When depression isn't the illness, it's just life ?

[Guest_1584]

Hi BB.

l hope a separate thread for this topic is ok as it is a big topic and if anyone else would like or need to talk about their situation to and how they're handling things or anything at all please feel free.

ldk where to begin but l suppose this time it really starts from my divorce about 9yrs ago. l've never really had as far as l know the actually illness of depression, it's usually been from a life period itself. l did try meds yrs ago but didn't like them. And at this stage, it is again just life itself. After divorce l wanted to be alone and work through things 4yrs or so but later l started trying to feel like life again.l started getting back into my few hobbies, and walked or jogged and getting out and about.Later managed to buy this house to stay close to my daughter and l met gf l've been with last over 3yrs now.lt's been mostly beautiful earlier, a few bumps but they ironed out. Later some serious legal drama she'd had got worse and she had to go interstate up home for them and we've been apart mostly16mths since. Future us wise, not so sure right now as she still has ongoing problems needs another 6mths and also depression and anxiety herself.

Well these days l just work on the house and outside a bit which l enjoy usually, forced right now though like everything. Do 1 or 2 hobbies, forced, get out most days to somewhere that l do like, l like driving my car and just getting out and about, but tbh, l don't feel like doing anything else,usually in bed very early, just pc ,too much, use to love movies but don't feel like them or tv. Still don't have any friends here, 5yrs, although l can't be bothered with many people one or two would be nice. Haven't worked at all this yr yet but l'll probably be going back for a few mths soon. l have a simple at home business not great money but covers house repayments and living, save a little bit. Great hrs though when l do work and leaves me lots of time which l like.

Things is, later side of mid 50s now, gf and l looking pretty unlikely, the rest, this is just not where l pictured being and tbh, l just don't feel like doing anything, bed 24 7 would suit me right now no problem. About the only thing l do enjoy unforced is seeing my d or getting out for a drive about. l am depressed, l hate where l'm at in life and l wouldn't have believed it 10yrs ago, with zero interest or mojo for anything really, just feel sad.

rx

[geoff]

Hello RX, a good question, and yes if I was more able to get around and didn't need a walker then I'd join my son, who has kept on asking me, to go fishing.

I also bought a full set of golf sticks years ago which I've never used, unfortunately, and this won't change, all because of an assault that's done the damage.

Thanks my friend.

Geoff.

[Guest_1584]

Sorry to hear that Geoff.

Maybe the fishing is doable mate. l've only tried golf once and my brothers were rolling around laughing every time l took a shot, all in a bit of fun.

Take care.

[CMF]

Hey rx

Just wondering how you're doing?

Cmf

[Guest_1584]

Thanks for that cm , short run down on my other thread, not much happening.

How you doin, actually l'll drop in and see haha.

00. rx

[therising]

Hi randomx

I greatly admire your incredible self discipline, something I'm seriously lacking. If you don't mind me asking, what led you to develop it? As you mention, having your own business is a major influence. I imagine you don't just thrive on money but also results. Are you a results person? Do you thrive on feeling a sense of achievement? Personally, if I can't see results straight away I tend to lose self discipline. How do you manage to retain self discipline when the plan is more so a long term one? Do you break things down into kind of like stepping stones? A lot of questions yet I can't help but wonder how you manage self discipline. Was never really taught how to manage this so am looking to learn from an expert.

Can relate to forcing things, to some degree. When feeling down or depressed, can sometimes be a matter of doing anything other that what leads to that feeling. Being one of those mind/body/spirit gals, I look at it from 3 different perspectives. Mentally, change can lead to healthier internal dialogue. For example, if the choice is between staying at home or going for a drive, if you stay at home the dialogue can sound a little like 'I'm hopeless and useless. I can't even get out of the house'. When going out, it can become about hearing that internal dialogue dictate 'At least you got out of the house. You should be proud of yourself. Takes a lot of effort to get out when you don't feel like doing that. You're a legend. It's a small step but at least it's a step in the right direction'. Physically, it's a matter of chemistry and biology. Every achievement triggers a hit of dopamine, just to name one of the many chemical influences. Biologically, we're designed to thrive on wellness. We're not designed to live with long term dis-ease/unease. Naturally, most of us a born 'feelers'. We'll feel our energy levels, experiences, internal dialogue, imagination, lacking (such as with a lack of energy or the lack of inspiring and/or enlightening people we need to help us navigate the darker parts of our path in life). The list goes on in regard to our ability to feel our way through life.

