Where to from here.

[Red_Zone]

Hello, I don't know why I am here or how I got here but I have been told to talk to someone. I have been swimming around in a sea of regret and loss for some years now dealing with each problem as it came by drinking a little more each time. I have been aware of my consumption of alcohol but my family wasn't and needless to say it all became apparent recently.

I don't know how far my issues go back but I do know when things started to get a little pear shaped. 2010 my father passed away from cancer very rapidly. I had been working shift work at a brewery for twenty years at that stage. At the end of 2011 I took a redundancy and had a knee replacement that I needed and for the next 12 months I recovered and tried to get work which drained most of our redundancy money. I did manage to get a full time job just after that. It didn't pay much but it was money coming in. It also involved heavy lifting and loading and unloading vehicles by hand. I stuck with that job for just over two years and during that time my daughter tried to take her own life which turned our family upside down. After two years my other knee decided that was enough and I had to have surgery on that one too. We decided to sell our house of 14 years on the Gold Coast as we were struggling with repayments and massive credit card debt.

We moved to Bribie Island to be near my mother as she was unwell and wasn't taking good care of herself and took our daughter with us to change the environment she was living in also. It all seemed like a plan to help everyone. After a while I started my lawnmowing business as I couldn't get a job. My wife managed to get a full time job but she had to drive an hour each way daily. After six months my daughter decided to go back to the Gold Coast where she got a full time job and also after countless visits to the doctors and hospital my mother come good too.

We were there fourteen months when I had a heart attack, we decided then to move back to the Gold Coast to be with the rest of the family and try and start again. We have been here now for six months I have managed to get a part time job at a caravan park and my wife works full time from home. My drinking has slowly escalated over this time to a point where it has cost me and my wife socially. I have a lot of regret for the decisions I made over this time. We are both in our mid 50's have no home have no money other than weekly pays and nothing to show for years of hard work. Alcohol is a great sedative.

[White_Rose]

Dear Red Zone

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. You have certainly been through the mill in the past few years. Unfortunately you still have various difficulties in your life. We are here to support you and help you along the way. Our own experiences can sometimes offer suggestions to you.

Your medical issues have caused you a great deal of distress and these need to be taken into consideration when making future plans. Sorry I seem to just be repeating your information. I am trying to pick out the current problems. May I ask how your daughter is managing? Does she live with you? You have not said if she is still causing concern to you and your wife.

It's sad that what started out with good intentions to manage the interests of all your family members has left you feeling as though there is nothing left for you. That alone is a huge burden to carry. Without making light of your financial situation, I gather you have sufficient income to serve your day to day needs/

It is hard when you have been accustomed to looking after your family to find you can no longer do so. In hindsight we can all see where we could have managed better, but that is no comfort and is not a good thing to keep doing. It leads us to despair because we cannot go back and change things. Please try to keep your thoughts and plans on the future. I know it's easy for me to say and not so easy to do. Events in my life in the past few weeks have been impinging on my thoughts and making looking ahead quite difficult.

You sound like a person who is determined to make his own way and I congratulate you for doing this. Having said that I am going to suggest you do need some assistance to get you and your family back on their feet. My suggestion is that you visit your doctor. Book a long appointment and print out your post above for the GP to read. I say this because at times it's easy to forget some of things you want to discuss. Having your "cheat sheet" handy can take away some of the tension in the appointment.

It seems it would be a good idea to talk to a professional mental health person. My GP does a great deal of this with me, discussing how I feel, what has caused me to be upset and how to look at various options without being upset (well just a bit) and making choices from the head not the heart. Or using the head to examine what the heart wants to do and how to manage this.

I am nearly at the word limit. Please think about who can best help you and write in again.

Mary

[Red_Zone]

Thank you for your caring post. My daughter is doing fairly well now she has a full time job and has been living in unit by herself for twelve months. She is about to move into a house soon with a female work friend which she seems excited about. She is still getting counselling and is managing better than she was. As for my wife and I we are fine marriage wise just a little stress financially but working hard to overcome that. I realize my drinking has become an additional concern for my wife and I have been addressing that problem since my post.

My wife has wanted me to talk to someone but I have been reluctant to sit and dump my problems onto someone who just might sit there and listen without totally understanding. I thought I would rather talk to someone who has experienced the same issues or is more in tune first get an understanding how this all works. Is that arrogant ? Is it possible we can repair each other without the involvement of a third party or medication ?

