I need help to deal with and process these things that are haunting me.

[Harry1989]

I'll start from the start. I really need to get this out before it completely consumes me.

My problems like most start with parents splitting up. Mine didn't have an amicable separation to say the least. My memories of that time were mum not at home, dad supposedly in jail and not going to school.

They both had problems with drinking and it led them to be violent to each other. I remember countless birthdays of mine ruined by arguments and fights. It got to the point where my father had attempted to kill my mother. I didn't know about this until years later because I was protected from what was going on because I was the youngest of 2 children. My older sister dealt with what was going on then - not to say it's any better that she had to witness it but she at least had the opportunity to come to terms with what had happened because of which. There were multiple years that this continued and I feel like I didn't have the support to really grow up. I feel like I havent had any positive role models.

Following the separation of my parents my mother got with somebody else, my father decided to stop working and abandon the life he had in Sydney to move back to the country with his elderly parents. Even typing that out makes it sound ridiculous.

He used multiple excuses to pretty much justify him not working, living with them and excessively drinking and having no contact or relationship with me or my sister.  I had a very close relationship with my father for quite a while. I had moved down to the country with him at the time. Needless to say that his parents (my grandparents) didn't exactly get along with me that well. We always argued and I ended up leaving and coming back to Sydney. My mother was then (unknowing to me) pregnant with my half sister. I was excluded from the news and was pretty much the last person to find out due to my attachment with my father. I was just expected to be all fine with it - when at the point it was too far gone to hide it anymore. (baby bump)

My mum had been with that guy for quite a long time. 13 years I believe. Now they've split up and it's deja vu. Mum is out all the time and is clearly out with someone else.

I was lucky enough to have a supportive partner. She had pretty much come to live with me - because of my desire to spend time with her and the circumstances she was in she didn't have a place to stay for a little while. We discussed a future. We had made jokes about the things we would say to our kids. Our relationship was great and blissful. So much time together doing what we wanted to do.

Things had been crappier than usual as of late. I've been really unmotivated and feeling down about everything. To the point that I don't really feel motivation to leave the house. Which is stupid of me to bring in to a relationship.. But I addressed that issue with her last week and I was trying my hardest to make a change.

Then on saturday night when we got in to bed I asked her whats wrong with the intimacy in our relationship and it escalated in to being that she doesnt want to be with me anymore. I felt completely blind sided by this. I feel like I have been living a dream since then because none of it seems real. She told me she still loves me and I still love her but I can't continue to feel like this.

I'm alone and I'm very afraid of it. I know people are supposed to be okay with being alone but I don't want to be. I don't want to dwell in my thoughts. 

[geoff]

dear Harry, already the support is here for you, and I realise that it can be unsure when people make a comment that they do get a reply, but there is always someone who is around to be able to listen to you, and then reply back to you.

Everybody on this site is very important and we value what you have to or need to say, because all of us have been through the black hole many times, and even some people who reply to you are still suffering themselves from this awful illness, but they want to help as many people as they can, who don't know where to turn to.

Your childhood hasn't been the best, and then to be rejected by your girlfriend is another knock on the head for you, so there is so much that needs to be sorted out, and remember it's always hard to start to open up to a psych, but with a psychologist they understand this and let it happen naturally, they want to make you feel comfortable, and they need to do because there is so much that is troubling you at the moment.

People here never judge or criticise anybody, because we know that we were once in the same situation as you are now, so all we can do is advice, support and give suggestions to you or anybody else, because you have to feel at ease and know that depression can not be cured by yourself, sometimes we think it can, but the real underlying problems we will never address ourselves, because they are too scary, and that's why you need help, so please stay with us. Geoff.

[Harry1989]

I don't really have anyone that I can really talk to about this. I don't feel like family are the right people to approach about this. I pretty much just have my sister and my mother around me, both of whom would probably just tell me I need to get over it.I apologize for not checking in on this but yesterday was the day that my ex came to collect her things from my place. 

I've not been able to focus on anything, I can't sleep and I can't eat. I've just been sitting here in front of my computer trying my utmost to distract myself to the tight uncomfortable feeling of emptiness I feel if I happen to let my mind wander from what I'm doing. It's kind of what I've been doing most of my life with these issues but now it's knocking at the front door and I cant for one second be content with myself. I have the doctors booked for Monday at 9am which was the soonest I could get in. I feel like I'm trying to just get through to there but that's just the doctors and it won't be changing anything at the time. I want this to go away. I'm exhausted from feeling like this

[Mares73]

Dear Harry when we are feeling as you do right now-it is normal to not have any sense of hope, motivation or belief that things can improve. We may feel numb or overwhelmed or alternate between both but having a sense that we are stuck & totally immobilised is one of the hardest things about depression. You feel so alone & when you have grown up in a completely dysfunctional family which we both have, it amazes me that my mum too would say "just get over it". No interest in learning about my illness despite the major impacts my family life had in contributing to my depression. That was so very courageous of you to make the DRs appointment. Are you seeing someone you know or a DR from the Beyond Blue list? Any DR can start you on antidepressants as they take a few weeks to work & the most common are SSRIs. It took me a while to find the right medication & now I'm on an SNRI. Please tell the Dr how bad you feel? That way they may start treatment immediately. And on the Beyond Blue list did you look at Psychologists near you? Because if you have someone's name the GP can do a plan where you get 10 visits with a Psychologist under Medicare. Harry I know Monday seems like an eternity away but it's not. And at my lowest I had to try focus on making it through half hour blocks. Reading is great if you can concentrate or writing all the things you feel you need to resolve. Have you got any little things you could do to help pass the time? Let me know how your feeling? Mares x

[Harry1989]

I decided to go and see the doctor that my sister has been seeing for some time. I've not really had a gp that I've regularly seen. I decided to go there because my sister has spoken to her about some of the things that have happened in the past.

I've been meaning to look for a psychologist.. I'll do that over the weekend I guess.

Antidepressants have a negative association in my mind. A couple of years ago I was seeing a doctor regarding migraines and I was prescribed medication for that which apparently works in low dosage as a treatment. After starting the course of tablets I was told by family that I shouldn't be taking antidepressants, they mess with your head and they were apparently messing with my behavior at the time.. I kind of feel like I should avoid taking them? Am I wrong in feeling this way?

I'm trying my very best to stay distracted.. And to tell you the truth, I feel exhausted and hollow

[Harry1989]

I guess I'll come back to this on Monday after I've been to the doctor. I'd like to talk about that.

[geoff]

dear Harry, it's not what your family believe in, it's what you believe you should do.

The antidepressant you probably used could have been a tricyclic antidepressant for your migraine, however the SSRI and SNRI antidepressants don't help you with this, so I would ask your doctor about them, and what your family don't know won't hurt them. Geoff.

[Harry1989]

Thank you for clearing that up Geoff. 

It has been amazing to just have something to go back to when I'm feeling down - Even if it's rereading the comments here or other peoples stories. Thank you all so much

[Harry1989]

I didn't go.. Chickened out

[geoff]

dear Harry, did you make another appointment. Geoff.

[Harry1989]

No, I didn't