Worried how I am going to cope when my wife gives birth to child number 2 in a few weeks...

[Steven1]

Hi everyone. I am relatively new to the forums. Have found it helpful so far (thanks all for your support to those that have written to me). Just need to vent really about my situation at the moment as I am worrying a lot..

I am a 30 year old married guy with a young son (he will be 3 in May) and my wife is 35 weeks pregnant and will be having our second child in the next few weeks. She is most likely going to have to have a Caesar too so will be needing even more support from me. I work full time doing shift work at all weird and wonderful hours but will get a few weeks off when the baby comes.

I have only been on antidepressants about 6 months but have probably been depressed for a few years. Was in denial for a long time. My wife reckons I haven't been the same man since our son was born in 2012 and I tend to agree. As much as I adore and love my son to bits, I have struggled with fatherhood and the way it has changed my life (and our relationship) forever.

I feel like I have no time at all for me anymore and am really worried this will get even worse when the baby comes. I am excited about the birth but also really scared! Saw my doctor recently and she thinks I should stay on the tablets for now and thinks I am going to need them for a while.

Have recently been trying to increase the amount of physical activity I am doing with some success but can't see it lasting once baby arrives. There just isn't going to be anytime.. I am sure anyone with young kids or kids in general can relate?? Or am I wrong?

Finding it very difficult to relax and wind down after work. I come home and it is straight into playing cars, toilet training, cleaning up endless mess and trying to maintain a house, garden and pay bills etc. I know I sound like a real whinger and this is just everyday life, but how am I going to cope with a new born baby on top of all of this too? And try and manage my moods and find time for me. It is going to be a real struggle. Feel sick just thinking about it to be honest.

[White_Rose]

Hello Steven

Welcome and thanks for your story. I have not answered your other post so I'm unsure what you wrote about. But I will try to give you some assistance here.

Having babies is can be terrifying. It's more than just changing nappies and feeding them. You are responsible for their safety and well-being, to bring them up to be happy and loving. Plus a squillion other things. And it's not until the first child is born that all this becomes apparent. So scary stuff.

I have four children, all very close in age. Eldest in school year one when fourth was born. If your wife is to have a caesarean birth then she will need help for several weeks until she heals. But as you are taking time off this will be good.

I can see why you became depressed after the birth of your son. Such a huge change of lifestyle. I don't see you as a whinger because I know the challenges. At the moment I expect your wife is very tired and unable to do a great deal due to the imminent birth. But this is short term. In a few weeks, after the surgery, she will be more able to manage the household.

Perhaps if you talk to her about your feelings you could come to an arrangement about when you come home. Your son is no doubt excited when you return and wants to play with daddy, so why not read him a story? It's a quiet occupation and you can sit down to do it. Tell him daddy needs to sit down for a while after work and rest. So long as you do not push him away he will accept this. Children are very accommodating I find.

Perhaps have a cuppa and unwind. Your wife will be pleased to leave the supervision of your son to you for a short time. Every household has it's own routines so I will not tell you what to do other than to take things slowly.

Who puts your son to bed? Can you make it a joint session, at least for a while? Once he is in bed you have the evening to yourselves. Relax. The housework will always be there but you need time to talk to your wife, unwind, makes plans, or whatever. Try not to be superman. It always leads to overload.

The more stress you place on yourself the more your depression will kick in. Slow down, you move too fast, as the song says.

Now I must go. Please write in again and I will get back to you.

Regards

Mary

[Chris_B]

Hey Steven, it's perfectly normal for you to be feeling like this. Keep chatting to us here, and you might also want tocheck out this page of our website for dads. There's a couple of resources you can download from there too.

 

[Neil_1]

Hi there Steven

(Said in the voice of Troy McClure from The Simpsons) – “You might remember me from posts that I’ve made to you on other threads …”  (and if you don’t know much about The Simpsons, then that will leave me feeling quite foolish and a bit red in the face, so I should move on).   It’s great that Christopher and White Rose have chipped in with very good responses to you and here’s my play on things for you.

First up, everything that I’ve read from you tells me that you are a pretty awesome Dad already – and you know, sometimes we just need to be told that;  especially the first time around, when it feels as though we’ve got L plates hung around our necks.  Do we do it this way or that?  What about them crying and yet, they’ve got fresh nappies, have been fed, yada yada yada – it’s a constant phase.   But as you said, you adore and love your son to bits, and you play cars with him and are chipping in with all the other stuff as well.  That’s what a parent, a good parent is all about;  and like White Rose, NO, you are not a whinger.  You’re just stating it how it is – and nothing wrong with that.

Stick with your docs advice and stay on the tablets;    with regard to time for yourself, yes, once you can get your son to be (hopefully at a reasonable time and that he is a good sleeper – we didn’t have that;  our son’s first 5 years were appalling – he still is a bad sleeper, but he’s at an age now, where he’s able to deal with it) after his bedtime, hopefully it’s not too late so that you can enjoy some quiet evening/night time.

Is there any possibility of getting up a bit earlier (even 30-40 mins) and going out for a walk/jog, etc??   For people who are able to do this, it really is a lovely time of day and to be out getting some fresh air and exercise, it can help a lot to really set up your day.

And I know your son is only a youngster anyway, but he is likely to want to hopefully help out with the baby as well at different times – and if that happens, it’s really awesome to watch and see.

One last thing – people always told me that it only gets worse as your kids get older.  But for me, I’ve found the complete opposite;  as the years have gone by, it’s only gotten (gotten, isn’t that an awful word) better and better.

Please right back again.

