Hi there,
Some of my earliest memories at 6 or 7 years of age include my parents yelling exhausted that "I'm only being miserable because I enjoy it" when I couldn't stop crying. I got stuffed toys when I didn't cry for a full 2 weeks after things were too much. At high school I saw various psychologists in and out of school, only to be told by one "you definitely don't have depression" before they'd even assessed me, as I was in a rare good mood and able to be myself, and the others focussed on the typical teenager things like friendships and parents. I was really mad when a friend of mine got mild depression in year 12 so got to miss out assignments, when I was told I didn't, despite all the times I'd sat in the corner of a room bawling, trying to harm myself, or hid in a dark cupboard to cry. This girl was going through a teenager phase of dying her hair etc and had never even tried to kill herself, and there was me, with my fully formed plan but just the resolution "I'll wait and see what uni is like, just hang on a few months longer" to stop me.
Now I'm 20, on and SNRI an SSRI and a mood stabiliser each day but I still have terrible swings of happy (lasting 4hrs up to 3 days) then flat the rest of the time and the occasional 5 day depression fit, complete with bawling my eyes out, inability to function, and again telling myself "You'll graduate in 2 years, that'll be better" (not that I don't like uni, but being unable to do what I want or have any people respect me is
killing me)
I was only diagnosed last year, by a proper psychologist (first one i've seen). He reckons it has been unnoticed for so long that it will never go away, we just have to keep on top of it by rotating different doses and seeing what works, yet they all fail within 3 months or less, with usually disastrous consequences. Today I had SLSWA state championships, the greatest day of the year, and won a bronze medal which was damn good for our first season as a team. And yet I broke down several times because people were treating me unfairly, like I wasn't equal to them, that I was worthless. They don't mean too I know, but why do it?!? It has made me so upset that I don't think I can go to the after party which starts in 15 minutes, which I have been looking forward to all year.
I just wanted to share in case it makes others feel better