I don't really know what the future holds for us but I just want to get on with it the best way possible for everyone. My other daughter is getting married next May and that is something we are looking forward to but then again not in the financial sense. Life goes on, things will change and things will happen and we all have to deal with it. I realize my drinking isn't helping shape our future and I have cut back significantly help that.

Please let me know if I am barking up the wrong tree here.

Larry

[check-in_chick]

Hi Larry,

this is a great place to share your challenges with people that have had similar experiences and to hear what has helped them towards recovery. In addition however and in my experience, professional help is essential. A psychologists, GP, psychiatrist or other therapist probably hasn't been through exactly what you have, but they are trained to listen, be nonjudgmental, and to help you cope with the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing. They can help you learn to rely less on alcohol and help you with your family relationships. In Sydney, NSW health offers community Drug and alcohol services that are free and no referral is required. I was able to see an excellent psychologist with a specialty in that area on and ongoing basis. Maybe worth checking if there is something similar in your area. It sounds like you have a very supportive wife and it also sounds like you are doing your best in difficult circumstances. Don't beat yourself up if you feel like you're not coping. It's ok to ask for help and you have taken the first step.

Ros

[White_Rose]

Hello Larry

Thank you for your reply. You are right, we can help each other, especially when we have similar problems. Yours appears to be alcohol but really it's any addiction that drags us down.

There is a thread on the Staying Well forum called Battling the Booze, which was started by Kazzl, one of our Community Champions. Kaz has had her battle with alcohol and understands where people are coming from. If I may suggest, have a look at this thread and join in the conversation. I will ask Kaz to keep an eye out for your posts. It's a good thread to read, although it is very long. Read a few of the later posts and then add your ten cents.

Keep this thread going if you wish. We are happy to accommodate your preferred way. Or keep both posts going.

I believe we can help each other a great deal. For me it depends on the problem whether or not you get professional help. For alcohol addiction there is the AA groups. I'm not sure how they work but Kaz can tell you that. I will also tap Geoff and ask him to drop by here and give you the benefit of his experience. I think it is worthwhile giving it a go on your own if you have some solid help and support from your family. No reason to suppose you will need to see a professional mental health worker.

I see Ros (check-in chick) has given you a positive reply, so already your circle is starting to form round you. Alcohol is not my problem. I have been depressed for some time and received another blow a few weeks ago with the loss of someone dear to me. It's when we talk to our friends and they listen that we start to regain our strength. Fortunately I have friends around me and I expect I will get through this dark period.

So pleased your daughter is doing well. Isn't it great when we see our babies grow up and make their way successfully in the world. I know your daughter didn't start well, but life is a journey and she seems to have found a good path. This week is mental health week. Well until the end of today. I went to a mental health week service in my cathedral. The main speaker talked about life journeys and those who accompanied us along the way. I would love to put it on BB but I would need a special dispensation to do so.

Continue to walk your new road knowing you have lots of support here and in your family.

Mary

[geoff]

hi Larry, there is some great determination by you, you may not realise but looking on that's what I can see, where you get bumped down only to find your feet and bounce back up again, so that's great even though you had alcohol problems.
I used alcohol myself to self medicate but when I got bumped down for the last time I was incapable of getting back up for several years and it was one reason why my ex divorced me.
After I attempted to take my life my ex and I sat down with a doctor and all he said was 'that your wife will eventually leave you' he was very critical of me and took no sympathy, but that was him, other doctors and psychologists are much more gentle because they know that I was drinking for a reason, now living by myself I only drink socially, but people can't do that because one drink leads onto many more and they can't stop and that's when they should say no, that's in hindsight and not necessarily refering to you.
If you decide to seek treatment and the counsellor does become too strong in what they tell you, then this will automatically turn you off, and either tell them or if you want find someone else.
There is a lot of information on 'Battling the Booze' which I hope you will find interesting. Geoff.

[Kazzl]

Hi Larry, Kaz here. I see Geoff and Mary have mentioned the Battling the booze thread and I just wanted to say you are very welcome to join us there.

If you have a read from the start you'll find some posts with good tips on how to quit or cut down. We have a number of great people here who have been through it and come out the other side. I'm now five and a half years sober and much better able to manage my mental health issues than when I was drinking.

I hope to see you there mate.

Kaz