Why am I so unlikeable?

[Rosie]

Just got home from hospital because of my mental health.  Lifeline, 000 and the paramedics were so kind and caring.  Then the mental health doctor arrived and he was so arrogant that I just felt like I was a nuisance and a burden to the hospital.  He said "what do you want me to do".  I said I didn't know and maybe I should go home.  He replied "fine, I'll walk you to the door".  I was suicidal and that was the last thing he said to me.  I am NEVER going to go to another doctor again.

I try to be normal and I even tried answering a few BB posts in a positive way, like the way the "community champions" do but I was pathetic.  I have nothing to give as I have very little life experience even at 63.  A fat, ugly old spinster that the neighbourhood bullies make fun of.

I'm so tired!

Rosie 😪

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Rosie,

Awe sweetheart, please try hard to not belittle yourself like that….I have read a few of your reply’s and I found them to be caring and honest….I remember talking to you about a month back, but something happened and I lost your thread name….

I’m so sorry that the mental health Dr. at the hospital was so rude and arrogant towards you…that is so wrong, he is there to help people with mental health not to disregard them like he did…..Please, do go to a Dr. if you feel you’re unsafe, maybe not that one…is there another hospital that you could go to, if you find yourself suicidal?…

I am a few years older then you are, I am the first to admit that I don’t have much life experience, the only things I do is go to my volunteer job 3 days a week, do a bit of shopping on my way home, then stay inside my home until it’s my day to work….before my volunteer work I isolated myself from the outside world…my home was my world for several years…people frightened me so much, that I just stayed home…

Rosie, honey, I was saddened when I read about neighbourhood bullies, I can relate to that, the past year a new family has moved into the little village I live in and the three boys have been so destructive to other peoples property and are constantly doing burnouts around the streets…The village I live in, has a population of just over 200 and most are elderly residents who, like myself are afraid of these boys and what they are capable of doing…. the police just give them a slap on the wrist and tell them to behave…I’m so sorry you’re being bullied.

I know you have so much to give other people, you sound like such a very kind and caring special lady, that I would like to get to know better….(if that’s okay) no pressure at all…

Rosie, we have a great virtual cafe here on the forums, it’s a really good place to pop into and chat to other members…it’s a safe place on the forums that doesn’t allow any heavy or depressive talking, just light happy conversations about anything and everything….It would be so nice if you can check it out….just search…”BB cafe”…

My kindest thoughts Dear Rosie, and a gentle caring hug 🤗..

Grandy..

[therising]

Hi Rosie

You're obviously a beautiful deeply feeling person who is suffering so much. While the world needs sensitive people, my heart breaks for those who are led to feel the level of pain that can come with sensing so much.

I wish I was there with you to question that doctor, as he really is questionable. For a start, I would have said 'You're meeting this lady on what is one of the worst, most depressing and challenging days of her life and you're asking her for guidance. You're asking her what she wants you to do. Don't you think you should be guiding her in a number of ways, so that she can leave here with a plan she feels somewhat optimistic about?'. I think we can meet with a variety of doctors or specialists over our lifetime. Some can be a)deeply empathetic (love those sensitive types). Some can be b)somewhat lacking in their ability to feel for their patients, maybe due to having become desensitised over time. Some can fall into category c)completely insensitive, based on their purely analytical nature. For a sensitive person, it can be easy to sense who fits into what category. I'm so sorry you had to feel that doctor's nature and didn't have the opportunity to meet with someone who could guide you.

Rosie, just because you can't feel yourself making a difference to people on the forums here, doesn't mean they don't feel the difference. Even if some don't feel a difference straight away, doesn't mean they won't recall something you've said a little further down the track, something that rings true for them at a time where they need your words.

When it comes to bullies, I consider them to have mental issues that need addressing. It doesn't seem fair that their mental issues lead to problems for others. Do you think it's mentally healthy for someone to experience joy in relation to other people's suffering? Would you say it's mentally sound to push and push other people toward anxiety and depression or worse? Definitely not. There are even times where I think financial compensation should be given to those who suffer as a result of bullying. Kinda like 'Why should I be the one to pay a mental health professional based on you having the kind of issues that have led me to suffer?'. My 19yo son and I reached the conclusion, after years of him being bullied at school, that it was never his fault he could feel the depressing and stressful nature of others. It related to his ability to feel their nature. Rosie, you have one up on these kinds of people. You can feel far more than they can. You can feel their depressing nature, their stressful nature, their angering nature, their self serving nature, their sense of self entitlement and more. Do you think they can feel all that? Absolutely not.

