Grieving and fear

[mummyof3]

Hi Guys,

Apologies in advance I am all over the place. I lost my mum 6 months ago and my best friend almost 2 years ago both to cancer. I kept myself busy after both deaths and very much distracted myself. I thought I was doing ok until a month ago when I think it all hit me and I felt so alone without them. Not only do I have that longing and empty hole digging my chest I am terrified of losing what I have left. (My husband and kids) and its almost like I am waiting for someone else to die or for something to go wrong. I am holding my 11 month old right now as she sleeps and I am fearful that something would ever happen to her or either of my sons and the anxiety is just unbearable. Even the slightest fever or injury they have I am terrified its going to be life threatening and I am overwhelmed. I have an amazing husband (who works a fifo roster) so he is not often home but when he leaves every time I feel overwhelmed again with grief and fear  Its almost like I am having these anxiety attacks because I am afraid of losing people? Has anyone else who is riding the grief or loss rollercoaster ever had similar feelings? I am going to grief counseling. Where hopefully I can find a starting place to dig myself out of this hole.

[Neil_1]

Dear Mummyof3

Thank you for coming to Beyond Blue, welcome and also "well done" for providing your post.

Grief is a horrible emotion that so many of us have had to go through;  and it never gets easy - it just kind of blacks out the sky and makes everything so dark and terrible. 

It is very pleasing to hear that you are attending grief counselling - are you finding that these sessions are proving helpful to you?   Has your counsellor provided any suggestions to you regarding your feelings that are troubling you?

I've had a number of losses in my time, but I can't recall having had these kinds of feelings that you are having - but that's also the thing about grief and the aftermath of grief.  We are all individual and it affects us all in various ways and also lengths of time.

I'm so pleased that you've got a loving and amazing husband;  and then not to mention the 3 delights in your life, your beautiful children.  This is something that I cherish each day, that my partner and I are lucky enough to have two beautiful children (both in their early teens now) and I could be wrong in saying this, but I do believe that if you've experienced death (someone very close to you), it makes you fully realise how much your own family really do mean to you and how much you would do to love, adore and protect them.  That maybe where your emotion is coming from - the need to protect?

I'm not sure, but either way, I did want to write to you and hope that I've made some kind of sense in my own rambling kind of way.

Kind regards

Neil

[mummyof3]

Thanks Neil,

Grief is a terrible emotion and I can see now how important it is to deal with it rather then stay in the denial stage for the amount of time I did.

Your post did make sense and Your point is valid in my wanting to protect what I have is so precious to me.

My grief counseling is eye opening, I think the right term. I didn't realize speaking to a total stranger would open so much about myself? My session today  we have established that I have a fear of abandonment and  a sense of self blame which I know sounds weird but true.

 I nursed both my mother and friend (the two most influential people I have been blesses with in my life) and not only did I never really deal with them dying I believed in the back of my head that the more I did for them It would make the stay . I heard myself saying to my counselor regarding my friend "I would have sat there and syringe fed and held her hand forever if she would have stayed"....How selfish that sounds in their horrendous state of pain and frailty . But its how I feel and I would have done the same for my mum. WOW! Subconsciously I feel like I have failed them. I guess I don't want to fail what I have left the same way.-My kids

And I am working on some simple breathing exercises for anxiety (have opted for no meds as still feeding my baby at this stage) though I must say it is not overly effective:( .

Anyway, Thank you so much Neil,, I am not overly good at talking about my feelings  and I think I have babbled away again. I am so used to being calmed and controlled it is all new for me and I might add scary.

I really appreciate your feedback and your listening it means a lot.

Regards -mummyof3

[White_Rose]

Dear Mummy

I have not read this thread which is why I have not replied before. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your mother and friend. My mother died 15 years ago and it was so devastating. I relate to the hole in your chest and the achingly hard pain of loss. I thought I would never get over it and while the overwhelming grief has passed there are still times when I miss her so much it hurts allover again.

Two of my friends have also died, one to breast cancer and the other to pancreatic cancer.  Then my sister died from ovarian cancer.

The loss of such significant people in my life has been shattering. These people who meant so much are no longer here and I want to talk to them, laugh and cry with them, rejoice in our dreams coming true. But no more.

It's not really selfish to want to keep a greatly loved person with you. When they are in great pain it is hard to let them go, but we still grieve for the loss. I cried every night when I got home from work for months and months when mom died. I was not there as she lived in England. No last words, no "I love you", just gone.

I can't offer you any comfort other than saying I understand your pain and I grieve with you. It's like so many other things in life. The only way through is to go through. Getting some counselling is good.  I wish this had been available for me when my mom and sister died especially.

I can say you will start to feel better after a while. In the meantime, have you tried to remember the good times you had with these people? I know it is still hard but the joy of those occasions can hep when you bring them to mind.  Celebrating their lives as much as possible was a great source of strength and later contentment. They are gone but their memories live on and I am thankful for this. Talking about them with others is also a help because it brings them back for a while.

I hope this helps

Warm regards

LING

[mummyof3]

Thanks ling 

I appreciate your kind words and I am so deeply sorry for your loss. i can't imagine how hard it must have been for you living so far away. 

I am remembering the good times and trying to talk to my kids about it they are full of "remember when" and I do find talking to them about their nanny and godmother does help it's also just a reminder that they are not here. The counsellor said its part of having to grieve and so too is fearing further loss. i guess when I though I was coping so well I was really avoiding the situation.

thankyou again ling it does comfort me to hear your kind words. It also helps to know we come out the other side and you really hit the nail on the head with"to get through it you have to go through it". 

Sending you you again thanks and warm regards and blessings 

mummy of 3