Worried how I am going to cope when my wife gives birth to child number 2 in a few weeks...

[Steven1]

Hi everyone. I am relatively new to the forums. Have found it helpful so far (thanks all for your support to those that have written to me). Just need to vent really about my situation at the moment as I am worrying a lot..

I am a 30 year old married guy with a young son (he will be 3 in May) and my wife is 35 weeks pregnant and will be having our second child in the next few weeks. She is most likely going to have to have a Caesar too so will be needing even more support from me. I work full time doing shift work at all weird and wonderful hours but will get a few weeks off when the baby comes.

I have only been on antidepressants about 6 months but have probably been depressed for a few years. Was in denial for a long time. My wife reckons I haven't been the same man since our son was born in 2012 and I tend to agree. As much as I adore and love my son to bits, I have struggled with fatherhood and the way it has changed my life (and our relationship) forever.

I feel like I have no time at all for me anymore and am really worried this will get even worse when the baby comes. I am excited about the birth but also really scared! Saw my doctor recently and she thinks I should stay on the tablets for now and thinks I am going to need them for a while.

Have recently been trying to increase the amount of physical activity I am doing with some success but can't see it lasting once baby arrives. There just isn't going to be anytime.. I am sure anyone with young kids or kids in general can relate?? Or am I wrong?

Finding it very difficult to relax and wind down after work. I come home and it is straight into playing cars, toilet training, cleaning up endless mess and trying to maintain a house, garden and pay bills etc. I know I sound like a real whinger and this is just everyday life, but how am I going to cope with a new born baby on top of all of this too? And try and manage my moods and find time for me. It is going to be a real struggle. Feel sick just thinking about it to be honest.

[Altrot]

Hi Steven,

Thank you for writing. Although I am the one 'with'  depression in our partnership, my husband has been acting very strangely lately and I have been looking for advice. Your posts have helped me to be much more sympathetic to him. I get so frustrated when he just wants to sit, or when he loses his temper with our eldest (we have a baby too). 

So, not much help except I suppose to say that you are not alone. Being a parent is really hard. Good luck to both you and your wife. And thank you. 

 Alt.

[Steven1]

Thanks for your post Altrot. I think a lot of men struggle in silence. Don't mean to generalise but I know we (men) are not the best at communicating and sharing how we feel at times. Can't speak for other men or your husband, but I have felt very lonely and isolated at times during these first few years as a parent. There is a lot of focus on the baby and the mum (and quite rightly so), but sometimes the man is just forgotten completely. I often feel like my only purpose in life is to go to work and earn the money and pay the bills. And I am often too tired to enjoy my spare time if I have any.

[Neil_1]

 Hi there Steven

Interesting point you raise there, in that, yes it could be construed in the early years that the mother – baby bond is forged very strong.   But I think the father has his role to play also – and that can be to help out at different times, feeding, changing nappy’s, bathing and then you can even do stuff for your bub as well.   🙂 🙂

But seriously, though it’s all brand new and very different, there are certainly things that we can do to help out … and then as the months and years go by, the father role comes further into play in a lot of different ways;  and I think for a lot of the time, you don’t hardly notice it as you’re just “doing family” or “kid stuff” – I guess what I’m trying to say is that we’re doing things without  realising.

Gee, I knew what I was trying to say there, but I wonder if my message got across ok?

Now I do have to ask – the most recent post from you I can find said, “my soon new baby”.   Is this still the case?   The arrival must be very close, yeah??

Kind regards

Neil

[Altrot]

Steven, I was writing a long post in reply but this app is really shocking - lost it all. Hope to get back to you soon via website instead.

[Steven1]

Hi Neil. My wife is still hanging in there. Baby hasn't arrived yet. We had an ultrasound this afternoon which confirmed that she has to have a c section due to a low lying placenta. We have a doctor's appointment next week where they will book a date for her to have the baby. I would say we only have 2 weeks or so to go....

I knew what you were getting at in your previous posts. I do help with lots of things like changing nappies, feeding, cleaning up, playing and all the rest. I guess I just focus too much on seeing myself as the breadwinner as I am not home as much as I would like to be.

I must admit though - I am looking forward to meeting the baby.

I have to stop underestimating and underselling myself. I have no confidence. I never have done really.

[Altrot]

Hi Steven.

Confidence in oneself, though easy to identify as missing, is not so easy to come by. I know that feeling.

I guess after thinking about it for a few days I wanted to say that it is hard. I think it is great that you have chemical help and a supportive (yes?) doctor.  Things haven't gone as I expected with two children; although I thought I didn't have much me time before I definitely don't have much now.  It is especially good that you have had some help already because untreated PND can be exacerbated by the arrival of another child.  I imagine you've seen the stuff on PND, 30% of mothers, 10% of fathers. 

Sorry this is a bit abrupt (see above about me time!).

Also, I don't know how your wife feels, but what you say about feeling as only there to bring in the money... my impression is that the first few years pretty much is that. Some people manage more, sure - but low energy people like my husband and I are just counting the ...months? years?... until we're no longer exhausted every day and, for me at least, to 'exist' again in my own right.  I'm so interested that you've had a similar experience as I've been jealous of what I saw as my husband's outlet of work. Maybe he doesn't quite see it that way!  He certainly is 'the silent type' and maybe he suffers more than I realise.  

Sorry to keep it short, and not real coherent.  On the caesar, don't worry too much, my friends who've had caesars have had better recoveries than the naturals - it just varies so much on each case!

Many kind thoughts,

Alt.