It doesn't feel real.

[mobius]

Hey guys. My father just passed away, and I feel empty. I feel like this is some bad dream that I will wake up from. I am 42 but after a long period of addiction, I got clean and re-connected with my family and friends, but I still feel like a child sometimes. This means the passing of Dad has had a profound effect on me. I doesn't seem real, and I don't know what to do to make sense of it. I have picked up more meetings and they are helping, but when is this going to hit? When is it going to make sense so I can process it?

[Sophie_M]

Hi mobius,

Thank you for sharing your story here. We're sorry to hear you've lost your father recently. We can hear it must be really hard feeling like this is a bad dream, and not feeling totally real. 

Hopefully, we'll hear from the community soon. It's great that you've been going to meetings and finding them helpful. It could also be worth reaching out to Griefline on 1300 845 745 (6am to midnight AEST every day), they might be able to suggest some other options, and also give you the space to talk it through one-to-one with a counsellor. Our Support Service is always here for you, as well, on 1300 22 4636 or online.

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. Our community is lovely, and we're sure there'll be some understanding and kind words once someone spots your post. 

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[white knight]

Hi, welcome, so glad you came here

I'm 66yo and lost my dear dad in 1992 at 64yo. Too young. He worked so hard for us but smoked since he was 11 and couldnt give it up. So how have I managed in the past 30 years?

• Wrote poetry about him
• planted plants like roses to honour him
• Tried hard as a dad to treat my kids as he treated me
• Spoke about him with pride

TO KISS HIS TEMPLE

There were some things I knew as taboo

to express my love but to question who?

to touch the pale face of my dad back then

when touching taboo...when "men were men"

For boys were male and "you cant do that"

jealous of my sister and that is that

that man couldnt hug his son for how he was seen

nowadays if you hugged your son- well, you'd be relieved.

And so my dad the salt of the land

wouldnt touch me even by hand

he knew he loved me and I him

with a wink of an eye from under his brim

Then that day we all regret came along

where watery eyes was met by song

and there he lie with an eerie smile

I be alone with him for just a while.

As I stroked his forehead cool to touch

I raised my head automatically as such

to kiss his temple of which I dare

I knew his mind was well aware.

Of all the kisses I missed

they gathered together in just one kiss

finally as his spirit rose and went

he left his love and hugs were spent

I never craved again heart be blessed

that tradition of males their love expressed

a kiss on his forehead way back then

ended an era when "men were men"....

TonyWK

what do you think?

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Mobius, I’m really sorry for the passing of your Dad. The loss of a parent can be quite a shock, even if it’s expected. Both my parents have died in the last few years. Dad went first and I remember the feeling of unreality that you describe. That does subside with time, so be gentle with yourself and know that it will gradually sink in. Each person has their own grieving path and I don’t think any two people do it the same way. So there isn’t a right or wrong.

 I found when my Mum died it was easier to comprehend having been through Dad’s death. In other ways it was harder because of the circumstances, but the sense of unreality was perhaps not as strong. With Dad the unreal feeling was quite strong even though his death was expected because of a degenerative illness. But that unreality reduced over several weeks, and was much less after several months.

But there’s no set timescale for everyone. It’s something you gradually integrate as time passes. The grief is still there, but as you integrate the experience the reality is easier to accept. I think this just gradually happens so you will be able to process things in time.

After my Mum’s death I did go to a grief support group for a bit which provided some help. Finding people you can talk through your feelings with can help integrate the experience. With my Mum there were some family members who were not open to talking, whereas I needed to humanly communicate with others. But there were some extended family I could talk with, share memories with etc, and that was invaluable to me.

Wishing you all the best!