Dear Lily
Welcome to Beyond Blue. I hope we can offer you some comfort and share our experiences. Thank you for sharing your story.
Losing a friend or family member who means so much to you is always hard. Grief keeps popping up at the most unexpected moments and in my experience, it feels like a searing pain. Those who tell you that it is a matter of time are right in many ways, although that does not help at the moment.
It seems to me that grief for the loss of someone is made up of two parts. One is the actual loss, the knowledge that you will never see that person again and the loss of that connection. The second part is the loss, as you say, of the person's place in your life. It does sound selfish but this is not really the case.
It really is a double whammy. Both the person you love and all that makes her that person plus the hole that has been left in you. So your thoughts and feelings are normal.
So how do you cope with a loss like this? Grieving and crying etc are not signs of weakness. They are an expression of the love you had, and still have, for your friend. When you remember your friend try not to push the image away. I don't know if you do this, but it's a fairly common reaction.
Instead, take time to remember her. Allow the memories to come and make an effort to think of the good times, the funny things that happened, the way you talked together. These are healing memories even if they hurt a bit. It is a reminder of the past and the people you were together. These things will never change and you can go back whenever you wish.
Not that I am suggesting you spend your whole time reliving the memories. It's good just to know they are there and available.
You will never find a replacement because your friend is irreplaceable, but you may find another friend or two. People who will be different but just as caring and lovable. When you are in situations where your friend's help and advice were available try to think of the sort of things she would say and do. Put yourself in her place and have a two-way conversation with yourself.
This allows some distance from your grief but gives you a coping mechanism for your situation. I sometimes listen to my sister's voice in my head. She died in 2004 and I miss her very much. I remember her strength and determination. I remember some of the things she would say to me, even though we lived on opposite sides of the world.
See how you go with these suggestions and get back to us on this site.
Warm regards
LING