There's an interesting book called 'Sensitive Is the New Strong', by Anita Moorjani. Someone put me onto it a couple of years back. What makes it interesting involves it looking at sensitivity from the perspective of it being an ability that can come with quite a number of challenges. As a sensitive 54yo gal, I've learned every bit of helpful info can make a difference when it comes to managing such an ability. We sensitive people have to stick together, this way we can feel each other's loving and supportive nature. I imagine you'd much prefer to feel Grandy's beautiful soulful nature than the nature of those bullies in your neighbourhood. Like Grandy, is there an opportunity in your neighbourhood for you to volunteer to share your deeply feeling nature with those who need it?

[Rosie]

Thank you both for sharing your concern for my welfare.  I'm still suicidal but I'm alive, although I feel like a zombie today and can't stop crying.

I often ring Lifeline and when I tell them my name and age, and that I'm feeling suicidal, they always respond with something like: "I'm so glad you have rung us today".  It took courage for me to go the next step and call 000 as I've never done that before.  As you already know it was a complete disaster once I arrived at the hospital.  Honestly, when someone with suicidal ideations is sitting in front of you, you should start the conversation with "I hear you have been struggling, so how about you and I see if we can come up with a plan to help you". 

I wish everyone would stop and consider that the person they are bullying may be considering suicide.  Luckily you guys are so supportive but for people who have suicidal ideations, one cruel act can push them over the edge.  I hope our friends on the BBF "suicide and self-harm" pages, especially Leo25, have not experienced what I went through last Monday.  Thank you.

Rosie xx💜🩵

[x__]

hi roșie

you're so right that people who you expect to be caring can be bullying and abusive and make us feel much worse

you have the right to be treated better than that

I would encourage you to make a formal complaint about how you were treated if you're feeling up to it, because they think that just because we're vulnerable that they can do whatever they like

it needs to be stopped and the only way is if we raise our voices and let ourselves be heard

mental health in this country is worse than a joke

[Rosie]

Hi x_

What I'd like to do is sit down with him and play an audio of how Beyond Blue, Lifeline, 000 and the paramedics begin a conversation with someone in need of help.

Anyway, I can't even remember his name as I was so mentally drained.   Although it was a small hospital, I think they should have a separate 'calm room' that has dim lighting and plants to help people in distress.

It's interesting you said "mental health in this country is worse than a joke" as it is almost verbratim to what the paramedic said to me.  She wasn't wrong!!!

Rosie 🙂

[therising]

Hi Rosie

It's interesting when someone's on the receiving end of care. Often they can feel everything the caregiver says and does, whether the caregiver's conscious of it or not. I'm going back a fair way, into my mid 20s when I recall a trip to hospital (having reached rock bottom in depression). In hindsight I can say how I would have preferred that experience to have gone but, of course, at the time we don't have a huge amount of confidence and assertiveness when it comes to proclaiming something along the lines of 'I feel you could be doing a slightly better job than this' or insisting someone say 'I hear you have been struggling, so how about you and I see if we can come up with a plan to help you'. The thing about hindsight is it serves us but never in the moment. With a hospital appointed psychologist, I think unless they have first hand experience with depression and have felt how rock bottom actually feels, no amount of textbooks and client experience can have them relate to what it actually feels like. All they can really do is imagine. As I previously mentioned, they're basically speaking to someone who's facing one of the worst days of their life, if not the worst day. Actually 'worst' doesn't even come close to summing up how it feels. I think 'torturous' is more like it or perhaps 'Somewhat like hell on earth'. 

