I've already lost one this year, I can't lose another...

[dangerousflower]

(this is my first time doing this so apologies if it is long, I don't know where to begin).

In July/August, my grandpa, who I am very close to and love dearly, was diagnosed with cancer, terminal cancer. Up until July, he was one of the healthiest people I know (for context, at 82yrs last Christmas, he was running around playing backyard cricket with us) and to witness him become... so vulnerable and ill, breaks my heart into a million pieces. While I'm trying to be positive and cherish every moment we have, I can't help but experience 'anticipatory grief'. If (sadly, when) I lose him, I don't know how I'll be able to cope. He truly lights up a room and is the heart of that side of my family. In addition, I'm an empath, so not only am I holding my own stress and fears, but I'm ending up feeling the pain of my family.

On top of that, in May someone who I looked up to suddenly passed away by suicide. Though they were 'infamous' and thus I didn't know them personally, I really looked up to them and shared many similarities to them. Their death really hurt and impacted me for while after and while currently I'm more at peace with it, it still hurts to know I'll never see them again. The nature of their death and finding out about the pain they were going through, knowing that they should still be here, hurts.

I'm not sure exactly what my intention is in posting this, but I think I just needed to tell someone that I'm scared. Scared of losing my Pa, scared of grieving again, scared of how I'll cope knowing I'm still carrying some level of grief from five months ago. I've somewhat spoken to my family about how I feel, but I don't want to dump everything on them right now with everything going on; additionally, all my closest friends live out of town or even overseas which isn't easy and I don't know how to tell them what I'm going through without feeling like I'm bothering them. I guess... any advice or tips, on how to... cope, (or even just encouragement) would be welcomed.

[_Nik_]

Hey,

I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish you and your family and your grandpa all the best through these tough times. I'm not very good with words, but these events in your life help you become stronger, and I know how hard it is to go through these sort of things.

No matter what happens, he will always be in your heart and always be with you.

I am so sorry that you are feeling scared, but I promise in the end everything will be alright.

I believe speaking to your family is the best thing you can do, as they know first hand what you are going through, and most likely have the same fears as you, meaning you can better understand each other and work with each other to get through this together.

Trust me when I am saying this; if they are your close friends, they will never feel like you are burdening them. The fact that you trust them with this information would mean a lot to them, and they will be there for you if they care.

I wish you all the best, and I'll be thinking about you 🙂

- Nik

[dangerousflower]

Thank you, Nik, for your kind words and wishes; you have no idea how much I needed to hear that, today especially.

I've always been the 'listener', the person people turn to in these situations for help but being on the other side is harder than I imagined. But you're right, I'll try to work up the courage to do so.

Thankyou once again.