Is this for ever?

[MsBlinkers]

Hello everyone 🙂

Hopefully I won't bore you, I'll make it brief...

My Dad passed suddenly a few years ago and I don't think I've been the same since.  I miss him terribly, and even though the raw feelings of grief have eased, I have this constant nagging fear that I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop - so to speak.  Who's next?  What's next?  Since my Dad passed I have been the primary carer for my Mum, whom I love dearly.  I am so worried about her, all the time.  Has she taken her medication?  Has she had a fall?  My husband is wonderful, he's my rock. We don't have kids (we are unable to) and I worry about him, all the time.  Is he ok?  Has he been in accident?  I love my pets so  much.  Unfortunately, they are elderly now too and I worry about them, all the time.  Will they be alive when I get home?  My job involves caring for the elderly with disabilities.  That in itself is stressful.  

The time before my Dad passed now seems like a distant, foggy memory.  Even though I've always had social anxiety, I'm pretty sure I used to be happy quite a bit and maybe even carefree at times.  Now, I dread getting out of bed.  I don't have any close friends, and I hardly ever hear from my 2 sisters.  Rarely a day passes when I'm not on the verge of tears.  I don't have any motivation.  I feel like I'm not living, just existing, waiting for the next inevitable tragedy.  

I hope someone reading this can understand, as I've almost given up hope that my life will ever be any different.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story 🙂 

[HA1]

Hi MsBlinkers

Just a quick initial reply to say that I have read your story - and I can relate.  I will get back to you soon with a more comprehensive reply.

Take care

K

[HA1]

Hi again MsBlinkers

Apologies for the brevity of my last response.  AND, please dont think that you would bore us with your post.  Everyone has a story to tell about their sadness.

I too worry about the well being of people close to me, my partner, my children, my parents, my siblings.  I always seem to be waiting for the worst to happen.

Similarly when I was working, despite a successful career, I could always only see the worst outcome of anything I did.  

I too suffer from terrible social anxiety plus other mental health issues.  But as my psychiatrist said to me, one of the hurdles I face is my tendency to catastrophise.

Can you tell me whether you have spoken to any health professionals about how you are feeling? If so what is the outcome of those discussions.  I worry about you when I hear that you cant get out of bed and lack motivation.  These are signs of depression, which I really hope that you dont have.  But you need to speak with a GP if you have not already done so.

Please get back to us so we can try and help more.

K

[MsBlinkers]

Hello Hideaway 🙂

Thanks so much for your reply.  I really appreciate it.

I did have grief counselling, unfortunately I didn't get much out of it.  I went to each session with an open mind and wanting to accept help but I just found the whole experience depressing and I would leave feeling worse than before.  I think I have tried my best to not show how fragile I am, as the last thing I want to do is upset my Mum.  She relies on me and I just want to make sure she's happy.  I'm also reluctant to open up to my husband as I have always had depression and anxiety issues and I just don't want him to think of me as a 'head case'.

I was taking anti depressants for a couple of years, and I think they did help, I piled on so much weight - which I could deal with - but the one side affect that really scared me was the craving for alcohol.  I could, and would, drink copious amounts on an almost daily basis.  And I'm not usually a drinker - at all.  It took a while to get off the medication, and now I don't drink anymore, but the sadness has returned.

I'm aware that I probably do have depression.  The constant anxiety is really wearing me down.  Even though I know most of it is in my head, it's still very real.

Thanks again x 

[Torn]

I am probably not much help to you other than that I know exactly how you feel. I lost my dad suddenly 9months ago. I was 'dealing' with it initially but now I just feel lost  I, like you, am constantly waiting for the next death or cotastrophie to happen  I fear my own death and worry how my children and husband will deal with it  I am really not living just existing and barely getting through each day  

Everything I read says that grief is an individual thing and different for everyone but I still feel that people expect me to move on and get over it far quicker than I am.  I have spoken to my go who thinks I am at the stage she would expect after losing dad but I don't think I told her honestly how I'm feeling.  I think I need to speak to a counsellor but haven't had the courage to do that yet.