I'd have to say one of the toughest things about depression can be the inner dialogue. Gee, it can get seriously tough, putting it mildly. Those so called 'inner demons' can be horrible things. I know that one you speak of, the one that loves it when you look in a mirror. Can sound a little like 'Look at yourself. You're fat and ugly'. Rosie, it's a mongrel that one. I know it well. Try not to pay it any attention, as it thrives on us being depressed. Much prefer the inner dialogue that sounds more like 'Why don't you go on the beyond blue forums' or 'Look for people who are going to inspire you, not bring you down' or 'If you need to cry, let it all out'. I smile when I think of my insulting inner demon, the one that loves those mirrors. I swear it works in tandem with the saboteur in me, which can sound like 'Think about how much happier you'd be with a block of chocolate and a pack of chips in front of an all day Netflix binge'. With these 2 inner demons working together, I can almost hear my brutal depressing inner critic saying to the saboteur in me 'I'll get her really depressed while you get her to put more weight on for the next time she looks in the mirror'. Btw, our brutal depressing inner critic absolutely thrives on us believing everything bullies or degrading people convince us of.

[Trans22]

Sorry about the length of this post - I blame ADHD.  I'm "briefly" noting my experiences, just in case they might help you.

I've rung 000 or 1300MHCALL multiple times.  I've had good and bad experiences as mental health patient in an ED.  The good experiences always involved direct interaction with an Acute Care Team person (not always available) - person who patiently sat and actively listened, offering tissues when I needed them.   My latest experience was horrible - it started with my sitting a locked room, alone, for almost 2 hours.  A nurse came in and promised water, medicine, & vitals check but none eventuated.  An ED doctor eventually arrived that clearly didn't have the time to have a conversation.  I always try to find excuses/reasons why people behave the way they do - that doctor was probably under a lot of stress (ED waiting room was overflowing when I arrived).  I suppose my point is that having one bad experience doesn't mean every experience will be bad.

My experiences with Lifeline, BeyondBlue, & QLife have been good, mostly.  The worst experience came when I left it too long (my fault) - I was in crisis and should have rung 1300MHCALL or 000.  My ambulance experiences associated with mental health have all been good - although the first time they turned up, unannounced, with police didn't start well.  The hospital I go to when in/near crisis has a "Wadda Mooli" (Welcome) room, for mental health support, which I've used many times - a good experience every time I've seen someone there.  I wonder whether there is a similar option at the hospital you go to?  There may be other mental health support services near you - e.g., I've used a local "Head To Health" service.  Look into mental health services that might be available in your area.

I also had a mostly positive in a private mental health hospital that I locked myself away in - finally got a great return on my private health insurance payments.

[Rosie]

It's so complex that it does my head in sometimes.  We all suffer from anxiety and depression as it's a normal human reaction to what life throws at us.  You're right though, if this doctor (he didn't say he was a pyschologist, for all I know he may have been another mental patient like me) has never suffered from chronic depression and suicidal ideations then he is never truely going to be able to empathise, he can only imagine what it feels like. When I read the BBF posts, and someone mentions they're in a "dark place", I know exactly where they are. Minutes can seem like hours especially at night.  All I know is that last Monday was such a miserable experience and I'll think twice about doing it again.  Honestly, instead of showing me the door, he could have just as well taken me to an open window and pushed me out.

I am fat and ugly, look up "blob fish" on the internet, that's more or less me.  I know it's shallow but I'd love to be beautiful.  As for the rotten inner voices, they never leave me along but I do sometimes tell them to "sod off".

I'm doing some deep breathing exercises before I go to bed which is rather hypnotic.  I used to feel very alone but it has helped joining the BB forum.  I'm always trying to copy others because I don't trust myself.  In fact, I have no idea who I am but that's probably because I live in a fantasy world and I become someone else (beautiful of course).  See "maladaptive daydreaming".  I've been doing it since I was a child.  

Your posts are always thought provoking and I like that, no doubt because you've  been in the dark place many times yourself.  As for my 'neighbourhood bullies' as I call them, I am resign to the fact that they will never stop because they're having too much fun. Take care.

Rosie 💜🩵

[Rosie]

Hi Trans22

I'm going to answer your post tomorrow if that's okay as your experiences are very enlightening.  It's fascinating reading about everybody's life experiences.   Speak to you tomorrow - also need to charge my phone.

Rosie