Woke up to find husband dead

[Ruby2 1]

My husband had been ill

with end stage empysema. He recently had a hospital admission for pnemonia. On discharge was told he had between 4mths and 4 years.

I woke up early last Tuesday.He was not in bed.I got up,saw him sitting on lounge.Called his name.No response. Could see no chest rising. Went over,he was so cold and still.Eyes open.No pulse.Rang 000.Told to commence CPR.I did until ambos arrived.But I knew he was dead.

Funeral has been held.Adult kids seem to be holding up well.Eldest daughter getting married next month as planned.

My question is how do I get rid of the final vision of me finding him and trying to resus him.It is all I see when I try to close my eyes

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

So sorry to hear of your sad experience.

In my own experience I concluded that time is thevonlyvremedy to intrusive thoughts. But then distraction- e.g. keeping really busy does help. When you close your eyes to sleep, if you are exhausted, you might not think at all.

This means, hobbies, sports even backtracking, social gathering or volunteer work like I'm doing here.

Finally, self praise. Sounds silly but it works- please Google

Beyondblue topic the best praise you'll ever get

Repost anytime...ps well done with your first aid, he would have been proud.

TonyWK

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ruby,

We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. This loss is so recent, and it must be heartbreaking. Grief has no set pattern and everyone experiences grief differently. We can imagine that this vision must be really distressing when you close your eyes. It’s important that you take care of yourself and reach out to others.

We hope that you can talk to your adult children, or other loved ones for some support during this tough time. If you'd prefer to reach out to a counsellor, we'd recommend getting in touch with Griefline - 1300 845 745. GriefLine provides counselling support services free of charge to individuals who are experiencing loss and grief.

If you feel you would benefit from more ongoing support, we’d also encourage you to get in in touch with us via our Support Service on 1300 22 4636 or www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport and we can provide you with some advice on how to do this, and talk through some options to help you through your loss. You are also welcome to call tonight, or anytime that you are feeling overwhelmed by this vision and you need some support. It can be very grounding to talk this through with someone.

You might also be interested in our page on “Grief and Loss” - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/grief-and-loss

We're really grateful that you decided to reach out here tonight Ruby. Hopefully a few of our community members will come by to welcome you to our friendly online community. 

[blondguy]

Hello Ruby

my heartfelt condolences for the loss of your husband

just from my own experience it can take a long time for us to 'unsee' what we have Ruby....

genuine 'acceptance' of our vision...not 'resistance' can provide us with some peace of mind yet even this takes time and practice

I feel your pain Ruby

my kind thoughts

Paul

[pl515p1]

Hello Ruby, I too have had the recent trauma of finding a loved one, my dad, deceased, and I too have had to deal with the daily trauma of how I found him, if I did CPR enough, or could I have done more.

It still haunts me 3 weeks later.
I am okay when I am doing things but when it is quiet, or I sleep, I see him there so quiet and still.

I do not have an answer as to how to prevent these thoughts and images from recurring in your mind, as I am still trying to comes to terms with them myself. I can only offer you my condolences, prayers, and compassion.

I have found that talking to a photo, or even recording myself on his phone and telling him about all of my regrets has helped me get through nights where it seemed too much. Some prefer to write down all of the things they wish to express as well.

I am going through something that at times feels almost insurmountable to face, and I think you are too, hopefully we can face these unbelievably difficult times together, and with the help of all of the wonderful people here as well as any other sources you may need to aid and guide you through this painful time.

I hope that you find something that allows you to grieve and perhaps offers you some comfort that can ease some of the heavy burden that you may feel upon your shoulders.

There are people willing to listen in this world, and they are also there to help, you are not alone, and you are in my thoughts. Stay Strong.

Regards.

[Ruby2 1]

I am so sad for you at this hard time. One thing you said which touched me was about talking to a photo

The first and last thing I have been doing everyday is saying good morning and goodnight to his photo we had at his funeral.It was one where he was at his happiest.

[Ruby2 1]

He was an icu nurse so I was well versed in resus.I have been voicing affirmations and that helps.Nice to be able to "talk" to people not connected.Bit of pressure from those that were in his life.

[pl515p1]

Hello Ruby2 1 I am sorry for not replying earlier, I thank you for your kind words, even during this difficult time you find yourself in, that you still have care, and feel for others indicates much about your beautiful character and warm heart.

I am still talking to dad's photo each day and night, and like you I say good morning and goodnight, in fact, I even put the photo away at the time dad used to go to bed, I think it is helping me to keep some sort of structure or order during a time when I feel so out of control of things.

It reminds me of something someone told me this week, she said that no one truly knows what is on the other side, so if no one knows, then no one can be wrong in what they believe.

I will continue to do whatever I feel is right for me, and I hope you will as well, I hope you continue to find comfort in talking to him, as I do with dad. They are both still there for us, they both still care for us.