Useless, hopeless feeling

[Neil_1]

A short while ago, my partner and my wonderful daughter headed down to the local club to have dinner together.  That's something that we all usually do, every so often and it's just brilliant sitting there, having a chat about whatever;  just comfortable and relaxing.

But now, I cannot go.  I'm a pokie addict and in early December, I self-excluded myself from all clubs within our city ... for a period of 6 months.

And so here I am, home ... while they're down there; without me.  DAMNIT all ... even the tears now won't come and I'm as emotional as all hell about this, I STILL I can't bloody well cry!!!!!!!   Angry, pissed off, so upset ... all because I've got this stupid addiction.   That was the way I felt on the evening that I created my self-ban ... and on that night, I did break down in the club ... they took me into a private room and I bawled my eyes out.  That was the first time for ages that I cried, and the 2nd time for crying, was just the other day in front of a DVD.

I cried at the club, cause I saw a young girl come into the club with her family and it rocked me.

Just a hopeless, useless pokie addict and I really feel self harming ... I was gonna write something else then, but I've had things blocked before and I don't want this post blocked.  Just a useless piece of trash, who's mind is stronger than anything and dominates me ... I can see the devil on my shoulder now, laughing at the useless pathetic piece of crap that I am.

N.

[Jo3]

No, no, no Neil you are NOT a piece of trash.  You are not useless or pathetic.

You are so strong, you are always lending a hand to help someone on here.  You are amazing tower of strength,

Neil, don't self harm, pls pls don't.  I know what that feeling of wanting to do it feels like; it's bloody terrible but pls don't,

Can you take a few slow deep breaths in through the nose and out through your moth (OMG isn't that what you told me the other day).

Neil, are there any other places you can go for dinner altogether where there are no pokies? Just a thought - that way you can still go as well.,

I'm sorry I may have forgotten - but how are you going without the pokies? Have you seen your GP yet? Maybe it's worth chatting about this as well.

Neil, I don't know what to say to make you feel better. But I am thinking of you and pray that you don't do anything to hurt yourself.  Give the number on top a call, they will chat with you.

Pls let me know how you are

Your friend

Jo

[Lillybell]

Hi Neil, it was so hard reading your post. I've read  your posts to Jo over the last few days and you say such wonderful supportive things to her. You are so compassionate and sensitive to other people. Then I read what you say about yourself and it just breaks my heart. Neil you are not a pathetic piece of crap. What you have is an addiction. Poker machines are addictive like any drug. If they weren't you could walk into the club and not worry about playing them. And.... you put the ban on yourself. Nobody else did. You took control of yourself and are doing something about this problem. That is something to feel really proud of. Let's just hope your wife and daughter get bored without you and come home! You need a plan B. Such as, what family activities can you all do together that don't involve clubs or pubs with pokies? How about a restaurant meal and a movie together. Or a concert. If you plan other activities than you lessen the number of times your wife and daughter will go out without you. You came up with a solution for not playing the pokies, now you just need to find a solution for being left out of the fun!

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

You have supported me on this forum more times than I care to list.

I know it is hard to be away from loved ones, particularly when they are doing something you want to do or a place you want to be and you can't. Your past self enforced that self ban because you are a strong person. Because you knew deep inside that was you needed to set yourself straight.  So while  it may feel terrible right now, it something that you need to do for yourself.

Hang in there. You can do this.

Some times people need time from one another, even if for an hour or ten minutes. Use this to maybe prepare something for when they get home. A nice desert? Maybe just try clean the house to distract yourself.

I can not emphasise this enough, Neil. HANG ON. Things will get better.

In the mean time, come rant at us. We can take it.

GA

[geoff]

dear Neil, next time you all want to go out maybe change the venue to a Chinese restaurant where there are no pokies.

These machines are addictive and you have done well for banning yourself, and please with regard to the thing you didn't mention, but we all know what you mean, but you have been a terrific support to so many people, and now it's time for us to do the same for you.

Flick that devil off your shoulder and stamp on it, we know that your strength is slowly building up, we can tell by your posts to others, and we all know that this awful illness tries to linger on as much as it can, but as much as you don't feel as though it's leaving you it will, so please trust me when I say this.

Take care. Geoff.

[Neil_1]

Dear all  

Wow, I'm really blown away with all the wonderful messages, and I hank you thank you for your kind messages.  It was only a spur of the minute decision as that was what my daughter felt like for dinner and so off they went. 

