Wife is not helpful

[Fishdrums]

So, I have been very recently diagnosed with depression,  though I haven't been myself for quite some time. My wife has noticed a change in me, but she had never approached me to talk. I am usually fairly quiet, and not a big talker when it comes to my feeings anyway. We have been through a hellish two years of family court proceedings regarding her two children, which has put a lot of strain on our marriage. I have always tried to be the rock she needs. But now that I have a name to call this horrible, lonely condition, she has retreated and is treating me like I have a contagious disease. During my worst depressive episodes, she runs. It's like she is in denial. She has admitted that it's hard for her to stop and help me,  when the four children take up so much of her time. She is clearly not coping, but I find it difficult to be so concerned about her when I can't see through my own gloom. I am so alone in my marriage. 

Can anyone relate?

[Doolhof]

Hi Fishdrums and welcome to the community here at Beyond Blue.

Even in the happiest of relationships it is difficult for one person to understand and acknowledge the person they are with has depression.

So you have been diagnosed with depression, how has your Dr suggested you deal with this issue?

There are so many ways you can receive help with your depression. There is a great service here at Beyond Blue where you can use the telephone and talk direct to someone, or use the webchat.

Connecting as you have here is a great step as well. There have been quite a few posts lately about people struggling with their depression and relationships.

It sounds like you have had a lot of other issues as well recently so it is no wonder things have piled on top of each other.

Is it possible for someone to have the children even for a couple of hours so you and your wife can go and have a coffee and chat? If not then can you find an activity to keep all the children busy while you have a chat somewhere.

Your wife may be having a hard time accepting your diagnosis, but now you have an answer to your mental state of health, you can work on it and make steps to recovery.

Try and find something enjoyable to do as a family, go hiking, to the beach, take some balls to a park and toss them around, think of something with energy to help you all let off some steam maybe.

Make a list of things you used to enjoy doing by yourself, with your wife, with the children and try to do some of those things again.

Find ways to reduce the depression. Eating healthy, going for walks, reading something interesting, gardening, bike riding, listening to uplifting music, writing out how you are feeling, and what ever else you think of can only improve how you are feeling.

Hope some of this helps.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[White_Rose]

Dear Fishdrums

Welcome to Beyond Blue.

It's good that you looked for help and received a diagnosis. Are you taking medication or seeing a psychologist? These things can be helpful although not always necessary.

Have a look at the resources available on BB. Got to The Facts and Resources above and send for any of the information you find helpful.

Like Mrs Dools I suggest you find a time to talk with your wife. Give her the info from BB to read. Many folk find depression scary because they know little about it except for current community attitudes. When you were supporting your wife through court proceedings it would have been a very hard time, but also obvious where the stresses were coming from.

You both experienced the frustration, delays, possible anger and destruction of relationships and could understand where the other was coming from. It would have been relatively easy to see and empathize.

Depression is nothing like that. It has no apparent cause and the symptoms are often considered imaginary. The pain and despair it causes is largely hidden from those who have not had this illness. My guess is that you often put on your genial mask. So it is not surprising that your wife does not understand what is happening.

Try to explain how you feel and how you would like her to help and support you. When someone knows nothing about depression it is quite hard to know what to do to help. You have been supporting her but now the boot is on the other foot. And it's a very different situation.

You now need to concentrate on getting well yourself. Depression uses up your energy in a huge way. Trying to care for yourself and your wife is almost impossible at this stage. I realise it sounds hard or uncaring but you need to make yourself the priority for the time being. And this is something your wife will need to understand.

You say you feel she runs away. This is quite likely because she does not know what to do. So repeating myself, keep the communication channels open, tell your wife what is happening and what your psych, if you have one, says about everything. Involve her as much as possible as you need heaps of support.

Mary

[Chris_B]

Hi Fishdrums, welcome to the forums.

Have a look at our Have The Conversation page, which has some tips on how you might approach these talks with your wife, and what to do if you get a less than ideal response.