Change of Season blues.

[ABC01]

Dear All,

I don’t know if the season changing is the catalyst,but I see my passed loved one every where. The memories are flooding in and I am just so sad. I have started writing down the memories that are making me sad that day. One to get them out and two maybe to be able to cherish them later,at some point.

I just miss them incredibly. I yearn for them. They have only been gone five and a half months.
Is this grieving? One of the cycles?

 I have been so zonked out trying to get my medication right,the depression set in. Now I may finally be stable in medication,is this months of grieving surfacing?
 I feel slightly out of control. Not that I am. But I feel like my feelings are ping ponging all over the place and am on the edge of crying almost always.

Thank you for your time and replies,

ABC01

[Merricat]

Hi ABC01

I've never really experienced the sort of grief you're going through, although I wish I had someone I loved that much.  However, a lovely little Persian cat came into my life 35 years ago and she gave me such joy to my lonely, loveless life, I never thought I'd get over it but time does eventually lessen the pain.  I wish we were better at death and grieving but the western world has become so disconnected.

Nearly everyone who posts on this forum writes about loneliness and isolation.  However, reading your post you can have people in your life who shut down or just don't have the time or patience to deal with someone who is in alot of emotional pain.  So many family members and friends just turn away, not sure whether it's because they don't know what to say to you so they say nothing, or that you are allotted a certain amount of their time then you need to "get over it".  I don't know what people expect of those who are still suffering as you can't put a time limit on it.

Just keep posting your feelings even if you don't get many replies.  It's like writing a journal but generously allowing people to read your thoughts which can help others.

Take care.

Merricat 🐱 

[ABC01]

Dear Merricat,

Your Persian is a significant loss in your life. Often pets become family members, just like any others ie; your sister or brother. They become your own family unit. And their loss can be sometimes more difficult then a human loss, due to the closeness and daily interactive strength of your relationship with them. And the unconditional love. And the purpose they give you. So perhaps you understand my pain more then you think. I have loved and lost many furry family members and some I have grieved healthy and managed to move on and the last two, I haven't. I don't have children or plan too at this stage of my life. And they became my children and I threw all my love into them. So when they left this world, I have loved so hard,that I grieved equally as hard. And not quite as healthy as I would have liked. And still do.

As a reply to your post, I actually had a loved one tell me just yesterday, that I wasn't grieving to their timeline, and it was time for me to stop now. But I know grief has no timeline and I can grieve as much as I like. They want my suffering to stop and me to be happy again. But I am not who I was before this passing. So I don't know what that person looks like now,the me who has to find happiness again. So I am searching online to try to find knowledge on subjects that are affecting me.

Thank you,

ABC01

[Merricat]

Hi ABC01 

I think that's why I can't get another cat as it is too painful.  Also my cats, on average, lived for 18 years and I'm worried I might die or develop some sort of dementia.

It's inevitable that we change, and hopefully grow, when our lives are turned upside down.  It's the unpredictable nature of life that throws us off course.  You give me the impression of someone who doesn't push your feelings aside but wants to understand them even if these new unpleasant feelings remain part of your life.  Eagle Ray seems to be on a similar journey.  

Do you ever listen to ABC's 'Conversations'?  If you go to their website and type grief into their search bar you'll be able to listen in to how others have dealt with their grief and trauma.  They also have stories from different cultures.

Take care

Merricat 🐱 

[ABC01]

Dear Merricat,

Thank you, that is a great idea. About the "Conversations".

I definitely am someone who doesn't accept that things are only one way and that is it. If that is your lot in life, then I ponder the meaning of life and ect. And that is a rabbit hole you want to avoid. So I always want to understand my feelings to be able to navigate myself towards the better and away from the worse. The mind is much bigger then I ever anticipated. I have alot of mental health education,(since I was twelve) but I never stop learning as I live each day. So I do want understand even if it is hard or uncomfortable. I know if I run, even just once, I will continue to do so and that creates bigger problems. I just feel so lonely in doing so.

But you have been a big support for me over the last few weeks. So, How are you Merricat?

ABC01

[Merricat]

Hi ABC01

Yes, the problems just manifest in other ways. It's better to own your feelings than pretend there's "nothing to see here folks".

I been having small bouts of depression lately but nothing like it used to be.  I think age is helping me to relax more and take a few more risks. I'm trying not to be so afraid of people which has stunted my life terribly. I just can't shake that feeling that I am too boring.  I sometimes think all the fictional books I have read over the years (and movies) about extraordinary people (who always seem to be really good looking) have left me feeling less than ordinary. I often think you could write a book, or movie, about three characters from the BB forum, one with CPTSD, one with Bi-polar disorder, and the other with depression and anxiety, who only know one another on a MI forum but with none of those happy endings, just real life endings.

I'm listening to an Agatha Christie's "4:50 from Paddington" audiobook CD at the moment so I have something to keep me company. Thank goodness for the library.

Take care.

Merricat 😺

[ABC01]

Dear Merricat,

 I am glad that you are travelling better than you have been. Your experience in life has been helpful to me and I am grateful for you.

 I think all media has stunted many peoples life. Movies, tv, books and celebrities have always been so glamorous and make life out to be so easy. Only as we live it, do we realise it is a lie. And a big fat one too. Happy endings are what people want to see,because that is what we want in our own lives. However the stories only stop there, at the happy endings. What happens after the happy endings? Probably real life. Celebrities pay for their lives to look like that. None of it is real.

You are not boring. How many super heroes do you know? Or Carrie’s from Sex and the City? They don’t exist. Real people do. Kindness isn’t boring. The amount of audio books you could talk about isn’t boring & all the things you must have learned from them and your ability to have honest conversations with others on this forum isn’t boring. I might start checking out the library myself. It may expand my small world.

I must admit I like happy endings because I would like my life to have some of that happiness, especially with other people. I have watched dramas where there isn’t one and feel as if I have wasted my time watching it.I have social anxiety based off how I was raised. So you are not alone there. Being afraid of people, I just want someone to understand me and like me enough to want to hang around me. I would like love too. I think loads of people do. Being scared of others is natural.We don’t want to be hurt. And the world is a little bit more dangerous than when I was a kid. It is natural to be weary.

 I am glad that you feel you can take more risks, I would love to do that. Let me know if they pay off. That may inspire me to try too.

 I am glad to have been talking and met you Merricat. Keep telling yourself, you are not boring. It will become an automatic thought and belief if you tell yourself enough. But it is the truth.

I hope the audiobook is interesting.

ABC01

[Merricat]

Hi ABC01

Thanks. I think I'm getting better at recognizing all those negative self descriptions. After rereading my post to you, I think it's time to stop describing myself as 'boring'. I'm starting to do this alot lately, that is, changing how I act and react. That's what I meant about taking risks.  I feel alot more peaceful.

I like both happy and realistic endings, it depends on the story. If it's about homelessness, for example, I would hate a happy hollywood ending. I remember watching a movie about homelessness from Ireland called "Rosie" and it was, to say the least, very bleak but truthful. I just want to watch a movie where people look like the people you see everyday.

Anyway, I hope you have some 'happy moments' this week. Although we are going to be bombarded on Wednesday with the US election. 😒

Take care

Merricat 🐱

[ABC01]

Dear Merricat,

I think when we become our own cheerleader vs our own bully, things do get more peaceful and your confidence grows. So good on you.🙂

Thanks for the chat,

ABC01