I feel ashamed that I came on here and vented to you all, when I just should have sucked it up and ……..  

But I didn’t … I came on here for a pathetic little reason when there are others who have other problems that are 100 times worse than what I came on complaining about.  That’s what I really feel low about. 

I also stand back and look at what my major causes of depression, anxiety and ptsd are and it makes me angrier with myself that I came on here to vent for such a stupid reason.   

I’ll shut up now and I think I’ll go and do some responding to others … least that way I feel like I can do something a bit positive.  Cause when I look at myself, well it’s not really worth contemplating.  I wish I had a punching bag with me right now, cause I reckon I’d knock the effing thing right off its chains!!!  

Why have I got so much anger inside of me?   And all that anger is directed straight at me.   Not at others, but just me.  

I live with this disease EVERY day of my life … will I get better?  Wow I sure hope so, but at the moment, I cannot see any bright lights at the end of the dark horrible tunnel.  Sometimes I wish I’d see a light … like the light of an oncoming train, and I’d just stand in front of it!  

I’m in a terrible dark place.  One that is pressuring me almost all of the time;  all of my waking days.  Sleep is getting to be my only savior.  When I’m asleep, sure, I dream, but my mind is beating me up with questions of:  Why is this all still happening?  What is your purpose?  Where is the enjoyment of life?  And the ever present question, what is the purpose to life?  

Wow, sorry folks … I was going to just respond with the very first sentence, but my mind went a wanderin’.   You know it’s a shame that when it goes wandering, it always comes back.  I wish it wouldn’t.  

Neil

[Mares73]

My Dearest Neil, I woke up & read your MSG first & I felt so so upset for you. You know how we talk about not being able to cry? Well I had tears in my eyes. Did you read my message to your last post? Neil you have been a major support for me & the reason I decided to stay on the forum. And now I try to spend an hour each morning replying to people out of goodwill & genuine care and it was you that showed me that. You are an inspiration to me, truly you are. I've written to BB about possible conference days in each state where those who wanted could meet up. Jo & others would like this & I'd hope I could give you a big hug. You are so down on yourself yet how many people would have the courage to 1) admit you had a pokie addiction & 2) take steps & your own initiative to ban yourself from the clubs. That is an absolutely courageous &incredible thing to do. And you support so many people on this site-you have deep wisdom & you always know the right things to say. Remember how you cried the other day watching the DVD, I sent you a response but maybe this is the start of your feelings breaking through & it will be a breakthrough-as painful as it is. I'm very worried about you & that's one limitation to this site-not knowing if your ok unless you write here. All I can say right now because I'm sorry but I'm very upset for you as you don't deserve this. So all I can say is you are an incredible, strong, courageous, insightful & generous caring man who I & others admire, appreciate & value so much. Please Neil, please don't hurt yourself, it will only make things harder. We will all support you through this. Think of your wonderful advice to others who feel like they can't take anymore-you need to apply that advice to yourself and holdon. And I've realised I have an addiction of sorts which I want to be able to talk to you about. Selfish aren't I? Now ill be checking this site all day & hope to hear from you if you can. In my thoughts Neil, Lve Mary (mares73) xxx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Neil,

 This illness makes the smallest thing feel huge to us. These forums are for whenever things feel huge, to find support in hard times. The trigger of the problem, big or small doesn't matter. 

What matters is that you came here to us. You should feel good for that, not beating yourself up for it.

We are here to support each other regardless.

GA

[Mares73]

Dearest Neil, you have been in my thoughts. Have you read my post above yet? And I wrote another one to your post the other day. Jo & GA are so right in what they have said. It's awful not knowing when the dreaded depression is going to hit us & unfortunately it's hit you. But given your incredible strength I really believe you can get through this-even though I wish you didn't have too. You have said to me several times that given the life I've had you don't see me in the negative way I see myself. You see me as strong, courageous & inspirational. That is the exact way I feel about you. I grew up around with parents/relatives/extended family who had addictions of one kind or another & their addiction came before ANYTHING. We would go without food or clothing if necessary as the addiction was so powerful. I have NEVER heard of someone taking such a courageous, humble, incredible approach to not just admit the pokie addiction but to selfban-that is absolutely incredible & so courageous. I can't describe how much I admire you for that-its not the addiction so much as the way you managed and dealt with it yourself. And that's only one (but a huge one) example of the incredible strength & self awareness that you have. You are very insightful & have such a genuine ability to care for others & in doing so through your posts, I can always hear & feel the wisdom, humility & compassion you have for others. But hey maybe it's time you let some of your friends on here support you & we will be here to listen to anything you want to talk about, we won't judge you & hopefully we can give back some of the support & compassion you have given so many of us. Oh & remember those tears that are bursting to get out-I think they may be a breakthrough rather than a breakdown. I hope you are feeling a little better today & I will check in later to see if you've been able to get online. You remain in my thoughts. Lve Mary x (Mares73)

