Working with depression/bipolar

Sad_and_useless · ‎26-02-2018

Hi guys,

I'm a 32 year old woman who is diagnosed as bipolar and severe depression. Have been this way for the majority of my adult life. I managed to work full time up until I was 28 as a vet nurse, then I had to have a year's break. I'm back at work now after my second big break doing 20 hours a week at the same place. I love my job. I love my employers. Yet I'm really struggling once again with going in. All I want to do is sleep, I'm just bone tired. I'm just thinking to myself if I can't manage a measley 20 hours a week what the hell do I do? My employers have been beyond understanding and supportive, and so have my workmates. How many times can history repeat and I call in sick and everyone suffers? I'm in the exact same position I was in 10 years ago - when does it get better?? I've tried to help myself, have been in counselling, have been admitted to hospital, the whole nine yards. And again, how can I keep doing this to the people who care about me? I'm 32 years old and my mother still has to check in on me and make me dinner or lend me money. I keep waiting for it to get better but it never ever does. I don't want to be unemployed, I love my job, which I've had since I was 16 years old. I guess what I'm asking is, is it possible to be bipolar/depressed and still have a job? Would love to hear from anyone who is experiencing this same turmoil.

debrox1618 · ‎26-02-2018

Hi there,

As I read your post I could understand your predicament. I also have bipolar and work full time. I’ve been wishing for years that I could take a big break and try to get well, but my husband hasn’t worked for years and I have two kids so there’s no other choice. Even though I feel like this is aging me at an accelerated rate.

You are very lucky at having stable employment. I’ve had to jump ship between employers so often I’m going backwards rather than progressing any kind of career.

I have more empathy than advice unfortunately. But I know that if I could, I’d take a break from work. It doesn’t matter if it’s your second, third, or twentieth, as your needs are different to others. Try and go somewhere you can be taken care of. Maybe your Mother’s, or a hospital, or a country retreat.....whatever will make you safe.

In my experience, one of the hardest parts about living and working with bipolar, is coming to terms that I’m different. I cannot maintain the lifestyle I want to, I’m always going to be the one taking extra time off.

I wish you luck in deciding what to do next.

blondguy · ‎26-02-2018

Hello Sad (I refuse to use the Useless as you are anything but)

I really feel for you as I have worked in a senior management role since 1998 and it took an unbelievable amount of strength to work....as you are.

Depression for me has reduced in its severity. The only reason was having free weekly counseling from my mental health care worker for seven months....(from my local council)

It is very hard to continue working however frequent fortnightly/weekly therapy really worked

Im not sure if you experience any anxiety issues with your depression Sad...either way these awful feelings can be reduced in severity with super frequent counseling....and having a heartfelt 'vent'

I really hope you can stick around the forums as your post struck a cord with my own background

You are not alone Sad.....and thankyou for being a part of the forum family too

My kind thoughts

Paul

quirkywords · ‎27-02-2018

Hi sad,

Welcome to the forums. You will find this a caring and supportive place.

I have lived it a diagnosis for over 40 years and mostly worked part time and casual.

12 years ago I started my own business, a shop, and it is every day butI it makes a difference being my own boss. I do know I am lucky and most people cant do that.

Your mum sounds very supportive.

It is great you have supportive employers and must value your work .

With the twenty hours do you work every day- 4hrs a day or do you have a day off?

It is hard but you are working hard and doing your best. The tiredness is what gets me and it never seems to go away.

I think if you can tell your employers how Yu are really they may give you some time off. I know if I push myself and keep everything inside I end up crashing down. If I ask for help and have a small break I am sometimes ok.

Feel free to post here when you like.

Take care

Quirky

Sad_and_useless · ‎27-02-2018

Thank you for taking the time to read my post. You've hit the nail on the head there, we are different. I guess I keep comparing myself to everyone around me and then feel guilty because they seem to have actual real grown up problems. It's very hard. All the best with your journey.

