Angry, grieving and guilt stricken

[Guest_26050780]

Hi,

I just lost my mum suddenly. I am overwhelmed with feelings of guilt. I placed her in an aged care home that I thought could and would care for her. 

I should never have trusted her care to them. But after 15 years of being a sole carer for a high dependency elderly parent I just couldn't manage it anymore. I was ceasing to exist as all I felt I was, was an extension of her. 

I guess its time to stand up on my own two feet again and try to start living again

But I really don't know where to start

Apart from the saying "one day at a time". 

[indigo22]

Hi,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

I am so sorry for your loss, losing a parent is always difficult to come to terms with, the bonds are tighter.

I understand what you are going through, I had to make the decision to put my father in a nursing home that I really liked, he had stayed there many times for respite. Just the act of putting him in a nursing home was enough to send me into a downward spiral. I know they were caring for him and he seemed happy enough there. Mum was not able to look after him any more as she was in her 80s at the time.

Those guilt feelings did eat away at me for a while, but it did ease in time and I eventually saw the damage that it was doing beating myself up like that. I also was carer for my mother, so I know how hard that life can be.  Yes, you do somehow get lost in all the appointments and responsibilities that the role requires of you.

All I can tell you is it will get better, how long that takes is largely up to you. Sometimes we just don't have any other options and we do what we have to at the time. It's easy to look back and think I should have done this or that, but if you could have, you would have. Try to be kind to yourself during this time, focus on looking after yourself, eat well, try your best to get good sleep, do something for one or two hours a day that you can focus on to take your mind off how you feel for a while. You gave of yourself, now it's time to give back to yourself.

I hope that helps a little, feel free to continue the conversation if you wish.

Look after you,

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Hello and welcome dear Guest_26050780,

I'm so sorry for your loss. My mum died suddenly and unexpectedly too and I know it is so hard to deal with. I concur with indigo that it does get better in time, in terms of those overwhelming feelings. Go gently and know that you were doing your absolute best.

I was caring for both my parents in their last years but in a way had been caring for my mum since about the age of five because of her mental health issues and her putting my in a parent/carer type role even though I was a small child. So when she died I felt like I had failed horrendously at the life task I felt I'd been given, even though I knew rationally I was never supposed to be the parent of my mother, especially in childhood. It's 3 and a half years later now and I can feel some shifting in what was chronically stuck grief before. I've learned to stop trying to rescue her even though she is not here anymore, which included going over the things I wish I had done or wish I had not done.

After 15 years of being a sole carer I'm sure you reached a major point of depletion where it was no longer humanly possible to push yourself in that role. I think you are right, it is now a chance for you to live for you again. I have felt myself just start to do that and it is a good feeling that you reach eventually where you realise you have your own life. I think going gently one day at a time is a good way to go.

Take good care,

Eagle Ray