I need help to deal with and process these things that are haunting me.

[Harry1989]

I'll start from the start. I really need to get this out before it completely consumes me.

My problems like most start with parents splitting up. Mine didn't have an amicable separation to say the least. My memories of that time were mum not at home, dad supposedly in jail and not going to school.

They both had problems with drinking and it led them to be violent to each other. I remember countless birthdays of mine ruined by arguments and fights. It got to the point where my father had attempted to kill my mother. I didn't know about this until years later because I was protected from what was going on because I was the youngest of 2 children. My older sister dealt with what was going on then - not to say it's any better that she had to witness it but she at least had the opportunity to come to terms with what had happened because of which. There were multiple years that this continued and I feel like I didn't have the support to really grow up. I feel like I havent had any positive role models.

Following the separation of my parents my mother got with somebody else, my father decided to stop working and abandon the life he had in Sydney to move back to the country with his elderly parents. Even typing that out makes it sound ridiculous.

He used multiple excuses to pretty much justify him not working, living with them and excessively drinking and having no contact or relationship with me or my sister.  I had a very close relationship with my father for quite a while. I had moved down to the country with him at the time. Needless to say that his parents (my grandparents) didn't exactly get along with me that well. We always argued and I ended up leaving and coming back to Sydney. My mother was then (unknowing to me) pregnant with my half sister. I was excluded from the news and was pretty much the last person to find out due to my attachment with my father. I was just expected to be all fine with it - when at the point it was too far gone to hide it anymore. (baby bump)

My mum had been with that guy for quite a long time. 13 years I believe. Now they've split up and it's deja vu. Mum is out all the time and is clearly out with someone else.

I was lucky enough to have a supportive partner. She had pretty much come to live with me - because of my desire to spend time with her and the circumstances she was in she didn't have a place to stay for a little while. We discussed a future. We had made jokes about the things we would say to our kids. Our relationship was great and blissful. So much time together doing what we wanted to do.

Things had been crappier than usual as of late. I've been really unmotivated and feeling down about everything. To the point that I don't really feel motivation to leave the house. Which is stupid of me to bring in to a relationship.. But I addressed that issue with her last week and I was trying my hardest to make a change.

Then on saturday night when we got in to bed I asked her whats wrong with the intimacy in our relationship and it escalated in to being that she doesnt want to be with me anymore. I felt completely blind sided by this. I feel like I have been living a dream since then because none of it seems real. She told me she still loves me and I still love her but I can't continue to feel like this.

I'm alone and I'm very afraid of it. I know people are supposed to be okay with being alone but I don't want to be. I don't want to dwell in my thoughts. 

[geoff]

dear Harry, how do you feel about ringing the 'web chat' on the above number 1300224636 between 4pm and 10pm. Geoff.

[Mares73]

Dear Harry I'm sorry to hear you didn't make it to the Drs but you can make another appointment. When your feeling really low I know it's hard to get the motivation to do anything. But it's a vicious cycle because the more you avoid going, the more you will fear it and it will become really hard to go or believe there is help for what you are experiencing. And all I can do is reassure you that the best place to start is with a GP. And as Geoff says its not what your parents believe its about you. And there are far too mant misconceptions about antidepressants. I think you would feel such a sense of relief once you'd seen the Dr and if your open to antidepressants-they can help immensely with your recovery. All I can do is urge you to take that next step as it will set you on the path to feeling better & working through things. Mares x

[bianca_aka_b]

Hi Harry. I know how hard it is to reach out for help. I started suffering from depression at the age of 13, after I was diagnosed with a rare pain condition, which doctors hardly knew anything about, I went from playing on playgrounds to using a walking stick/being in a wheel chair. I felt so alone, no one knew what I was going through. Any how by the time I was 15 I attempted to end my life, my parents had me booked into a mental health ward in a children's hospital. I use to say to them don't bother, I'm going to end this. Being under the age of 18 I had no choice in going to hospital, and I was detained there for a month. in the beginning I hated that my parents did this, I just wanted the pain to go away. But being forced into getting help is the reason why I am here today. Now you are an adult, and cant be forced to get help, but you aren't ok, and you need help. I was never keen on taking antidepressants, as a young teen the mention of antidepressants made me feel like I was crazy, but I don't regret it for a second. I am now 21, and have talked about my past and it was so hard letting everything come out, I didn't want to face those dark emotions. But it helped. I slowly started feeling slightly more at ease when talking about things. Please see a GP and get referred to a psychologist, its hard and can bring back these raw emotions, but they are already consuming you so talking about them with someone who can help you overcome them will, in time help. And please don't be put off of the option on antidepressants, they do work, but you cant use them to mask the deeper issues, they are just a support net while working on getting better. I know how hard this is, but here I am offering advice, after battling my own demons and even attempting to end my own life. I still struggle with depression, and it still scares me when I have flare ups, but I was knocking on deaths door, but I survived and became stronger. You are not alone and you can get through this. I really hope you make an appointment to see a GP and start your recovery journey. X