Where to go from here

[bunnybee]

Hi there.. 

I am 38yrs old and have been in my relationship for 14 years. We have three beautiful young children all under the age of 10. 
I thought our family life was great until out of the blue my partner told me he didn’t love me anymore. 
He mentioned to me that he feels nothing at all no emotions what so ever. 
he came forward and said he feels depressed and unhappy. He eventually moved back with his mum for a short while but then came back home after a few months and asked to take things slow. I asked him how he was feeling and he said that he was better which he wasn’t. I love him very much and finally convinced him to seek treatment.

he is speaking to someone and also on medication for his diagnosis of sever depression. 
fast forward to our current situation where we don’t sleep in the same bed and he says he still feels no love. 
we live under the same roof with our babies but this entire situation is taking its toll on me. 
Am I silly to be holding on for a man that has told me on two occasions that he doesn’t love me. When we speak he tells me that peoples feelings change and that he can’t help the way he feels… 

my thing is if he feels that way why doesn’t he completely cut ties with me and continue on his life journey without me instead of hurting me so deeply. 
He keeps saying that he is not ready to move out as he doesn’t like being away from the kids but doesn’t seem to mind that he is making my suffer. 
even with the help he is getting he still says that he is in a really bad place. 
does he need to make the move to cut off ties..?? 
I just don’t know where to go from here. 
would appreciate other peoples point of view in this situation.. 

thanks in advance… ❤️

[white knight]

Hi BB, welcome

I feel so sad for you and have experience of separation 3 times previous to my now happy marriage of 12 years.

No matter what you do his "no love" for you wont likely change. Traditionally returning to romantic locations of the past or tapping into his inner feelings, even in some cases taking his severe depression into account, love can return, however it is more unlikely. 

Children are resilient. That was told to me after my 1st marriage separation (7 and 4yo girls) by their principle at school. They are even more adaptable if shared custody is considered and the ideal is for you both to sit down and measure the best level of this eg 50/50 is great with him living nearby and you can also make adjustment depending on his depressive periods when caring for your children is less ideal as he cares for his health.

Him moving out will release you to proceed to a single life and fulfil your own needs for love and companionship. 

Finally and most importantly, with the mother of my children a good healthy communication without grudges (from her) was not possible. It is possible for some though. If you can maintain a friendship of sorts that leads to him attending birthday parties, parent and teacher nights and so on then you are handling a golden relationship that benefits your children. Such a friendship can still include caring for each others happiness. Boy, I wish I had that. Instead I had to endure 14 years of hurtful comments and attitude that led to a "dont ever contact me again" when my youngest reached 18yo.. that was 12 years ago, and she hasnt.

You would be feeling very sad and will be even more challenged until this situation resolves itself. But telling him "I need love and as your for me has drifted away I must look after my needs and seek a separation, but I'm willing to work with you and not deprive you of our beautiful children" words like that.

I'm convinced you are a beautiful mum and have been a loving and caring spouse, but life isnt guaranteed even when you possess such good characteristics. I wish you well and we are here during the journey or any questions you might want to ask.

TonyWK

[james1]

Hi bunnybee,

I'm so sad to hear that your family life and relationship has been disrupted so much.

I probably can't give good advice because I've not been in the same situation where I've had kids to consider, but you said something that drew my attention, where you said he doesn't like being away from the kids but doesn't seem to mind that he is making you suffer.

It sounds like you're really hurt and shocked by what seems like his uncaring and unloving attitude towards you. Something I have noticed in my own previous relationships is that when someone 'checked out', they may have still cared for the other person and not known how to create that distance in a caring way. It seems to be a particularly painful period of time. 

While I don't really know what your partner wants or thinks, it sounds like you still love him but feel really hurt and lost. If you don't mind sharing, do you want him to move out or do you have any thoughts about what you'd like to do from here? It's not silly to be holding on to hope, but it may be helpful to shift the focus away from his feelings. Instead, we could make sure you have ways to get support from friends or extended family, now that he's not the best person for that.

Take care for now.

James