lost..alone..need advice/a point in the right direction

[EllieB85]

Not sure if anyone will read this, but really don't know where else to turn for advice.

I am a 28yr old mother to 1, and am about to embark on a very much unwanted separation from my fiance. After going through post natal depression and making it out on the other side, my fiance and I have come to the realisation that after all of my drama/anxiety/depression, we are no longer in love. Hence my next battle, I can feel myself slipping back down into that darkness, but with all of the other things I need to arrange, I dont have time to focus on that. 

Im sure others have been through a separation, but I dont know where to start. We have built a home which wont sell high enough to cover our loan, I wish I could stay in the house, but that is also unviable. My son starts school next year and I want him zoned for a certain school, but not knowing what my next step is, I cant enrol him anywhere. 

I work full time and require the support of my fiance, but he seems to have vacated the whole 'family' and doesnt care about anything. 

I am sure I need legal, financial, mental help.. but where do I start? Can anyone tell me that they did make it out on the other side of a similar situation? At the moment I feel like I am drowning and there is no light at the end of this extremely long tunnel. 

Thankyou in advance for any help  

[geoff]

dear Ellie, thanks for joining this site.

PND can certainly test any relationship, but it's no different than any other type of depression, which can put unnecessary pressure on the both of you, and that's what so cruel about having this illness where the strain on both people can be too much to bear.

My wife had PND for a few years so I know the pressure on both her as well as myself during this period, where she didn't want any medication nor counselling, which upset me because she needed someone else to talk to, but she was a stubborn lady, and I know that's unfair because she can't have her say.

Now we have a dilemma at the moment and that's because all the new plans, the packing, organising the sale, trying to find a school for your son, plus there is so much else that you have to contend with, and boy, how sorry I feel for you and your son.

I presume that the house is in both names, so the left over debt he has to pay for, and is legally obligated to pay, but just a word of advice and that's not to lower the price because the real estate people say so, because all they want is to turn over their houses as quickly as possible.

When we had to sell our house because of divorce the real estate come back to me with a price that was 30% lower than the asking price, and he wanted me to give him the OK to sell, but I told him to get lost and got another agent to sell it.

I would think that maybe you want to get a house close to your work, and hopefully a school as well, but this depends on the market.

The other concern is that you will need references from reliable people, which the real estate will need to look at, so people to contact could be your bank manager, pharmacist, or someone you may know who has a job of authority.

At first you do need legal advice for your finance to pay his dues, child support, but a solicitor will know what to do, and if need be go through the courts with him to pay the costs, but that I am not sure of.

Can I suggest that you get some sort of counselling now, because you have a hard time in front of you, so you need to be able to fall back onto your psych because there will be plenty of tears and heartbreak along the way, and this is far too much for you have to cope with by yourself.

I also wonder whether you have any family or friends who can help you through this, I just wish that we could through our arms around you, and give you a much needed cuddle.

Ellie can you please keep posting back to us, because you have to remember on this site there are plenty of wonderful people who still have depression but all they want to do is help people like yourself through this terrible journey, and more so we reply to many people but some we never hear of again, so we don't know whether they are OK are not.

Please reply back Ellie because there are probably a million questions you want to ask. L Geoff. x

[EllieB85]

Thanks Geoff, its nice to have some friendly advice (even through a stranger online) it has improved my mood greatly.

So last night I was in a pretty dark place, but woke up this morning with a little more enthusiasm and the idea that maybe I can get through this. Hopefully this mood stays.

Yes - the depression was a hard time, and I don't blame my partner at all for wanting out, I have done a lot of things that would send anyone away - nevertheless - it is still very hard to accept the finality of the situation. 7 years is a lot to throw away.

I called legal aid this morning and got an idea of what I need to do next, so that's a step in the right direction, just telling my partner about these steps, without him flipping out or getting on the defensive is the next step. I just want what is right for everyone, but he may see it as an attack.

I also called a few estate agents, told them the amount I wanted and wouldn't drop below - they seemed confident that we would get what we owe - I guess a clean slate is better than losing!

I think I will book a session with my GP to see what sort of counselling I am entitled to, as through my whole PND - I never spoke to anyone, was just handed a prescription for antidepressants - this time I think talking will be a lot easier than turning myself into a zombie, there is too much too process now. Plus I didn't suffer anxiety attacks back then, this time they are a constant.

I do have family and friends around, but I have learnt that although they are offering what they think is the best advice, it may have worked for their situations, but often hindered mine - so I am quite stand off-ish in regards to letting them in this time.

How is your current situation? I feel like I am taking up your time, yet know nothing about you. Perhaps I should take a breath and let you tell me a story. 🙂

I will most definitely keep posting - even if I am putting others to sleep with my rambling, but it feels good to put down what is inside my head.

Ellie.