Want to help but can't

[mini75]

I currently help out by taking our neighbours child to school in the mornings along with my child. In recent times I have also been asked to take this child extra early. Some days have been ok and other days have not helped me out mentally. If I am struggling a few days in a row, the responsibility with an extra child puts me out.

I feel the requests for looking after this child in the early morning before school is becoming more frequent too.

How do I decline helping out without having to explain myself. I already take my child to school, so I feel the only way I can explain is to tell them about my struggles with my mind. I do not want to do this because this will leave me feeling vulnerable and looked upon as weak. I do not want to be treated differently and fell I will if people know. I am not ready for everyone to know. Only my husband knows and is always there for me and that's enough for now.

mini75 

[white knight]

Hi Mini75,  welcome here.

There is clear difference of opinions here among us as to whether we should air our illness among others.  Some say they do, other dont agree. So it is indeed subjective. Neither is wrong.

However my view is to be cautious in telling others unless they are really close friends and they must have the endurance and supportive attitude to not allow the subject to one day become a burden between you both. Society has a few decades to go before peoples attitudes will be on the same wave of compassion and understanding as the flu, broken limbs and crook backs. So be careful.

You do not need nor have to justify your reason for no longer wanting this child to become a daily 'extra child'. We all know that our conditions need only a small extra burden to tip us over the edge.

If in doubt take the direct approach. When she comes to drop her child off say to her "I'm sorry Susan but I am unable to take your child anymore. It is a small request from me that you find someone else to help you out"  If she asks why you can say "sorry its personal...I'm sure you understand".

One day she might become a very good friend then you can tell her your reason and she will understand. Otherwise, it really is none of her business.  But you should also understand that with her not knowing your condition she is none the wiser and she would be thinking her child is not causing any effect on you.

Good luck and take care.

[AGrace]

Hi mini75,

Welcome. 

I wanted to start by saying well done for taking the extra responsibility in the first place. I guess for me, assertiveness is all about finding a way to get our needs met. There's also lots of possible solutions to one problem. 

There's a couple of things you could say, and of course White Knight has also given you an alternate suggestion. 

1. Im finding it a bit much taking both children to school each morning,  especially when some mornings your child needs to leave early.  I was just wondering what other solutions there might be?

2. Id like to find an alternative solution for getting ... to school in the morning. I wont be able to do this as of next week.

3. Can you find another way for ... to get to school in the mornings starting from next term as there have been some changes to my schedule. 

4. Get your husband to tell the neighbours that due to some changes in both of your schedules you won't be able to take ... to scholl as of next term. 

You certainly get to choose who knows about your troubles. Its good to hear your husband knows, and is supportive. Are you also getting some professional support? 

AGrace

[mini75]

Thanks for the suggestions White Night and AGrace,

You both have been very supportive with your suggestions. I guess there are many different ways I can decline this commitment without hurting there feelings or exposing mine.

I hide my inner thoughts quite well by hiding from the world most of the time. Then I get anxious if I am ever confronted with a situation that makes me feel I need to explain myself.  

No I do not see a professional anymore. I did for awhile and felt that it did help talking to someone but let the visits drop off. I now realise that I need to keep going, even if it is once a month.

I will keep posting and reading on the BB forums and this is helping.

Thanks, Mini75

[Neil_1]

Hi there Mini

I’d just like to pop in and say Welcome to Beyond Blue also.

It’s great that both White Knight and Amber have assisted you with your post.   I hope you feel a little more at ease with how you’re going to approach this.  Remember, your health is the main consideration here and it’s been really great to read of this – in that, you were recognising things within yourself that were causing you to be heading in a downhill fashion.  Not everyone is able to pick up on these symptoms so soon, so well done to you.

I’m very pleased also to read that you feel like you may hang around here with us – I really believe that everyone who posts here should do this.  Just be reading, you do pick up extra pointers from time to time – and at the same time, if you come across a post where you think you have some input, then that is also a huge thing to do – a hugely positive thing.  🙂

I do hope to see you around amongst the different threads.

Kind regards

Neil