WANTING TO FINALLY VENT MY TRUE SITUATION

[JJ1981]

Well…I may be 43 years old. I’m supposed to be enjoying the best years of my life, living on my own terms, getting respect from people.

But, I happen to be one of those people who keep “falling through the cracks” in Australia (as the Aussie patriots would say - Happy Australia Day, by the way!). But if you understand my story (and it’s a long one), you would appreciate that it’s really a matter of having cracks made in front of me then being pushed through them! A lot of cracks…

Despite me being quite smart, hard working and competent, I ended up in a profession that is thankless, should have paid me better, should have gotten a lot more respect and is now infested with backstabbers as my colleagues. I became burned out and started to veer away from full time commitments because of this lack of social, professional and financial respect.

I wanted to start a new life in a new city. Although I was very grateful to have been there, I did not improve my income, make any real friends or find love. I did not get any increase in credibility in myself as a person, man, and future protector and provider. I had to resettle back in my old city (of which I despise so much because of the arrogance of its people there). Even that was not enough to stop my family from barraging me with criticisms about how weak, ungrateful and disloyal I was by wanting to move away from the people in my old city. My mother told me that this arrogance “happens everywhere”, is normal and is not allowed to be countered against - as a matter of being “nice and respectful”. And that I was “ABANDONING” them, which was never true!

Being nice and respectful to a people in an Australian state costing me 12 years of my adult life, a $70,000 HECS debt (that would probably never get paid off), left me without any genuine social connections, no true financial security AND destroyed any credibility I have had with the people I care about?!?!?!

I had another argument with her after so many. I now swear to myself that this will be the LAST argument because I am sick and tired of being scared of how she will react. My late father being a kind of enforcer for her didn’t make things any easier (even though he probably knew I was right - but don’t contradict the wife, if you want her to stay loyal!)

I’m thinking about splitting my time between my old and new city, but my mother wanted me to STAY BACK because I’m basically seen as a loser! And I’m looking at even more criticism from my family!

Despite me seeing one of the best psychiatrists in Australia, being on two separate mental health medications and being a patient in two mental hospitals, this is the legacy of which I am really trying to shake off but don’t think I can ever recover from. Me having a recent broken leg didn’t make things any better - I never want it to happen again. On top of all health problems related to my psychological stress ranging from obesity (of which I worked really hard to drop) to sleep apnoea, to depression and reactive anxiety, to testosterone deficiency.

And, if that was not enough, I did not that there were some occasions when (sigh) some minor suicidal thoughts “tried” to enter my head. That had me REALLY scared! I’m crying just typing the last sentence. There is no way that I would think about committing it, but people are really trying to make it look that I have to attempt it before people start actually taking me seriously!

I am feeling well and truly stuck, alone and scared. And, I feel that I will get into so much trouble, whether I step with my right foot or my left! Me not having anyone to talk to or help me out makes it even harder still. I honestly don’t know how I managed to hold out so well for so long in my life!

The only remedy in my life is, really, to make dramatic, rapid and genuine progress in what I want to do with my life, everything from making constant decent money (as in six figures with the inflation happening here) to setting up my own family. But, I feel that any window of opportunity left to set things right is shrinking much faster than I want it to.

So sorry to be a burden to anyone trying to read and analyse this, but I don’t know where else to express myself right now.

[therising]

Hi JJ1981

I feel for you so much as you unpack so much in your life, while trying to make sense of how it all led you to where you are. To say that unpacking things is tough would have to be an understatement at times, probably because such a process can come with so many mixed emotions. Sometimes it's the emotions, more than anything, that can test us in such an enormous variety of ways.

Some people's beliefs...hmmm...what can you say but they can do a lot of damage at times. On the flip side, other people's beliefs can be truly inspirational. The beliefs that are conditioned into us can create a kind of hell on earth or a heaven on earth. The belief that you are disloyal, one among many damaging beliefs, obviously made your life incredibly challenging in a lot of ways. Doing a deep dive into the true impact of beliefs can produce some fascinating and unexpected revelations. One of those revelations helped open my mind...

While I believe many of us are born to be visionaries, thanks to our imagination, other people's beliefs can influence how we exercise and develop our imagination and what we see (including our future). If you were led to see the need to leave your home town, life would have appeared very different in your mind. If you were led to clearly see all your abilities, you'd have plenty of inspiring images to reference regarding your abilities and the most positive ways forward. Sometimes the question can be 'How can I learn to see differently or in new ways?'. Finding the right visionaries definitely makes a difference. Btw, if we're a sensitive enough person, we'll be able to sense who are the right visionaries and who are the wrong ones. For example, if you ask your mum what her vision for you is and what she sees for you feels deeply depressing to you, she's definitely not your 'go to' seer. On the other hand, if you were to reference someone else's vision for you and that leads you to see every step it will take for you to get to where you wish to go, you'll feel them as not only your 'go to' seer but also your best guide who will be able to show you who you're going to be.

Btw, my 60yo brother is an incredible seer and someone I go to (as his 54yo little sister) when I'm completely 'blind'. When everything is dark or unclear, he leads me to see the best way forward and/or what is lacking in my life that's leading me to suffer in certain ways. While being an incredible visionary, one thing he never saw coming in his own life was becoming a father for the first time at 56. While a planned pregnancy and no surprise, it involved an incredibly tough decision to begin with, based on his age. His idea of 'better late than never' regarding fatherhood has led to 4 of the best years of his life so far. While all may appear hopeless at times, we just never know what gifts the future holds down the track for us. Sometimes is pays to find people who can see for us.

[JJ1981]

Thanks for your input.

A good seer would be great. But, I don't really have anyone I have as a good seer. Maybe my Dad, but he passed away. And, I don't want to burden anyone with the expectation of replacing me as my own seer.

[therising]

Hi JJ1981

My heart goes out to you regarding your dad and his passing. It's one thing to lose someone we love, it's another thing when that person was one of our greatest guides. While that person is irreplaceable, it remains important to establish new guides so that we're not living the rest of our life without guidance and a much needed sense of direction at times.

I actually like to challenge my kids on occasion, my 19yo son and 22yo daughter. Through practice, they've actually become pretty good at gaining a vision of what I can be struggling with at times and what I need to be doing in order to change things. They enjoy the challenge. People who love to wonder, go into their imagination, meditate on what they see or hear (what naturally comes to mind) typically enjoy doing this. So it doesn't have to be a burden. It can be something people come to enjoy doing for us on occasion. I'm lucky to have a couple of intuitive kids who love exercising these parts of themself, while making a positive difference to others at the same time.

I'm wondering whether there's anyone in your life who has a good imagination but has never exercised it in the way of guidance for others. If you know anyone who's a bit of a daydreamer and can enter into their imagination pretty easily, chances are that if you ask them what they see for you in there they may be able to tell you. It would be a test of their ability. They may even be surprised themself with the result.