Losing My Husband of 50years

[Plummy]

I lost my darling husband to a Rapid Degenerative Alzheimers in October 2020. He went from an active smart busy man to dying within 18 months. He was diagnosed as having some form of dementia or Parkinson’s, after numerous tests and visits to doctors and specialists, (who could not find any reason or clinical issue to cause his symptoms), in May 2019 and after him deteriorating day by day, was admitted to a nursing home on Christmas Eve 2019 as I could not longer care for him or get him out of bed. The last 4 months of his life were devastating with him no longer knowing his family, only being able take liquids and slowly fading away. We as a family made the decision to not have a feeding tube implemented thinking he would pass within a few days. Unfortunately he didn’t pass for three weeks which was the most traumatic time of my life. I moved into the nursing home for the last 6 weeks of his life and slept beside him in a recliner chair holding his hand. For the last two days of his life I lay beside him in his bed cuddling him and holding his hand until he took his last breath. He was gasping for breath for the two days before he died. I feel I was traumatised by his death… just feel so alone since he passed away. 😢

[Sophie_M]

Hi Plummy,

We're so sorry to hear of your loss and of the trauma you've experienced during the time of being with your husband right up until the very end.  There are no words we could give that might provide you with the comfort and healing you need right now, but we will sit with you and hold your hand (virtually) instead.

We're glad you've come here to this online space to share your pain and to connect with others who have also experienced something similar, and hopefully you will also gain some comfort from those who will express their sympathy to you as well.

When it comes to trauma and grief there is no timeline, but hopefully having some extra support/s and a place to express your pain and sorrow will help to provide an outlet for some of the pain you are experiencing.

Please don't hestiate to contact us (at any time) via our phone line on 1300 22 4636, or perhaps you might prefer our online chat option (link here).

Griefline are also a wonderful support system. You can them on 1300 845 745 from 8am to 8pm: Mon-Fri (AEST). They too have an online forum and support groups as well. Have a look at their website here for more information if you are interested.

A visit to your GP might also be helpful, especially if you're able to share with them how you've been feeling and coping (if you haven't already). 

Please don't hesitate to share any poems, thoughts and/or feelings you're experiencing if it helps you at all... this is your thread, and we welcome your expression here.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[M1993]

Hi Plummy,

Am so sorry to hear of your loss, dementia and Parkinson's afflictions are very hard, I have a personal connection with these conditions. Though the experience of course holds trauma for you, it is so beautiful that you were able to spend the last days with him, that means more than anything. I hope you can find comfort in remembering the joyful times, and reach out to those around you - especially on these forums as many of us have experienced or are going through similar things. I hope you will have some wonderful people and experiences come into your life over the nest weeks ahead and bring back some joy.

Stay positive, sending you good thoughts 😊

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

I believe strongly that if we have no purpose in life, we are not doing ourselves any justice. With that belief, no matter what life throws at us, we can cope better. Eg my beautiful dad passed in 1992 and I struggled then decided- to live my life as best I could in his shadow that included helping other people. 

So, your wonderful husband of half a century has closed a thick book of love and unification that won't ever be replaced. Is it time to open a different book, not as a replacement but as a distraction? Effectively,  if you could fill 50% of any spare time you have on other new activities, life will have a new purpose.  Of course, easier said than done.

Finally, I often say to people in grief, if that loved one was observing you now, would he/she be happier with you finding a new friendship, a hobby, some travel or assisting injured animals?

There is a light at the red of that dark tunnel Plummy, I think you know it's there. 

Google: beyondblue topic the best praise you'll ever get 

TonyWK 

[geoff]

Hello Plummy, there is no justice in life on why this should ever happen, why not only the person but also the one who has dedicated their life to each other should have to suffer from this dementia.

This is certainly a very sad story, one which on one would ever wish for, and my deepest sympathy that you had to struggle with this happening and all the marvellous achievements you both conquered should be mentioned in a book as our end of life is never pleasant at all, and not an indication on what we were capable of.

My very best.

Geoff.

Life Member.