How to support someone who doesn’t believe in support?

[Jess8078]

Hi! thank you for reading! 

sorry for generalising, but what do men do to feel better which is not simultaneously bad for your health (like drinking alcohol)? 

my husband doesn’t believe in meditation, taking a breath, going for a walk or talking to professionals. (These are things I would do if feeling blue). I have told him to take “me” time. He took a long time off work (2yrs) which I supported to reduce his stress levels, but it honestly didn’t help much. I was working full time, and was still more relaxed than him. The only time I see him fully relaxed is with a beer in his hand. Or out fishing (but that requires organisation and good weather…). 

any advice on how I can help him would be great. (And don’t say intimacy, well aware of that one and doing my best). 

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

I'd like to welcome you here to the forum, it may give you some other perspectives, I do hope so.

I'm afraid there might be a bit of your circumstances you might care to explain more. I don't wish too seem like I'm jumping to conclusions however you have not said what the basic problem is with your husband, though you do imply he feels blue and needs support.

On the face of it you appear to be all the heavy lifting in your relationship, going to work full time while he does not work, trying to make him happy any way you can, yet it is not pleasure in your company so much as alcohol and fishing that he seems to enjoy.

It may well be that some men do not seek help for mental health issues than some women, there is a long history of males feeling they have to be be stoic and are also perhaps less likley to want to talk.

Would you care to say what leads you to believe he needs support? Without some idea it's a bit difficult ot answer your question.

I look forward to talking more

Croix

[therising]

Hi Jess8078

With me being a 54yo female, I'm trying to think of how the males in my life (of all different ages) have managed and still manage their mental health. Based on a variety of different circumstances, some which have been deeply depressing and/or incredibly stressful at times in their life, there have been many different ways.

Some have managed through no choice but to eventually seek a mental health professional, based on overwhelming challenges which they just couldn't manage without that kind of guidance. Some have managed through the 'tough love' approach from deeply loving people in their life. This one involves a bit of a dictator or army commander zero tolerance form of guidance that can help create much needed structure in life while also helping them develop self discipline. At other times a more gentle form of love has been the right approach. Sometimes it's been about talking things out with friends or family who can help make better sense of things and sometimes it's involved working things out physically (working stress out at the gym, for example). Sometimes it's involved people in their life being able to override really challenging inner dialogue and sometimes it's involved some chemical assistance (meds) which have helped them manage intensely challenging periods. The list of ways goes on. One thing all these guys would agree with and that is drinking doesn't help long term. While it appears to help, what it really does is numb emotions and put off the inevitable which involves facing the need to find constructive ways of managing. Being an ex emotional drinker myself, I found there was never any need to develop skills, abilities, strategies etc while alcohol offered an escape. In other words, self development isn't achieved through drinking.

I actually took about 15 months off work myself and returned from this break about 6 months ago. The time off was about reducing stress/anxiety and some degree of depression that came with an overwhelming number of challenges in my life that were leading me to breaking point. In hindsight, I wished I'd managed that time differently in some ways. While it began as a way of reducing challenges (in order to cope), it eventually became about avoiding challenges. There is no self development through a lack of challenge. While I began by enjoying the benefits of not having to manage so much, I found I eventually lost a large degree of structure. Juggling a number of things forces us to develop structured timelines to work with. While I left my workmates behind me during that time, I eventually found a lack of a variety of people in my life became an issue. And while my job offered me a sense of achievement, once the challenges I'd taken time off to manage gradually reduced in number I found myself experiencing a depressing lack of achievement. Not good for dopamine production.

One of the best pieces of advice was given to me by my brother. He mentioned the importance of setting goals. To sum it up, without goals to work towards we're either drifting aimlessly or standing still going nowhere. If the goal for your husband doesn't involve meditation, guidance counseling, relaxed walks in nature or any of the things that can make a positive difference, what are his goals when it comes to self development? Even if the basic short term goal each day is to get up in the morning at a reasonable time and eat breakfast (which involves time management, nutrition/energy production and a sense of achievement), it's a simple start toward developing the long term goal of solid structure and more balanced energy. Without imagined goals, there is nothing to look forward to. Sometimes the challenge can involve the need to develop the seer or visionary in us which can lead us to imagine things differently.