Im losing control of my emotions!

josie5 · ‎10-06-2014

Hey all,

It wasnt too long ago i was on here talking about my partner and I. This time its much harder. We have been going through a real rough time in the past few months and he spent a month in jail for a traffic violation. Since then its been extremely downhill with his own trust issues. I thought him going to jail would be a good thing because it would have meant he was a month of alcohol and pot. After he came out it was good for about a week. We have had several screaming arguments over him not trusting me and another where we both called the police on each other and an AVO was brought into place but only to prevent family violence. On friday, im not sure what happened but he was EXTREMELY angry at me and im still clueless onto why he was because i had been at work all day. When i saw him it was at our regular friday activity and he was not in a good mood so i left him. i spoke to him and he said gday mate how you going mate so i just walked away so i didnt snap at him. he was openly flirting with other women in front of me (that hurt) and then when i was out he was trying to find his own lift home. He got home about 45 mins after me. came in kicking the bedroom door and was calling me awful names for no reason, i hadnt got angry yet just confused. anyway he ended up attacking me, so i ran away. Since then he has been in the police lock up and i have been more in a I HATE YOU mood until today. He went to court and i rang the courts and he has been left in the cells for another week until his next court hearing and that has brought on the sadness. It hurts to know he is there with no one to help him with clean clothes etc. I know everyone will say your better off and i know that but im starting to lose control of my emotions. I know he tried to kill me and all that but i havent stopped loving him, that will take time to extinguish and a long time i suspect. I thought i was going to marry this man. We had already planned our wedding and baby names etc. HELP!

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CrashCoyote · ‎10-06-2014

Hi Josie5,

I am probably old enough to be your dad but I have five kids, including an adult daughter. My take on this will be from that background, not that of a young lady. I was also a policeman for thirty years and I've met hundreds of guys like your boyfriend.

I won't bother going into the complexities of different relationships or on co-dependence, I would just like to say one thing to you.

You wrote, "I know everyone will say your better off......." If you already think that, the real question (to my mind) is what do you think your relationship will look like as it progresses? What do you hope to get out of it? More emotional and physical pain? You have described what it looks like now. Is that how you see a loving relationship? If you were your best friend, what would you tell her to do?

Good luck with it. I'll keep an eye out for your posts.

Kind regards, John.

josie5 · ‎11-06-2014

Hi John,

Thanks for your reply. Its not that i know everyone will say that im better off, its everyone is saying it. i haven't held onto this for so long for no reason. we had an amazing relationship at the start, it was FANTASTIC and thats what i fell in love with. We have a 15 year age gap. (me 26 and him 41) and we just clicked. We have so much in common but as the relationship progressed he trusted me less and less and i had to give up family and friends to be with him and i did it because i love him. I still love him. My best friend told me i cant go back to him because next time he might actually kill me because it seems he has lost control of his mental disorder (bipolar) the incident on friday was not him and there was no trigger and i cant forgive him for that but the question that has been rolling around my mind is what if in 6 months or a years time he has seen that he needs help and does a 180 flip and actually changes and takes control of all his problems and becomes the man i fell in love with and he can prove it????? Im going through the sad guilty stage and its extremely hard to get through. Im lost and he even had the nerve to ask if it was over!!! of course it is! Would i be completely stupid to see if he will change eventually and essentially just wait.....?

CrashCoyote · ‎11-06-2014

Hi Josie5,

I understand what you are saying. I have mentioned to another poster some time ago my experience.

I met and fell in love with a woman seven years ago. To me, she was the one. I didn't simply love her, I adored her. She suffered from anxiety and that made the relationship difficult but I persevered. I tried everything I could and even recall her telling me once, "you have put one hundred and ten per cent into this relationship". I know she loved me but she couldn't really give herself to me (or anyone) because of her condition.

It ended late last year and I still miss her. I have never loved anyone like I have loved her. I would never have put up with the amount of bad stuff that I did in any of the relationships I had been in prior. (and frankly, I never had to.) I can not imagine having such strong feelings for another woman ever again, although I hope I can.

I still ask myself if she will ever be able to be the woman that I fell in love with and, like you, should I wait? I know that is not the path. I need to get on with my life or I am just emotionally trapped in a relationship that I am not even in. I cannot go on dates and have her memory at the table with another lady opposite me.