Have found the tricky part when it comes to depression is...what may work in some cases won't work in all cases. At 51, I sometimes think 'Will I spend the rest of my life having to find new ways to manage?'. The short answer, 'Yes'. Can be seriously tough, exhausting and mind altering work, this life business. It develops us whether we like it or not.

[Guest_1584]

Hi rising.

Thanks for the detail and thoughts , but ahhhh, don't know about incredible sd, enough to keep moving when l have to is about it.

Work's huge though 30yrs of being my own boss the only way you get anything pay anything or bills or get anywhere is to just do it. So l often call life my boss bc it kicks my bum to keep moving. So that's one angle work wise but l like what l do to and often look forward to starting new jobs but it's often also my escape from thoughts worries or depression to, that chatter you talk about, it takes me away. l also love traveling across state to pick up a new job love the trips, most of them anyway so that's a thing also. But l do often get bored with the jobs near the end and now finishing one if l get like that, that is shear discipline for sure, but also when life kicks in to bc if it isn't finished l don't get payed. So nah it's not money as such but def' money to pay bills what l need and hopefully save a little to nonetheless.

My gf says to l have a lot of energy to but l dunno, l can couch for wks but at other times l just feel like doing things so might be doing a lot for a wk or two, then crash. During depression though l sometimes do try to push myself, force it, hoping it lifts me or distracts, or improve thoughts or serves some sort of satisfaction, or just make me feel good. And yes of course, inside and out which all leads to mind heart soul and spirit , and maybe even some temp happiness to hey.

ldk about you though but when it comes to having to force it l do know. l've never been a forcer it's just something l'm trying last few yrs, l'm not sure if l like or if it helps, there's catches. l use to just avoid and stall, until l either just couldn't any longer or simply just got past it and fire returned. TBH, l think that works better for me than forcing if l have a choice.There are things though like say kayaking, l know the water will fix me if l just make the effort to get there, driving-same, getting out into the yards and sun, stuff.

l often argue with myself about pushing or forcing bc sometimes life and l have worked just fine if l just be still instead and l it's also good for us in all those ways , to just be still , or to not feel like it , or to just let go for awhile and stop , l know l def; need it.

l agree with you though and daresay l'll keep wrestling with it all, or maybe l;ll just revert back to being lazy and still when l can for as long as it takes.

rx

[therising]

Hi randomx

I like the idea of life being the boss. If it wants things managed, you have to manage them or else there are consequences. I really do like 'Life is the boss'. I'll write it down and stick it on the fridge. It's a very constructive and revealing mantra. I think it's a tough boss at times, in a way, dictating 'I'll give you general guidelines on how to work for me but you'll need to work out all the finer details for yourself, on how things tick'. It's about learning on the job.

Energy's an interesting one. We gotta generate it to feel it, which can be tough when you feel you don't have the energy to generate more of it. I can relate to the lazing periods and need to get out of them as they seem to be happening more and more these days. Seeing I find a serious lack of energy depressing, if it gets bad enough, that's something that definitely needs to be managed. Of course, it's good to kick back in a state of exhaustion, for a recharge, but to know how long that recharge is meant to go for...well...that fine line's not always clear. Was thinking just recently how maybe I need to go back to what works best. When I had loads of energy, I'd hit about the month or 2 month mark and then eat for half a day before sleeping for the remainder of that day and almost the whole of the next day. Bamm, I'd be back on board for weeks after that. Maybe it was some kind of hibernation supercharge thing. Not sure. While going out to work part time, doing mum things, running a household and finding time to enjoy life, it's a matter of finding/creating the time for the hibernation period.

I get your love of kayaking. It's a truly beautiful experience, to be on the water where everything's quiet and you can feel the sun on your face while listening to the sound of the water doing it's thing as you glide therapeutically to wherever you wish to venture. It really is a form or natural therapy. I fell in love with it thanks to the wisdom of my son. When he asked me to first go, I said 'No, that's just not me'. He questioned 'How do you know it's not you if you've never experienced it?'. He had a point. I gave it a go, partly out of wonder and partly out of the fact I wouldn't let my then 14yo son go out on his own. So glad I did it. Kids are so wise.

I imagine my boss (life) saying 'You gotta feel your way through this business. Trust what feels right, what feels profitable in the way of your evolution, what feels like the right soulful investment etc'.

