I'm not ready

[Stuck14]

I watched my grandpa die on September 27 2012 at approximately 11:45am, yet I haven't started grieving. I have completely shut it off. This also means that in turn, I haven't grieved for the loss of my baby on the 7th of April 2014 at approximately 3:30am. My little angel who would have been 1 this year. I haven't grieved for my beautiful little dog Cadbury who was my fur baby that I had to put down or my other fur baby lily who is in a new an loving home. I haven't grieved for my grandmother who passed on the 2nd of December 2014 at 2:30am an I haven't grieved for the loss of my physical health that has ment I'm physically unable to work, an most days even function on any level.

The thing is, it's all starting to bubble to the surface an I can't seem to be able to push it down. I haven't cried since the 26th September 2012.

 I'm not ready to accept any of this as my reality. I'm not ready to let go

[AGrace]

Hi Stuck14,

Sorry to hear of the tragedies you have been dealt over the last few years. Loss and separation are sadly never easy.

It took me 20 years to be ready to grieve the death of my first love. People grieve in different ways. The thing about grief is that there is no way around it, you can try suppressing it as much as you can, but it will always resurface. The only thing you can do with grief is to go through it. There are many steps in the process and denial is one of them, it could be that you're still stuck in this phase as all the events have been too painful to deal with. The steps never go in a linear order either, and you can go back and forth from one to the other numerous times. 

Grieving doesn't mean having to let go as such. You will always hold these people and pets dear to you. Grieving is just a psychological process of being able to accept that life will go on depsite these losses.

Have you sought the assistance of a grief counsellor before? It could be worthwhile pursuing even if you don't think you are ready to grieve just yet.

Sadly, it will be a painful exercise, but you will also find immense relief after going through the process. Have you got the support of family and friends around you?

Is the reason that you are not working because of all of these events? Once you have grieved you will possibly find that you can reconnect with people, work and life in general.

Will you let us know how you're travelling, I would love to hear more from you. There are also plenty of people here who have survived similar experiences. So we are all here for you.

AGrace

[Stuck14]

Thanks AGrace.

I normally post on the depression site an most know me as "Shay". I haven't sort out a grief counsellor but am still in regular therapy. I'm not ready for the pain as I am already hurting so much an quite vulnerable. I don't want it to be real, it just can't be, it can't!! I look at photos of my pa, an I can't recognise him in any of them. I go an spend time in the nursery an I just feel so empty and numb. It's going to be unbearable an I just can't do it.

[geoff]

dear Shay, I am so sorry for the loss's that have become for you.

People grief for any loss in all different ways, and by crying isn't the ultimate way to feel or perhaps show how this upsets you so much, we always believe that it actually is, because we are taught this when we were young, as our mum used to do this as a sign of grieving.

All of these sad events you might not think of in any chronological order, but perhaps the loss of your baby and then losing your little 'fur baby' Cadbury are two that stick in mind the most, which means that you maybe suffering from PND which I believe hasn't been mentioned before in any of your previous posts, I maybe wrong.

As these thoughts begin to 'bubble' they need to be talked about with your psych, and drawn out of you and spoken about, because you have to release the pressure that they are causing you to feel the sadness that you do. L Geoff. x

[Stuck14]

Thanks Geoff.

Before my pa passed, I was very expressive with my emotions an cried very easily. Since his death, an the subsequent losses I've completely detached an disconnected myself from each of them seeing them only as "a dream" or "movie" with no emotional connection what so ever. I know for me that when it eventually bubbles over an I do break down, that when this nightmare with hit that it's actually my reality. Logically I can say that I've had these losses, but it doesn't matter how much I say it, those words mean nothing, they are just words. 

Pnd hasn't been mentioned before, I guess because I don't have a living baby that it wasn't something that applied to me. 

I dont want to feel the pain of these losses. My pa was the only constant provider of unconditional love am support in my life, he was my best friend, he was ment to walk me down the isle when I get married an be here for my children. He's the only person I want to share those moments with. I can't an don't want to feel or accept any of this!! It's not real, it's all just a horrible nightmare an I'm gonna wake up soon an everything will be ok an non of it will be real! It can't be.

[Stuck14]

Losing my ability to keep composed an hold down the bubbling pain an hurt. I can't accept it, I won't

[AGrace]

Hi Stuck,

You don't necessarily have to accept your situation just yet. But have you tried just acknowledging the pain and hurt rather trying to hold them down. It's not nice to feel pain and hurt, but maybe feeling it won't be as bad as trying to stop yourself from feeling it. Which I imagine would be extremely exhausting.

You don't have to feel it for hours, maybe just a couple of minutes and then do some distraction techniques.

AG

[Stuck14]

I fear if I let myself feel some of the pain and hurt, that it will overwhelm me an I won't have any control over how long the teats an pain lasts. Unfortunately for me, this is one of those all or nothing situations, when I either suppress it all or feel it all. An I'm just not ready for that. I know I will completely break down when it happens an I just can't cope or handle that right now. It's the fear of the pain an hurt and losing control over my emotions that's holding me back as well.

[AGrace]

Perhaps this needs to be done in someone else's presence? Maybe your therapist, so that they are able to bring you back to a safe place. 

We tend to think all or nothing, but we can grieve in small bits when we have someone else's support. I guess the fear is that it will be unbearable, but you probably won't know until you try. It may also bring you an immense relief.

[Stuck14]

I think it does, but unfortunately I don't have anyone. My counsellor is a dbt one an we don't actually discuss issues, just coping strategies. So, I don't have anyone in my life that can help me with this. Guess I'll just keep pushing it down until I breakdown.