It's peaceful in the house

[SubduedBlues]

My teen aged children and I were sitting about the dinner table this evening having congenial conversation.  

When my eldest daughter remarked how peaceful it has been over the past couple of weeks since mum has left. At first they saw it as unusually quiet,  but have since changed their perception to peaceful in that their mother is not creating unnecessary argument over miniscule things such as a dirty glass left on the table, or a bedroom light left on for a few minutes attending a phone call in the other room. 

Is this normal? 

[geoff]

dear D'jected, I believe so, as it sounds as though this final result has pleased everyone, see how it pans out over the week and would be interested to know. Geoff.

[groovegoddess]

I hate the word Normal. But I suppose I have to ask why was their mum behaving in this way? I too would make the same complaints as a result of my OCD and Anxiety Disorders. When people visit or stay in my house they know me and are understanding of my conditions and respect me. So from my perspective, such arguments are not "unnecessary" they are just a sign that I may be stressed and my conditions have been exacerbated by said stress.

[SubduedBlues]

Hi Geoff

Pleased everyone... hmm... in reflection of your comment there, I suppose I have started to sleep through the night undisturbed and that I am no longer as stressed coming home as I was once in the past. But, I wouldn't have said that I am please with the situation of marital breakdown -- I would have rather we worked it out and achieved a peaceful resolution together.  I do so dislike quitting, particularly on something that I promised to be forever.

I'll acknowledge that the kids like the new found peace in the house, but we are still in that transitional state. I don't think anyone in the house is pleased with situation. But then, legally we are still married, and neither of us has initiated any legal paperwork toward dissolution (well, not that I am aware of). I am not ready to take that step; I still hold onto hope (as false as it may be) for the children's sake, as much as my own.

[SubduedBlues]

I've long suspected OCD and PTSD, but she has never been one to seek help. Raised in a family that tends to avoid doctors wherever possible. Thus, she prescribes to Ostrich medicine: ignore the problems and they will go away.

[geoff]

dear D'jected, 'ignore the problems and they will go away', yes but they leave an awful scar, and can be at the back of our mind only to be reverberated at a later date.

This can happen with me because there are so many problems that I couldn't solve, so I wrapped them up and sent them to the bermuda triangle, but their memories can still haunt me if I allow them to.

I like Groovegoddess's comment that her friends allow her to do any OCD habits/rituals, because with this illness it can be very intimidating for people to watch what we do, so I would like to bring her in with this and ask her how long she has had it for, and any inconveniences that restricts her from doing.

Now back to D'jected, with your wife her OCD must have been very intense, and that's another reason why it's so quite.

I always like to talk about OCD but people must be frightened by talking about it, but as I have it for 54 years it doesn't scare me, it only intrigues me. Geoff.

[Jo3]

Hi everyone

I wish I had a peaceful house ...... unfortunately it's not and it's driving me crazy. It's chaotic, noisy and never a quiet time.  I shouldn't complain becuse they are my family and I love them

jo

[JessF]

Removing conflict from the house when you have been used to it for some time, it can seem a bit strange at first.  I live on my own now, after being in a relationship for some years where he and I would fight a lot. I didn't understand how toxic and unhealthy it was until leaving, not that it was ever over-the-top or abusive, just that towards the end it was better that we weren't together.  We were comfortably uncomfortable, and now I much prefer the silence.

[SubduedBlues]

Hi Jo

I so feel what you are saying. My house had been a toxic household for so many many years that I had become quite accustomed to it. Last year, when I traveled overseas to visit my family for my mom's 75th, my sister's peaceful house was so unsettling. I found myself yearning to get back home to my dysfunctional, chaotic and toxic family of screams and shouts. It may not have been a nice place to live, but it was a familiar place and it was home.

Now my home, here, has also become a peaceful home - just like it was at my sister's house. Tonight, my children and I gathered in the kitchen to cook dinner, together, as a family, and we were peaceful, talkative and happy about it. My children remarked that we hadn't done this since last Thanksgiving and they liked it; and that we should do it more often. Also that we couldn't do anything like this with mum, because she has to control everything that happens in "her" kitchen. In a way, cooking with my kids reminded me of the holidays with my family as a child; preparing the pheasant and caribou for Christmas dinner.

Don't get me wrong: I do miss her presence in the house, but my kids were all so happy tonight (and I missed that more). 

Now my concern is how do I move forward with this new information to consider. This new happiness and peace that my children have found, and enjoy, and want to continue. Before it was my hope to return to the sodalitary of the family unit, to return to a co-habitated household. But now I am concerned that doing just that, could/would return the household to the toxic household of days gone by, the toxic household where the kids were unhappy and peace did not exist.

My children's happiness, safety and welfare mean more to me than anything, but I miss her. I am lost. I know not what to do.

[Jo3]

Hey D'J

I have a household full of 3 adult children (22, 21, 18) and a son's partner stays every few nights and a mother in law (83) - yep you read that right.

As well my husband is a bit **** with how the house should be, how it should look and have no mess around eg. shoes or books or pantry is messy or fridge is not right.

OMG i get sick sometimes of listening to him rant and rave. How I park the car in the garage, I always miss the spot; even to not getting the right petrol.

I can understand how hard it would be for you not to have another adult with you but if your kids are really happy then I think you can see the results of not having your wife there. Sometimes I think that my life would be better on my own but I don't know; it gets too much sometimes and we've been married 28 yrs. Sometimes I wish i was alone; all on my own - that's peace.

Take care D'J

Hope to chat again with you

Jo