losing dad

[cobber44]

i am 49 and have just lost my father to lung cancer on the 10/01/14. he was the only man who ever loved me unconditionally and i was his blue eyed princess. at his funeral on the 16/01/14 i verbally attached every other loved one around me in an extremely bitter way and even though i had a lot to drink and was grieving i cant remember a thing and a friend and my mother told me the next morning that it was very cruel. now i have accepted the horror that i caused to my son, daughter and best friend from high school and like an alcoholic admitting they drink too much i finally admitted that i have a problem in that i try to sabotage every relationship in my life to avoid pain and loss. i have been doing this from as long as i can remember hence 2 failed marriages and now its like i am pushing everyone else away so i dont have to ever go through this pain again.

[Neil_1]

Hi Cobber

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your Dad.  I can fully relate to this loss and you are just in the very early stages of the loss ... you'll have many many emotions to encounter.

It did sound like an unpleasant aftermath and unfortunate for what happened. 

How are things at the moment with your son and daughter?  And your best friend from school ... are things ok or are they really damaged?

By you coming to this site it does indicate to me that you are wanting to create change and wanting to start to move forward in a bit more of a positive fashion??

Would you feel the next step to change might be to go and see your GP to discuss some of these issues?  But I think you can only do this, if you really want this to change.

I'll send this off now, but to also say that your other post "heartbreak", I think it was called, was one very well worded and powerful message. 

And please write back again if you feel ok to do so.

Kind regards

Neil

[cobber44]

i havent heard from my kids yet but they have spoken to my mother. my son begged me to get help and my daughter cant speak to me yet. i have needed help for a long time but have used excuses all the time like ill work it out or too busy Dads passing just tipped me over the edge. i am still none the wiser to what i did say or do because no one will tell me but there was another friend who was also present at the time and after she told me how dissappointed she was in me she then said she forgave me and understood the intoxicated state and the grief. i dont normally drink alcohol much and now know why. I am moving in a couple of weeks by myself to do some soul searching and spiritual healing, once i arrive i will be seeking councelling this site is amazing help until i get resettled. i know i have a huge rollercoaster ride to endure for a while.

[Neil_1]

Hi Cobber

In your first post here you didn't give a lot of detail, but I read a reply that you posted on another thread, which said that you were the sole care giver to your Dad over the past 4 or so months.  That would have been an enormous thing to deal with ... even though he's your Dad and he loved you so much and vice versa, when they're being eaten away on the inside, it would have been really tough.

I'm guessing that your children must be reasonably grown up now, as you are going to head off by yourself?

Have you told your son yet, of your intentions?  He must be happy for you that you're taking this step?  And as you say, once you get settled there, you can seek out appropriate professional help ... and this will go a long way to setting you on a more positive path and future.

Cobber, I hope you can stay in touch with us via this site ... you've got so much still to deal with on a personal basis, with the grief process.

My thoughts are with you ...

Kind regards

Neil

[cobber44]

yes my daughter is 27 and my son is 31 with his own family now. i havent told them of my move yet not even via text. i am terrified of my son and his wife. his wife is dominating and controlling and always has a contradicting answer to anything or anyone . i will message my daughter eventually but i need to get my head right to deal with the different advice and cures that everyone seems to confuse me with. i am still with my mother at present and i know that she will keep the lines of communication open. mum has already been so supportive to me even though she is greiving to and she has encouraged me to move on and that she will be ok and i know she will. at moment we live in country QLD and the kids are in NSW. Mum will sell her house and move to NSW. we love each other dearly and will never lose touch but we cant be around each other for too long and the kids want to look after her. she knows im only a few hours away and i think that i will be logging on to this site for a long time to come because its like my facebook and people understand

[Neil_1]

Hi Cobber

Thank you for posting again.  You said some things in your post that really ring true for me as well.  Although you said you're terrified of your son and his wife;  I have a brother who since my Dad passed away some six years ago, we haven't spoken and you know, I feel so much better for it.  I don't know he turned out that way, but he turned into a nasty piece of work and his wife is like poison.  I'm sorry to hear though that you find your son and his wife to be that way.  It's a weird old world we live in, isn't it.  Especially for say a mum ... you do everything you think you can and do the right things by your children and then something happens and they're nasty to you.  I hope you're ok.

Your relationship with your mum sounds a little like mine also.  I love her to bits, but we can only do things in small stints.  But yeah, my love for her is incredibly strong and she's battling bone cancer at the moment and has been for around 4-5 years.

It's funny, cause I've never done FaceBook and don't think I ever will, but I find this site to be kind of therapeutic ... I get into it, and reply to other people and try my best to advise or assist with my experience that I've had with this horrible disease and I kind of lose myself.  I know it's actually not helping me because I'm really just pushing my problems back a little, but oh well.  What can you do?

I do hope you continue to stay here and I hope you can venture to some of the other threads in the forum ... as I think you'd have some wonderful experience that you could share to other sufferers.

Kind regards

Neil

[smith]

sorry to hear about your dad.i have fear of losing dad i am a only child

but i worry about me having to speak at hes funeral i dont have anyone else to speak for me is it comon for the celebrant to speak on my behalf and say nothing