Sad_and_useless · ‎27-02-2018

Thank you for your kind words. I have spoken to my GP today and have started a new mental health care plan. Even going to the dr was really hard. I do need to see someone, I've always been afraid to take advantage of the free services available and have spent big bucks on private psychs, but I'm afraid I'm in the position now where I don't have any other option. The reason I was hesitant to see the free psych is in comparison to many other people my problems are pretty tame. I have never been abused, I was brought up in a loving home with a loving family, I went to school and had lots of friends. Even though I'm a big girl I never really was bullied. On paper, there is no reason for me to feel the way I do, and that just makes me feel incredibly guilty. And the other thing is too, and I think I'm not the only person, is knowing YOU have to actively help yourself. You can't wait around for somebody to come and save you. But when you're down it literally seems impossible to help yourself when having a shower or going to get groceries seems like an insurmountable task. Thank you for taking the time to read my posts.

Sad_and_useless · ‎27-02-2018

Again, thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply. My mum and little brother are the only reasons I'm still here. If not for them, I would have given up a long time ago. I know it'd be the easiest answer but although I will have peace, I couldn't do it to my family. Sometimes I resent that and wish I could just do it. With work, I am so lucky to have employers and workmates who are so understanding and patient, but I think this makes it worse too. When I call in sick or have time off I know they struggle with the extra work. Any other workplace would have gotten rid of me years ago. The definition of insanity is repeating the same behaviours expecting a different outcome. This is what's been happening for well over 15 years now. How do you know when enough is enough? To be kind to my employers I should just quit so they can get somebody reliable. I've only ever been a vet nurse, that's all I know, I'd never be able to do anything else.

quirkywords · ‎27-02-2018

Sad

thanks fr your kind reply.

You keep thinking what a burden you are to your employers, but there is a reason they have employed you for so long. I am thinking you have good people skills and you love animals. You know the routine and would be a hard worker and animals and people would have confidence in you.

If you had epilepsy or another illness you would need time off work too .

I have you ever spoke to your employers about how you feel? I feel they would reassure you.

I am sure you like your work when you are well. Many people have only had the one job and the fact you have had it for so long means you are reliable worker.

I like you have felt guilty as I had loving parents a great childhood.

I think no one asks for an illness . I know I am very sensitive and get upset over things that other people don't, but thats me.

Keep posting as often as you like , there are people here who are reading and interested in your posts

Quirky

Do you have times when you don't feel down even for a short time. ?

Dom20 · ‎09-03-2018

Dear All,

Working with Bipolar has a whole heap of challenges. When you are high your mind races and you struggle to listen well to others and focus on one idea at a time. At other times, when the depression hits it can become very hard to follow a discussion amongst others, process information and recall memories. Not having recall, and not being able to understand others 'in real time' makes us feel stupid and anxious, and afraid of being around colleagues and even friends. I know when I am depressed, sometimes I cannot even think of decent conversation to engage another human being. We can become so internally focused, and devote so many individual thoughts to evaluating our own words, actions and emotions, that we forget to understand others. We don't think in depth about events or tend to notice things in the real world that happen 'out there' in reality. This is certainly my experience and it can be devastating as I am in a role where people rely on me, and at times, I cannot rely on my own consistency of emotional balance and intellectual reliability. I honestly think I drop about 20 IQ points when depressed. Do others have similar experiences?

Danielle324 · ‎09-03-2018

Hi Dom20,

I can completely relate - I have depression and work full time and lately have found work very difficult in the same way you are - feeling that you are not responding to people in real time, lower IQ etc and I really should take the same advice as I'd offer you. It is not fair or acceptable for people to not take mental illness into consideration at times (even when they don't know about it) and just jump to conclusions as to why we can't answer in a short timeframe. We are doing the best we can do! God showing up to work at all at times can be tough let alone feeling like you're not enough when you get something wrong. I honestly wish more workplaces were more understanding of mental illness - maybe in the future it won't be so taboo.... I don't even feel that I can tell anyone about it without being judged. I feel like I've worked so hard to get where I am I don't want to be seen as 'weak' or anything even though I know that neither of us are. We are just simply trying our best every single day and should be appreciated more. In light of all this I hope you have some time off to relax over the long weekend (If you're in VIC)