husband is depressed, lost nephew to suicide

[joanyl]

My husband is a good man and this is in no way a running down session, he has been depressed for a while we were having financial problems that he blamed me for as it was a credit card that i spent on. this went on food car bills etc, but he was a annoyed i did not tell him, I have always dealt with the money and he has never taken  any notice.

Then last year my blood nephew died by suicide, he is my husbands nephew by marriage. this has devastated the whole family and I eventually went off sick from work as I could no longer cope, my husband has finally hit rock bottom and no longer feels able to support me, I thought we could support each other but he seems not to have the capacity to do this.

I can understand this but still have really bad days and struggle with the support rug being pulled away and I feel like I am now floundering. He is so angry and blames me for everything, said I have ruined his life, when he is calm said he didn’t mean this, then another time said if he had somewhere to go he doesn’t know that he wouldn’t.

I am also upset that he said this to me while I am grieving for my nephew. I understand that he needs my help but I am not strong enough to do this everything feels such a mess, it is coming up to the anniversary of my nephews death which I am finding hard, a suicide is a very different death from illness I cant explain it but it turns everything you think about life upside down and you no longer feel safe.

I know that this sounds like it is all about me but its not I just have no one else now to talk to now. I have always been the stronger one and it feels like yet again I am having to hold everything together, I am so sick of being the strong one. I read on a post about her husband treating her like the enemy and its true, nothing I can say is right, he also seems to want to be separate from me and seems to go out of his way to avoid me. He is finally going to the doctors and I hope this helps.

[AGrace]

Hi joanyl,

Welcome. It sounds like you're battling a variety of concerns.

My condolences on the loss, and upcoming anniversary of your nephew. Losing someone so young is always difficult. Add to the equation loss through suicide and it can have really detrimental effects on us emotionally. My first boyfriend committed suicide, he was only 20 years old. It left a very big hole in my heart, a lot of guilt in not being able to prevent it, and a lot of sadness that he must have felt so alone and unable to cope with his problems. I can say the grief does get easier, however this is still fairly recent, so give it time. Have you had any grief counselling? It might also be worthwhile for yourself and your family to look into support groups for survivors of suicide. These can be helpful by allowing you to be around others who have experienced a similar pain.

With regards to your husband it's good that he's going to the Dr, I hope you will let us know the outcome of this. It sounds like he could do with some extra support. Often we feel like we should be enough to support our loved ones but ultimately managing symptoms of mental health is more effective if the person takes a cumulative approach. (medication, talking therapy, and lifestyle changes) It must be difficult for you to see and bare the brunt of his changes in mood. Knowing what I have put my partner through I'm almost 100% certain that his intent is not to hurt you.

I wonder too if you are also seeking treatment? It sounds like you are feeling quite overwhelmed at the moment and some additional support would be worthwhile.

I hope this has been helpful, let us know your thoughts.

AGrace

[white knight]

Dear Joanyl, welcome.

You would know that this is a difficult topic to comment on. It seems your marriage has gone downhill.  You say that whatever you say is wrong- well dont say anything. This might sound critical- it isnt meant to be. Remain quiet, let him speak and answer only when he asks you a specific question. This will give him the timeout he needs at this time. Dont ignore him completely, just lessen your reaction.

Sometimes we get ourselves in a rut and it appears that a separation is on the cards. Often however, its more that you both need support but neither of you can support the other. I'd suggest both of you are suffering.

I lost my brother the same way in 1979. I still grapple with it. Also I get annoyed by his action. But I also know now that he, like me and other members of my family were not well. We struggle with depression and our problems. I'd suggest that your nephews death has been a trigger for your husband. Or he hasnt been able to cope with the grieving from relatives and maybe yourself. Grieving isnt something to be ashamed of but it can take its toll on people around you.

I suggest a few things as well.  A weekend away, no mobile phones, no computer, cafes, dinner out. Tell him how much you love him etc. Perhaps a doctors visit and subsequent guidance.

As to him saying things to you that hurt "while you are grieving for your nephew"...somethings have now perfect time to be said. Otherwise he will be walking on eggshells and that's not good.  Finally, a change of environment works wonders. When disgruntled go for a short drive, window shop with him, coffee at a cafe etc, get out of the house.

Hope this helps.

[geoff]

dear Joanyl, my sincere condolences for your loss, and now it's the anniversary of his death will make this time for you to be very difficult, which on top of what else is happening with your husband only exacerbates the situation.

Both of your support base have now gone, and this is critical that you both try and re-establish someone who can help you, (like this site) but also a professional as well as a descent friend or relative.

From your post that there is so much happening, non of which either of you can deal with, it's just seems to be getting deeper and deeper, and at the moment you can't help your husband or even try to because you are sliding down yourself, and it doesn't matter one iota if you are the strong one because everybody has a breaking point, and now this is what is happening.

Your husband is going to see his doctor which is really good, but I hope that he will understand what they say to him, and then follow through with their advice, however if he is in denial, then it's going to make it harder for you.

I say denial only because he tends to think that your credit situation is caused by you, and if before he hasn't worried about you handling the financials then he can't blame you now, it's his depression that is doing this.

You absolutely need to see your doctor as well, I am certainly not blaming you one bit, but what is happening now is too much for you to handle, so please I implore you to do this.

You haven't mentioned any family who can assist you or your husband, so maybe they are not near you.

Please I really hope that you can get back to us. L Geoff. x