Neil

[White_Rose]

Hello Steven

Checking in to see how you are going.  I have been hoping to hear from you. Great posts from Neil and Christopher.  The couple of handbooks Chris has recommended look terrific. Before I go on I must make a comment to Neil

Neil - You are absolutely right. "Gotten" is a dreadful word Try "got" or "become" depending on the context. Ah this degenerate modern generation, she said shaking her head sadly. What is the world coming to?

But back to you Steven. Being depressed is a horrible experience. We all know about this and do our best to live life positively. One of the big problems is when we have additional stresses in our lives. Moving house, new job, having children are among the most stressful situations we go through other than death and divorce. So don't be hard on yourself.

As Neil says, you are a great dad. That's what dads do, play with their children when they come home from work.  The love and excitement the littlies show is so heart-warming and gives a lift of its own. Yes you are tired and I have suggested one strategy. The other is similar. As I said children are very accommodating if you explain. Tell your son you need to rest for a few minutes before playing. Even at age three they understand so long as you do play with him afterwards.

Anyway, I could go on for ever giving tips from my experience which in all probability will not be yours. Keep taking your ADs and talking to your doctor.

Mary

[Steven1]

Hi Mary. Thankyou for your suggestions and support. You sound like a really lovely person. Sorry it has taken me so long to reply, I have had a busy few days. Had a job interview at work yesterday and that took up a lot of my time and energy. Applied for a more senior position at work, pays a bit more so that would be handy. The interview went better than I expected so fingers crossed...

Anyway back to your questions about my son and what is happening there. We share the duties of looking after him pretty well. My wife is pretty supportive of my depression, however as you mentioned she has no energy at the moment either so it has been a struggle. My son loves it when I read him stories, and we do that every night before bed. Sometimes I read to him and sometimes she does. As for putting him to sleep, I do it a couple of times a week but my wife is better at it. Some nights I lay with him for ages but he keeps asking for her. Other nights he goes down ok. I must read him stories more often - it is far less tiring than playing outside. That was a good suggestion, thankyou.

When I get home from work I like to sit down and have a cuppa or sometimes a beer/wine but I find myself feeling very sleepy and lazy once I sit on the couch. I seem to have no energy for anything once I sit down. Sometimes it is easier to potter around and keep busy. But obviously that is exhausting too..

Wow 4 children must have been full on. I appreciate then that you know all about raising young ones :). We are just having the 2 children. Once the baby comes along I am going to have a vasectomy. 2 is enough for me!

While I am here I would also like to thank Chris and Neil for your comments too. And I appreciate your compliment that I am already a great Dad. Felt good to read that. My confidence and self worth is pretty low so I have never really thought of myself as a great Dad but I guess I am. This morning I took my son to Hyde Park for a play while my wife had a pregnancy massage. It was a nice morning.

Will write back soon and update you on how things are going. I will also have a look at that info Chris. Thanks

[Neil_1]

Hi Steven

Thanx heaps for your latest response and update.

The story reading is such a positive and great thing to do – it gets them interested in books, and along those lines helps with them to become familiar with words and is a great starting point for their reading skills as well.  Always a brilliant thing to do.

With all that talk about reading stories/books etc, it got me thinking to share something we used to do.

We haven’t done this for a long long time now and the kids are too old for this now anyway, but when they were younger (and when I was feeling in a better place), I would have a Cards Night at home – say twice a year.  A few mates come over, beers, chats and an evening/night playing cards;  and the kids would be fascinated in it.  But then would come the time for their bed time and each time, they would choose one of my mates who then had to stop playing for a couple of hands, while they had to go and read a couple of books to the kids.  It was funny stuff and great at the same time.

Cheers

Neil

[Steven1]

Hey Neil. Thanks for sharing. Cards night sounds great. I love cards - euchre is my favourite card game. But unfortunately I don't have many mates and no one would come around for a cards night.

I don't know how it has happened but over the years I have lost the ability to make new friendships and when I have developed some it seems almost impossible to maintain them. Everyone seems too busy and we are lucky if we catch up once a year.

[Neil_1]

Hi Steven

We played ‘21’ a lot and another real fun little game called “Chase The Ace”.   We also would have about $10 worth of change;   mostly 50c or $1 coins or even 20c pieces to have little bets;   so if you lost out, it wasn’t a big loss, but it also gave a little incentive on the night as well and no harm done either way.

Not sure if we have spoken before;   with regard to outside clubs, etc;   but are you a member of any clubs?   There are lots of other things to try and have a go at as well;   ten pin bowling for instance;   and not sure of any sporting prowess, but there’s centres for indoor cricket, volleyball, etc.  Where most times you can either ring up or go along and ask about playing and the centre can place you in a team.  Just thoughts.

Also, you’ve got a couple of mates at your work yeah?  And one who is giving you some assistance with the work gym.   But I’m not here trying to get you to win over friends at all – sorry, I hope it hasn’t come across that way;  it was just a bit of a response to possible suggestions along those lines.  Hope I didn’t misconstrue things and over step my mark.

Kind regards

Neil

[Steven1]

Hi again Neil. Sorry it has taken so long for me to reply.

Funny that you mentioned ten-pin bowling. I was actually a member of a league for a few years and have my own bowling ball and shoes but gave it up due to missing too many games with my shift work and the cost (twenty five bucks a week). My wife and I met a nice couple there and we formed a friendship but they moved up north and are fifo workers now, 4 weeks on and 1 week off so we never see them.

I am not part of any other clubs or sports but I know where you are going with that. I should join something but just don't have much time between my shift work, wife, young son and soon new baby 🙂