Does anyone else hold on to significant dates for years?

Saska · ‎29-08-2014

Hi All

Was wondering if anyone else holds on to significant dates for years and relives the hurt? For example this week three years ago I broke up with my ex so I have had a bad week knowing it was the anniversary of our break up and reliving the pain.

Is this a common symptom of depression? How do I put a stop to this and move on?

white knight · ‎29-08-2014

Well Saska, I recall all the time that I joined the RAAF on the 4th April 1973 and was discharged on 19th May 1976. That Boxing Day 1974 was a day to remember as I was held on base to help with the cyclone Tracy relief effort in Darwin. Those times were over 40 years ago.

Yet I cant remember birthdays for the life of me.

I think remembering important days is rather normal actually.

Cheers.

AGrace · ‎31-08-2014

Hi Saska,

In brief, I would say this is common.

I know I have some very important dates that are forever cemented in my mind.

Remembering these dates doesn't have to be a negative experience. If it has been for you for some time, then there's still the possibility of turning it into a positive experience.

You have given the example of the date you broke up with your ex. Perhaps you could turn this day into a day to hang out with friends every year and celebrate being independent? Are you in a new relationship now? If so, perhaps you could create a new memory for this date? Perhaps it becomes a first for something else? Maybe it's the one day every year that you do something kind for yourself? Or perhaps it's the one day of the year that you choose to volunteer and give back to others?

Reliving the hurt is just a form of secondary suffering. To avoid ruminating over the past on this, or other days, practicing some mindfulness could be helpful.

Look forward to your reply.

AGrace

Doolhof · ‎31-08-2014

Hi Saska,

There are some dates I hold on to in a somewhat negative and depressive way. Thanks to AGrace's reply to you, I am going to try to change those memories around so they don't hurt so much and turn them into a celebration instead.

Some people forget dates altogether, I know there are a lot of events where I have forgotten the date altogether. Like my first marriage, I couldn't tell you the date any more and I'm not sure if I even recall the year!

Think about the options AGrace has suggested, if you are a writer, maybe you could choose an idea and write down how you could carry that out next year. Maybe write out how you are feeling now, sometimes getting thoughts and feelings out of your head helps a lot.

Try and do something really nice for yourself, buy yourself some flowers, have a bubble bath, massage your own feet or ask someone to do it for you, wear your favourite outfit to the shops, or ask some friends to join you out for dinner somewhere. Celebrate a new beginning and the releasing and letting go of past hurts.

Thinking of you, from Dools

Saska · ‎02-09-2014

Thank you Doolhof, AGrace and white knight

Some wonderful suggestions here which I will put in to action. Spending time with others on the actual day will stop me from being along with my thoughts as much. I am a writer so writing on the topic is a great idea too.

I have not entered in to another relationship no as I can't let go of the previous one. Silly I know. Also afraid of getting hurt again.

Thank you once again for your suggestions

Doolhof · ‎03-09-2014

Hi Saska,

I have just read your reply. I do hope some of our suggestions have been helpful for you. I too have gained a better insight into how I can cope with significant days in my life in a different and more cheerful manner. So we can all learn from each other.

I can also understand your desire to not be hurt again by another relationship. I can't tell you that won't happen again, as we humans are certainly not perfect in any way, and do seem to hurt each other, sometimes with out even realising it.

You may go through your whole life still thinking about this relationship you had, but I would like to say, there is room in your heart for another special person as well. I think all of us in some way still hold on closely to a relationship, a friendship, a someone special we had in our lives who is no longer with us for one reason or another.

For me, I know I hold on to a dream, I cling to a relationship that never really was a relationship, but I had so wanted it to be. I still think of that person and have a place in my heart for him, and some days the memory really hurts. But I need to return to who I have now in my life, and be thankful for all the blessings I do have, and not chase after ghosts.

Keep the cherished memories, keep them as healthy mentally as you can and one day you may be open to another special friendship.

Thinking of you, from Dools

Saska · ‎04-09-2014

Hi Doolhof

Yes some fabulous ideas on how to move towards feeling happier over certain dates and anniversaries.

I agree certainly room for more than one true love in your heart . I have to be determined not to compare new beaus with my past soul mate.

In the mean time am trying hard to meet lots of new people and will definitely turn sad anniversaries in to more happy occasions.

Thanks Dools How are you doing? xx.

Doolhof · ‎06-09-2014

Hi Saska,

Just found your post, sorry it has taken me a while to get back to you! Hope you are meeting some really nice people.

Yes, there is plenty of room in our hearts to love lots of people, we just have to remember that each person is their own individual, and they can not replace the person whom we feel we have lost or left behind for one reason or another.

People don't always live up to our expectations either, it is easy occasionally to expect too much and then be hurt by a person's actions. It is best to try and be the person you want to be and accept others for who they are.

We had a lovely evening last night, catching up with one of my nieces for her birthday along with the family. My Dad is actually staying here overnight, he is busy watching the footy with my husband, so I have snuck away to use the computer.

I've had a great day as I managed to bake Dad some biscuits for Father's day, he can take them home and freeze them. I managed to pull up loads of weeds as well before he arrived, so I feel like I have achieved something.

Monday I will be having lunch with a girl friend, so I am looking forward to that.

I'm enjoying the new friendships and the sharing community here on BB. I'm finding a lot to be encouraged about with so many people reaching out to help and assist others, it is wonderful. I'm learning a lot as well from what people are sharing.

All the best to you Saska, I hope you can start to think of your past soul mate fondly without the hurt and the pain.

Cheers for now, From Dools