[Neil_1]

I’ll start with, Hi all, as I don’t want to leave anyone out,

Thank you all so much for your kind replies.  As I hope you all know, it really is a LIFT to flagging spirits when you receive such wonderfully warm messages.  Being in a state of fragility and on edge is never good and you know, depression sufferers seem to be constantly on the edge (or on edge).  I know if a cupboard accidently slams at home or someone taps me on the shoulder, I near jump through the roof … symptoms, I’m not sure what of, but symptoms nevertheless and I hate them.  I hate being this way.  It’s draining, you know.

I had someone tell me once that to dwell on things in the past is a really bad thing for you!  “Hey lady, NO **** … of course it’s bad for you!”  And I’m particularly brilliant at doing that.  Going over things that have happened and that nothing can change what’s happened, but yes, I go over and over them again and again.  Why do I do this?  I have no idea, but this is what I live with.

Ok, I admit I have made a step towards derailing my pokie addiction … but it’s funny;  I was only thinking about this on a walk yesterday.  It’s a comparison (or analogy – I just love analogies). 

If anyone is a Simpsons fan, remember back to the episode where Homer got bad food poisoning.  For those who aren’t familiar with The Simpsons, it was an episode where Homer got bad food poisoning.  (insert silly grin here).  He gets it courtesy of an amazingly huge, long hogie (I kind of long bread roll kind of thing filled with all sorts of goodies and mayonaisse and the like).  Anyway, it took Homer ages to eat it, and he’d keep hiding it behind the couch and whereever, till it was short enough to fit in the fridge.  As it got older, obviously it began to rot, but Homer being Homer, would still eat it.  Hence his bad episode with food poisoning.  (Where are you going with this Neil, I hear you ask – bear with me folks, the end is coming soon) 

After Homer’s few days laid up with being sick as, he finds the sandwich in the back of the fridge and starts to vent his anger at it;  but then stops and says, as he cuddles it, “Dear Hogie, how can I get mad at you” and he takes another bite! That’s a little how I feel with pokies … in that I don’t hate them.  I guess I wish I did or should.  But I don’t hate them.  “How can I be mad at you”, I would say to them, if only I was allowed back into the club. 

You see my addiction with them is still there.  But yes, I know only too well the damage that they can do and have done.  And this is where I feel so ashamed.  I’ve lost thousands of dollars on them … and for the most part, money that wasn’t mine.  It makes me sick to think of that. 

You see, I might appear to be strong and the like to others, but I know how weak and spineless I really am.

I feel like a fraud really … in that I’m really showing a mask to all of you good folk, but underneath, I’m just a worthless piece of crap.  So much has gone down-hill for me since I lost my brother and then it catapulted further when my Dad passed away.  You see with my brother drowning, I wasn’t able to save him, but I saved myself.  Go figure that!!  I should have done more, but I didn’t.

I can understand totally now what Lilleybell was saying in her post from yesterday (or was it last evening) saying that what other people write on here can potentially have adverse effects on the people who read them. 

I’m feeling like I shouldn’t even be on here … who I am to give advice to others when I can’t even live my own life properly. It’s mentally exhausting and physically draining living this way.  Being constantly nervous and jumpy.  Having bad anxiety for no reason.  Have the shakes a large part of the time (it’s a wonder I can type straight!).  And then the all-conquering, the king-devourer of any goodness within, chronic depression.  I was looking at myself in the mirror this morning and even I wanted to change the channel !! 

I come on here and I rabbit on … I think I’ll be banned soon anyway for being on here too often. 

What’s it all for anyway?  Life, not Beyond Blue. When will this feeling of being in a living hell go away?  My kids deserve so much better than the pathetic excuse they have for a dad right now.

I’m sorry.

Neil