteem has taken a beating, although understandable, this is something worth repairing. In terms of techniques, increasing your confidence for me has come in 2 parts. Firstly looking at my values,  what's important to me?  Then asking am I living a life in accordance with these values? Secondly creating a balance in my life between pleasurable activities, activities that provide a sense of mastery and achievement, activities that allow for contribution, activities that give time for reflection. If you want some templates for values or activities visit the CCI website.

The other strategy I recommend to everyone is regular practice of mindfulness. You can google this and there's plenty of apps and youtube videos to download. Mindfulness is about being present in the now without judgement. It helps stop us from ruminating about the past and worrying about the future. It does take practice though to be effective.

When you're ready there will be heaps of opportunities to meet someone special. Don't give up hope of this. I broke up with my emotionally abusive ex 16 years ago. We were together 10. I endured the worst. I convinced myself that I would never find someone to love me. I met my current partner online almost 5 years ago, I've never been happier. 

There's hope everhopeful. 

AGrace

[White_Rose]

Dear Everhopeful

Welcome to BB. It's a good place to tell your story and receive support and help. So many people here have difficulties and can relate to your situation. Expect other replies.

It is so sad when we lose someone we care about, no matter what the cause. And of course we all want someone to love us. That's the problem. It seems that the more we search for something, the less likely it is that we will find it. It is unfair and cruel I know. Living alone is hard. Having someone to come home to, chat to and talk about the day's happening is comforting.

So what happens when this is no longer available? We tell ourselves that we are unlovable and then we start telling the world world we are unlovable by our actions and conversations. And it is all untrue. We are lovable, every one of us has love to give and that alone makes us worthwhile.

I once commented to a friend that my problems were not worth talking about because other people had worse troubles. She said that may be so, but my problems were real and the things I was struggling with. It did not matter what other people had to contend with. It's true! Whatever you are experiencing is your problem, and other folk have their problems. It is not a contest and no one is more or less worthy of care by virtue of the situations they have to cope with.

So do not put yourself down in this way. Instead concentrate on how you can manage your life to the best of your ability to make yourself happy. The outlook may seem bleak at the moment but you can be happy again. At the risk of sounding sexist, men are not the only thing that make life good (although they do help).

Your partner of three years left you with some cruel words. And I do feel for you in that situation. And then you lose the next person who is not yet ready to commit to a long term relationship. Please note for yourself that you have made two huge steps forward; stopped taking codeine and stopped drinking. Those are enormous steps and I hope you can manage to keep away from them. Be proud of yourself.

There is not much character allowance left and I need to go back to bed. It's 4:00 am and I am finally getting sleepy. I will write again soon. In the meantime, think about the sort of activities and interests you used to enjoy and how to re-engage with them.

Regards

LING

[jaspergirl]

Hi Everhopeful,

I just want to start out by welcoming you and thankyou for sharing your story. I have been in a similar situation in the past. There was a time in my life (the teenage/early 20's years of my life) where i too felt like the world would be better off without me in it. I hated looking in the mirror because i did not like what i saw. I often felt so alone at times and any attention from the oppsosite sex, (good or bad) seemed to attract more problems. There was a time when all that went around in my head was that i was meant to be alone. That i wasnt good enough for anyone and i often doubted that any man would want to be in a relationship with me. How wrong i was.

I know breaking up with your partner can be a traumatic time. Not having them to share the good times soon makes the bad times seem unbearable. Not having that intimacy can fill your heart and mind with sadness and confusion as to the real reasons surrounding the breakup. Life can be cruel and unpredictable. We need to learn to realise our own self worth and understand that we all deserve to be treated with love and respect by any potential partner.

Life can and will become more positive for you over time. This may not happen today or tomorrow, but as you begin the road to recovery, your determination can amaze you. I soon realised that i did deserve to be happy. I did deserve to be in this world and most of all i did deserve to be treated with love, dignity and respect. I think if you try and stop looking for love and concentrate on yourself for a while, you will notice that love will eventually find you. 

i am very sorry about the break up, and i am sending you a tonne of positivity. With time i hope you realise that you are very important, to your family and your friends. i am so glad to meet you and i hope your future is filled with lots of fun, love, laughter, hope n happiness.

take care n remember, keep that smile on your face, i bet its beautiful. 🙂