I’m losing my life. I have lost so much of my life.

[Rrrawr]

I don’t know what to do. I can’t experience joy. I feel alone and unable to connect. I can’t get out. I’ve done everything, eating right, exercising, socialising, all the different meds, ect, talk therapies, light therapy. I’ve been trying for so long. I get myself together briefly over the summer and then fall back into the depths in April until spring every year. I’ve spent maybe five years of the last ten in stuck like this. It’s so hard to maintain any semblance of trajectory in career and relationships loving like this.

Trying again is so expensive, I can’t afford it but could eat my savings. I’m on a waiting list for a counsellor who I can see a handful of times before that eats up all the savings I have. I don’t have much savings because I’ve been unable to work properly because of my reoccurring illness.

It feels like I need a doctor but I would only be able to see them a few times because they cost $500 a session. Then again they’ve never been able to help. They’ve often made things worse.

If I spend all my money I won’t be able to keep renting probably, it is likely that rent will increase soon. I had to go part time because I am so sick. I’ll also not have money for nice things, I’ve already missed out on so much for so long but there’s no point saving for nice things if I can’t enjoy anything I guess.

I have next to no friends. No one knows what to say to me anymore. Who would want to be around this anyway it’s exhausting. My family resent me for being so miserable and think that I don’t have a right to be sad because of my ‘first world privilege’, it’s not  sadness though, I feel sick, so much more anguish and difficulty than sadness. Some of them don’t talk to me, I don’t know why, it feels like they hate me or are ashamed. I would hate this disappointment too. I am ashamed too.

(Please be clear I am safe just suffering tremendously).

It feels hopeless. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to spend another ten years or the rest of my life suffering and becoming more and more isolated. But it feel’s inevitable given the lack of available/accessible supports.

[mmMekitty]

Hello Rrrawr & welcome to the BB Forums. Thank you for reaching out to us. I'm sure that wasn't easy to do.

There are people around the Forums with many ideas for how to cope & what to do when struggling day to day, as you are.

For me, what helps most, being here alone, is getting up anyway, doing things anyway, no matter how I feel. It's really hard some days. Winter has an effect on me, too, but I'm sure not to the extent it does on you.

I thought my Psychiatrist was expensive - but $500 per session seams an unmanageable amount for anyone. I'm sure there are doctors out there who won't charge so much. &, with the help of Medicare, the expense is much reduced.

Since you've been struggling with this for a long time, may I ask if there is anything which has helped, even a little?

You might like to talk more directly to BB Counsellors. You can do that by phoning 1300 224 636. Or see 'Chat Online', below, at the end of this page, there is a link.

& you may come here to chat anytime, too.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[therising]

Hi Rrrawr

I feel for you so much as you face what is for you the worst time of the year. It's so incredibly tough when facing depression and having little idea in regard to what precisely is causing it. While a general idea can be handy, such as suspecting it has something to do with the colder months, general doesn't necessarily change anything.

Having managed the ins and outs of depression over the years, I've finally come to see it from 3 perspectives - mental, phyiscal/chemical and natural or what some may see as having soulful elements. Whether a depression is based on 1, 2 or all 3 elements happening at the same time becomes the question, as all 3 elements can be treated differently. The simplest example that comes to mind in regard to the grey skies and winter

• Mentally, the inner dialogue can shift. 'I hate this weather. Grey skies are just depressing. I can't wait until spring comes (intolerance, agitation and a depressing level of waiting)'. Spending more time indoors can lead to spending more time with triggering kinds of people. The 'What's wrong with me?' factor can also come into play (seeing our self as 'broken' in some way) and the list goes on
• Physically/chemically a lack of sun (solar power) helps explain a drop in vitamin D levels and the light therapy you can relate to having. Also, every habit we develop or repeat at certain times produces chemical reactions in the body. Thoughts, beliefs, inner dialogue, sleep patterns, diet, exercise or lack of it, triggering kinds of people etc etc etc all tie into chemical reactions and energy in one way or another. A depressing lack of the chemistry/energy we can thrive on in the warmer sunnier months can have serious side effects. Although humans don't actually hibernate, there's some interesting stuff out there that can help explain a lot of the changes we go through in what can be labeled as human hibernation in winter (which includes a downshift in metabolism)
• Natural/soulful/spiritual. Whatever we want to call it, it's all about what either feeds the soul or what feels soul destroying. Extra sensitive people can easily sense what they thrive on and sense what feels destructive or depressing. Call it an ability. 'Feelers' have a different language: 'I love how blue skies and sunny days feel. I can't tolerate feeling a lack of energy, it feels seriously depressing. I thrive on feeling inspiration. I can feel what you just said to me' and so on. As a feeler, we can easily feel or get a sense of any form of therapy that works or doesn't work, whether it involves what mentally impacts us, chemically impacts us or what impacts the soul in a variety of ways. Should add, if you're surrounded by people who experience a downshift in the winter months, you can be feeling everyone's downshift (aka everyone bringing you down with them). While we can't blame them for how they feel, it's worth remaining conscious of feeling our self caught up in a communal shift of some type, like the one that can come with a change of season

[Rrrawr]

Hey thankyou so much for taking the time to respond. Agree trying to do things anyway has been somewhat useful. Continuing to see friends was useful for a while but lately it’s been a little hard to mask my blankness and I’m embarrassed. Seeing my nephew and spending time with my puppy have been two consistently great things. Going to work also is a decent distraction,

the tasks give me something to focus on and distract from my thoughts. As for tips from over the years, not a long relieves my symptoms, hence no asks me how I’m going anymore and most ppl in my life are telling me they don’t know what I should do. Have heard this from therapists and doctors too. Just wait it out is a hard pill to swallow when it feels like I lose a little of myself every time this happens. Ah well.

thanks again, it’s nice to hear from this community, you’re obviously making a big impact. 

❤️

[james1]

Hi Rrrawr,

I'm so sorry to hear you have been struggling so much recently. It sounds like there's a lot of problems you're fighting and I understand how this is causing you to feel really hopeless, when it seems like so little is going well.

In your recent post, you mentioned some distractions with your nephew, puppy and even just going to work. I think this is actually what really helped me when I was feeling really hopeless and similar to you about 7 years ago.

Even though distractions might not 'solve' the problem, they can help alleviate the day to day stress. I think of it kind of like a daily bucket of emotional stress. The more we encounter problems, and the more we think about problems, the more that bucket fills. When it overflows, we just feel done with the day. Some days it starts full and everything is already just wet and horrible.

But if we can have more distractions, the bucket doesn't fill as fast, and doesn't fill or overflow as often. That bucket of emotional energy then has more room to feel enjoyment in things that we once enjoyed, and also starts to have more room to work on longer term solutions.

So it may be a little counter-intuitive, but sometimes the best thing we can do is actually cut back. If all the therapies, socialising, exercising, eating right, etc. are not working, perhaps it's because that bucket is already completely full.

I hope that helps in some way. Everyone's particular circumstances are different, but I found cutting back on all the "right things to do" actually helped me overall, until I could pick them back up slowly one at a time.

James