What is this that I am feeling?

[Sam85]

Im very new here and not sure where to start. My usual personality is sarcastic, funny, silly, happy, hardworking and social. Im married to a wonderful man of 10 years and have two daughters.

I'm not sure what happened but on Boxing day 2014 I just remember something changing. We were away visiting family interstate and I went from wanting to be there to demanding that we had to go home. I didn't want to be there anymore and felt miserable. I ended up spending the reminder of the holiday in my room either asleep, crying or angry. 

This was the start. Its now February and nothing has changed. Things I once loved I have lost interest in. I feel so completely and utterly overwhelmed with my responsibilities as a mother and a wife. I feel as though one little thing has to go wrong and it will fester in my head and will make me feel nuts. I am restless at night and have a lot of trouble sleeping. I cry randomly for reasons I cant even verbalize and have withdrawn completely from social situations. Coming up with any excuse to avoid interaction. I get get so nervous about new situations that I make myself feel ill. I have no support from anywhere with my children and am so unappreciated in my life that I feel nothing but resentment towards others. I want to go to bed and do nothing everyday. I used to be able to get up at 5am everyday and go work out. Now its an effort every day to do anything. 

I have a husband, two daughters, loving family and a best friend. Not one of these people has picked up on any of this as I feel I can still hide this well. Husband does night shift and isn't home much to see and everyone else is so wrapped up in their own problems no one can see me crashing slowly. 

Im not sure if what I have is depression or if Im just sad. But I need to talk to someone and no one in my circle is ready to hear this. Im scared to go to my GP. I dont want to go and have him tell me its all in my head.

[White_Rose]

Hello Sam

Welcome to Beyond Blue. This is a community of caring and sharing people, all with mental health issues. We know how it feels and over time we learn how to deal with it. So I am going to make a few suggestions to you.

First of all, I am not a doctor so I cannot diagnose your illness. But having said that I suspect very much that you are indeed depressed. You sound far more than sad and it has certainly lasted for a significant time. These are two reliable indicators of depression.

If you go to the home page you will find the heading How Can We Help You. Underneath are the topics Learn About Depression and Take A 1 Minute Checklist. I suggest you do the checklist then click on the learn about depression and browse the information there. Beyond Blue will send you any of the information you want.

There is also information for family and friends which will be useful to give your husband and possibly your children if they are old enough to understand.  You need support at this time so try to tell your husband what is happening.

I expect you have been busy wearing a mask so that no one will suspect you have a problem. Wanting to go home when you were on holiday and staying in bed all day, or wanting to do so, are classic symptoms. My family had no idea anything was wrong until I tried to take my life. It was a dreadful shock to them. I don't suppose you feel that bad, but please get help before you do get worse.

Make an appointment to see your doctor ASAP. If you feel he will be unsympathetic then go elsewhere. Come to that shortly. It is really unlikely your GP will dismiss you without a thorough investigation. Most GPs are up to speed with depression. And for the record, it is all in your head. Your brain is trying to tell you all sorts of of rubbish about how silly you are, lazy, unworthy. I'm sure you can add to the list. This is what depression does.

Antidepressants can help rebalance your brain chemistry and some therapy from your GP or a psychologist will help manage your life successfully. You did it before and you will again. Don't be scared by seeing a psychologist.

Now the doctor. If you do not trust your GP for some reason that's OK. Beyond Blue has a list of GPs with experience in managing mental health issues. Click on The Facts at the top of the page, then Who Can Assist. Follow the links to GPs. There's a searchable by postcode list so you can find another GP. You may like your husband to go to the doctor with you.

Please write in again.

Mary