[Guest_1584]

Hi rising.

This talk's doing me good right now so thanks for that hope it helps you in some ways to. l've been such a mess lately mentally in all this all over again, trying re'find find my level.Spent the first 4mths this yr couching or in bed with just nothing. l was gonna try not working this yr but l just got worse and so just this last mth pr so actually l've tryed to fire again. The boss has other ideas to now anyway and l need a pay check haha so l'll probably get a new job going again soon now. l'm missing the refuge anyway anyway so looking forward getting back to it awhile.

Life as a boss is a funny one we have a line in the sand. lt's like ok, it's a guide and l'll allow the essentials bc you keep me moving, but that's it. Your not pushing me about or making me live this so 21st century typical crazy busy busy busy madness that people live these days, l won't live like that. So we kinda have an agreement haha.

Beautiful he got you out on the water, how cool. Wish my daughter was into it she really needs something like that and it'd be so nice for us. She use to try it a bit but lately admits she's just not into it. But we do go long walks around the lake and beach or day trips up to the mountains now and then.

But yeah exactly, trying to live again brings energy again, this is why l'm trying again. Even this yr the first 4mths were couching and bed, then it was a nice morning so l dragged myself outside and ripped down the front fence. l'm very rpivate so no fence should make me finally start the new fence, been stalling 3yrs. But there ya go l ended up out there for 2wks from that. l started pruning wild trees, then moving stuff and digging then tidying this and that and on it just went, felt so good. So 6wks now l've been moving again, can't believe it really. Only mths ago l didn't think l could, just didn't have the mojo , but the fence brought it back, for now anyway and l've been doing all kinds of stuff and getting out, driving and places. Haven't started the new fence yet haha, typical, but no privacy is killing me so there's no choice now and l'll get to it, or stay inside haha.

Hibernation ahhhh, we're good friends to it's always been an essential for me l've spent yrs all toll in hibernation periods haha. Even with my job l usually finish a job and then hibernate a few mths to. But l also live lots of short ones, a few days or a wk or 2, try to make sure l've go everything so l won't need to go out, lock the gates and couch

[Guest_1584]

l feel at a total loss.

life , and which way to turn. l feel l've taken all the turns and many more than most ever will. lt's like here again, at this age and after all the opportunities and offerings l've been so lucky to have through life , l truly must be the master of nowhere.

l feel disgusted that l'm where l'm at and tbh , ashamed of it around my daughter to. At least her mum is remarried and stable, l'm not sure what her relationships like , or how happy life is. She hates where she lives l know that much but we don't talk personal lives just parenting and light chat and that's it. l'd rather not. l don't know what my daughter thinks of it either because we don't talk about ex's life at all either. But from here , it looks like she's at least stable and remarried and living life. l don't feel any of that.

l could've remarried twice since divorce, like l've said so many offerings through life. TBH , l think l messed it up both times really, should l have just gone with the incredible things that came my way, either time. The first girl was brilliant and we hit it of incredibly, l'd actually thought life must've happened just so that we'd finally meet. But there were also big issues to and in the end l just didn't think it'd work and broke it of. l still don't know if l did the right thing especially given the way things have worked out since, maybe l should've done more. Wellll, then l met gf now also an incredible lady and within mths she was all go. She could've moved in but l was all cautious and l wanted to wait a yr or two, just see ea other. Kater on her court drams came up, she could've handled them from down at my place and we could've been together right through. lt was either l commit to that or she went back up to her city and stay at that stage to see them through there. All this time we've been apart, if not for me we could've been together. l've only seen her 3 or 4times in 18mths but now she needs more time as things have happened there, nother story. We just don't know anymore because of all that and we're having a break atm.

And soooo, here l am. l've also been supposedly selling this house last few yrs and moving, there's been hold ups. Gf and l were gonna finish it of and choose a new spot but now that's looking doubtful too. The thought of doing it all alone at this stage makes me sick, yet self inflicted. But if l am alone then staying here will just cement that l feel, there's just not enough for me in this town alone.

rx

[CMF]

Hi rx,

You haven't messed anything up. There is no rule that says you must re marry. Funny how we think we've failed if we don't meet another after divorce. If things didn't feel right to commit at the time then you did the right thing. You weren't to know it would work out like this. Have you thought of selling and moving now & starting afresh? I know you don't want to do it alone but maybe it's time to do something for you. Move where there's more life & see what it brings you?

Cmf