I lost babies and now jealous of may partner's relationship with his kids

[Troubledtimes]

My partner and I lost 3 babies together. I met him later in life and wanted the dream with him. Marriage and kids, the whole package. We managed to get pregnant 3 times in my 40s but lost each one very early on before 6 weeks. I have now entered the peri menopause stage and unable to get pregnant naturally anymore. He has 3 children from a previous relationship whom I have to witness him loving upon them and I cant help but get jealous and compare how much he would have been a wonderful dad to our child. I am so sad and full of grief from the losses which he understands but the jealousy and resent toward him parenting his other children is driving a wedge between us and our relationship is suffering. He can't talk about his children with love because it will trigger me into a meltdown of grief all over again. So he feels he has to hide his affection for them and walk on egg shells around me. I know it's all my fault but don't know how to change it because the jealousy comes from a place of extreme bitter pain and disappointment about our own family dreams not coming true which I just can't move on from. I don't know if there is any hope for our relationship or not. He has not spoken to me in 3 days and I don't know if he has decided he has had enough of this.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

From the outset your courage and humility (in admitting fault) is outstanding throughout your read. I feel for you as that burning desire for your own child is difficult. However, your natural reactions need addressing and you can get through this with a very different mindset. That is a big ask but you can get there.

Similar to turning negatives into positives as ones outlook on life so is the change needed for you to be more tolerant. I have a grown daughter. My now 2nd wife was her favourite aunty by marriage when she was born. My wife was married to my BIL and they could not have children. Nevertheless she became my daughters favourite aunty and eventually her step mum. Now 34yo when she was 18 she stopped all contact with her birth mum and at 22yo she became my wifes step daughter of which she calls "mum".  So my wife has a daughter now and we have two mini foxies that keep her busy.

Another twist- My MIL that passed away 2 years ago had a foster son from 3yo now 20yo. He has a mental illness and upon her passing we took on the role of him visiting us. I built a train/slot car set that he loves and teach him tinkering, my wife is active in his life in other ways.

The above means as adults we can be parental figures even though we are not blood. The 9yo boy up the road gets me to put his chain back on his bike, the little 3yo girl in the big store that lost her mum will be protected by us until she is reunited however long it takes. We, including you are societies staunch parental figures for all children. 

When my child was 7yo I left the family home due to abuse. I declared to be the best part time dad on earth. You can declare to be the best step mum those kids will ever have. The bonus is- your partner will benefit beyond imagination and his children will bust themselves to come visit.

Nothing substitutes not having your own child but life doesnt hand out equal treatment so we must adapt and give to all kids, our love.

TonyWK

[Troubledtimes]

Thanks so much for you reply Tony. I will definately think about what you said. I did forget to mention his children are not young, they two older girls. One is 17 and one is 22. They have absolutely no need or want for a step mum and are very independent and have a very hands on wonderful mother. In fact I don't even think they like me very much little own need me. His son is 10 and at an age where he needs male role models. So I am not sure where I would fit in....

[Summer Rose]

Hi Troubledtimes

I was very saddened to read about the babies you and your partner lost.  Hugs to you.  I can certainly understand and empathise with your deep and bitter pain.  But, like you, I can also see that your relationship will only continue to suffer given how you feel. 

My suggestion is to try and concentrate on what you have. I know it's really hard when you're suffering so much, but with support I think you can reframe the situation.

Please consider that you have a partner you love and the two of you are already a family. 

You now have the opportunity to befriend his daughters and work to develop a loving relationship with them and extend your family. Understand they have a biological mother, but the more people they have in this world who love and care for them the better off they will be.  As will you.

I have a now adult son.  Hand on heart, boys need mothering their entire childhood right through to becoming a young adult.  They often gravitate to their fathers at this age but it doesn't mean there is no place for a step-mother in the boy's life.  You can choose to build a relationship with him and fulfil that role.

Given your entirely understandable deep pain, it might pay to speak with a counsellor about your grief and your next steps.  Families come in all shapes and sizes and I really believe the family you seek and need may be available to you, even if you can't see it now.

Kind thoughts to you

[Troubledtimes]

Thank you Summer Rose. That makes perfect sense. Here's a twist, they actually live in Melbourne and we live on the Gold Coast. So for one, it's harder to even make a friendship or anything with them because the son is too young to travel and when the daughters visit they just want to see their dad for quality time. My partner and I don't live together so they see him at his place. I feel so on the outer. When I first met his eldest briefly I had an attack of the jealousy and came across quite aloof. She presumed I don't like her and so she has never wanted to reach out since. Things are complicated. I think its the physical affection I struggle with because I so badly wanted to see my partner dote on 'our' child. If you think counselling could help reframe things Ill look into that. 

[Summer Rose]

Hi Troubledtimes

I do think counselling to help shift your mindset and process your grief would be helpful.

Your partner has three kids and he loves them and that’s not going to change. The only thing that can change is how you react to that.

If you go see your GP to talk it through (book a double appointment) they can create a Mental Health Plan for you and refer you to an appropriate professional.

Are you and your partner speaking again?

Kind thoughts to you