I wonder what would happen if I started another relationship and she did contact me and say she wanted to try again. In fact, that is the fantasy. But it is not the reality. The reality is the frequency and intensity of the physical and emotional abuse increased. My affection was being used as a weapon against me and she seemed to delight in seeing me in emotional turmoil.I deserve more in life than what I put up for the four years before we broke up. There will be someone else for me and she will respond appropriately to my love and affection and it will be worthwhile.

I cannot speak for you, Jo5, but I would be completely stupid to see if she will change eventually and essentially just wait.....? 🙂

Kind regards, John.

josie5 · ‎13-06-2014

Over the last couple of days i have been feeling the joy of being able to actually talk to my friends and just be myself around people. Like i can be my bubbly talkative self again to anyone not just women. Talking to other people (men) doesnt mean im flirting with them and to be honest i had a man flirt with me last night and i didn't actually want him to. Its flattering but im not ready for it but on the same token i have a friend that has been talking to me in the last 4-5 days and im really enjoying his conversations and his niceness. I have discovered that there are actual nice people out there and im going to relish it. Yes i feel guilty for putting my foot down and saying im going to live this for me and no one else. I have been feeling that through all the turmoil my ex and i had and for so long i think maybe that passionate love i had for him actually wasnt that passionate because im finding myself thinking about going on dates and looking at a man and saying "he is a bit of alright". But that fire you feel when you deeply connect with someone on all levels i wonder will i feel that again????

Or maybe i have reached a point where i have realised that he was controlling me for the bulk of the relationship and he has changed me in so many negative ways.....? I dont know but all i know is im gonna get out there and live my life and live it for me!

CrashCoyote · ‎13-06-2014

Yay for Josie5! Embrace it all and be selfish - do it for you.

Kind regards, John.

CrashCoyote · ‎15-06-2014

Hi Josie5,

Just checking that you are tracking okay.

Kind regards, John.

josie5 · ‎18-06-2014

Had a few low periods in the last few days. He rang me from jail and it was the first time i had spoken to him since he got taken away. He claims he cannot remember the whole night and the police had to tell him what he did because he did not know why he was in the lock up. I had to stand my ground and say its over for good and he begged me and cried on the phone to me which was hurting me so much on the inside and inside deep down i want to see if he will change. He thinks he has already but i dont want to believe it, no one change in a matter of two weeks. I do still love him like i have always but like everyone is saying what if he loses his mind again and actually ends my life. Things like what if he changes in 6 months and proves he can be sober from drugs and alcohol and can be the man i fell in love with......? I dont know what i am meant to do..... the people i have told have given me mixed answers. One said was the way he was that night out of character for him which it was. I have never seen him like that before. then others have said why do you want him back...he did nothing but isolate you and treat you badly........Yes our relationship was up and down but we had good times, great times....I wouldnt have held on for so long if i didnt love him an exuberant amount.

CrashCoyote · ‎18-06-2014

Hi Josie,

Can I urge you to talk to an online counsellor? If not on here, then a site specialising in violence against women.

As a policeman I saw hundreds of domestic violence incidents and the things you are saying in your last post are typical of ladies that are very confused about what they want from a relationship and what they are prepared to tolerate to put have it.

I heard so many women tell me, "If he ever hit's me again, I'm leaving." Of course, most don't. I am sure experienced counsellors can help put this roller coaster into context for you, but I guess at the end of the day it is up to you.

I've never hit a woman in my life, not even ones that were resisting arrest or hitting me. In relationships, It would do my head in (more than it is already, LOL) if I thought the girl I loved was okay with me abusing her. It isn't right.

Maybe some of the ladies on here will chime in. But talk to someone, please.

Kind regards, John.

white knight · ‎18-06-2014

Hi Josie,

I've read the whole thread. I've sat back because Crashcoyote's posts have hit the mark every time.

Certainly a case for much counselling. Hope you take that course. Sadly I'm pessimistic. Some love affairs are also toxic and dont mix in other ways especially when it involves drink and/or drugs. And at 41 he wont change much IMO.

Regardless, you need help. Hope you chase it. cyber hug to you