Sick of the Black Clouds

[Fritz_Montgomery]

Hi - new to the forum today. One of those days that just is worse than usual.

Just feel the need to talk to someone - have suffered for many years - still on medication  given up on seeing a counsellor as over the years have done so -  on and off - just seemed to make no difference and in the end felt like they only cared if you keep coming back and paying your fee.

Some days it would be nice if those around you just took the time to say - How are you? and actually showed some compassion.

Feel very alone and pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I can not be helped and my life will always be with black clouds hovering over me

Sorry to put this out there - but just needed an outlet to try and get though the rest of the day

[White_Rose]

Dear FM

Hope you are OK with the abbreviation. Saves characters. Welcome to Beyond Blue. Thanks for your story. I am so sad that you are stuck in this dark place.

I would love to know more about you. Are you working? What hobbies or interests do you have? Do you like watching films or particular TV programs?

I went to see the film Wild a short while ago. I found it quite inspirational. The true story of a woman walking a particular mountain trail in America to find herself. For me it was a metaphor for my own journey. The big difference is that I am still travelling.

Depression is not nice to have. It really plays tricks with our minds and takes over our thoughts and actions. It sounds as though you have been fooled into believing you can never get well. Well I felt the same. You should hear the things I called myself. I won't repeat them because I am sure you have said the same things to yourself.

Good days, bad days; they all blend into one miasma of hopelessness. So how do we disperse the gloom. No idea really.  I talk to my GP regularly. I seem to have got onto an antidepressant that suits me and allows my mind to think more clearly. If you have not had a medication review for a while it may help to talk to your doctor about it.  Even the most compatible drug seems to lose it's pep after a while and you know what they say about change.

Did you see a psychologist in the past? Why not try again? Ask your doc to refer you to someone who has an excellent reputation. I agree that some psychologists and psychiatrists seem to think of fees only. So if you are dissatisfied, try another. There is bound to be someone who is good for you.

Having said that you need to contribute to the conversation as well. Psychs, sadly, do not have a magical power to cure us. I wish. You do need to work hard to get well. I found myself kicking and screaming, metaphorically of course, about the work.  "I can't do it, It's too hard, you do it for me, it won't work."  And of course nothing will work unless you work at it.

So these are my thoughts and experience. I hope they are helpful. Please write in again as I would like to know how you are travelling.

Mary

[Lisa_B]

Hi Fritz,

Thank you for posting. I am also very depressed and feeling very alone. I have been on medication for almost ten years. I have had may episodes over this time but at the moment i have been feeling so down i felt i can't look after my self let alone my son so he is with his dad has been staying with his dad. I haven't left the house for days. My days are long and dark I can't seem to make my brain work with my body.

I feel your pain and thank you for posting. I have been reading post after post looking for some answers. I have started to write my own post on many occasions only to delete them again. After reading your post i feel safe enough to send a reply so thank you. I have got so much going on in my mind and need to let it out. 

[alexx1202]

Ever tried support groups?

BB found a free one for me.

You'll meet some weird folk but it'll help ease the loneliness and isolation a bit.

[Fritz_Montgomery]

Thank's Mary - appreciate your advice and will take it on board

[Fritz_Montgomery]

Lisa - that was my first post and I am pleased it gave you the courage to post for the first time

[02bme]

Hi FM,

I to have been in your situation for many years and congrats to you for share. Have to questions for you .....

If your life was different "what do you see yourself doing? And how are you feeling?

[02bme]

Morning LB,

Congratulations for taking the first step and sharing. It is so hard. I have lived with depression since I was in my teens (now 45). My worst was when the kids were younger. Please keep sharing because the more you write/talk/share, the less food the mind gets to feed on. 

[Lisa_B]

Good Morning to you both and thank you for replying!

I have just dragged myself out of bed, I'm going to push myself today to at least do some chores around the house today. 

[Fritz_Montgomery]

Mary - to answer your questions;

Yes - I try to work full time. I am a Partner in a Professional Practice and struggle to be anywhere near full capacity.

My interests are the real football (soccer) I follow the EPL and A Leagues

My favourite TV shows - well I am a Seinfield tragic and often relate every day life events back to George Costanza. I enjoy watching Big Bang with my children and have recently taken a liking to The Sopranos.

My biggest issue is that I find it difficult to open up to anyone - even my GP - I avoid going to him until I need a script and never follow up on his blood test referrals etc. I live my life in a "Duck suit" pretending to everyone that I am OK and more often than not I am far from OK.

I will take on board your suggestions and see if I can bring myself to see my GP sooner rather than later and be totally honest with him

Thanks for giving me somewhere to express my feelings