Prisoner to sadness

[Tiger_lily]

I was officially diagnosed about 9 months ago, but have suffered with depression on and off for a much longer period. My 'black dog' presents itself as waves of crippling sadness, emotional outbursts and tears for no apparent reason. These instances then make me think negatively about many aspects of my life, pulling me deeper and deeper into the darkness. I often have problems sleeping (nights are the worst for me) and rarely have much of an appetite.

I have chosen to be very private about my illness, and have only confided in my partner. I've become very good at hiding my depression. However, my condition now leads me to doubt my relationship with my partner and second guess everything. I hate being so down all the time, I miss feeling joy and happiness in my life and I am scared I am losing the ones I love because sometimes I just can't face the day, and they confuse this with me being disinterested or choosing to be alone. I am finding it increasingly more difficult to be in social situations, as I struggle to find anything positive to say about myself, and I feel very uncomfortable when my friends talk about how happy their lives are. 

I no longer enjoy my job, and obsess over even the smallest negative situation. I want to escape this dark prison. I am sick of this constant weight bearing down on me. I want to enjoy life again. I do not want to take meds, but would welcome some suggestions for coping methods to get through the dark days. 

[Neil_1]

Hi Tiger Lily

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for providing your post.

You’ve made a very important step – a step in coming here and to seek out feedback for yourself – and also you’ll receive along with other responses, advice, guidance and support.  And this isn’t a question, but more of a statement – why do things get worse when the sun goes down?  I don’t know, but they just seem as though they do.   If you’ve got the flu, the effects of it get worse;   if you’ve got an injury, it seems to get sorer and with our depression, night-times seem to make it feel worse also.

The other thing that we as sufferers do, is as you’ve mentioned – we become very good at either acting or hiding, what we are faced with daily.  But that can also wear you down – it has done so to me – the constant looking through a mask in order to cope.   And the very real fact that when you present your mask in public or to friends, or family, they then think nothing of it – nothing’s wrong with Neil.  He’s that weird, quirky, hardly ever funny guy – but him having depression – Nahhhhh !!

Divulging to your partner do you feel that you have your partner’s support or were they:   Oh, depression – um, what’s that about??

Ok, so ways for working through this – there are many – near the top of this particular topic (Depression) AGrace has created a thread “Self Help Tips for managing depression”.  It is worth going there and having a read.   I really can’t stress enough the options of exercise and diet, in particular.  Both can go hand in hand  and to have these taken care of, can go a long way to helping you.

Of course, seeking out professional help is another big part for treatment – and ok, you’ve mentioned that you don’t want to take meds at all – I guess that’s because of a particular stance you’ve taken on that particular subject – but they can be beneficial and I haven’t found them to be, oh what’s the word, addictive at all.  I just know I need my different varieties, as my mind/my brain is not creating a certain chemical and it’s the combo of the meds I’m taking that are helping me be able TO create this chemical so I can function on a day to day basis.

I do hope to hear from you again.

Neil

[AGrace]

Hi Tiger lily,

I'm glad that Neil has welcomed you warmly, it's great that you have reached out to get some additional support. Going through depression without having a support network can be really tough.

I don't want to repeat anything that Neil has covered off, but I do strongly urge you to get some professional support, as it can be challenging to deal with all these emotions and thoughts alone. As Neil has mentioned, seeing a GP doesn't mean that you have to take medication, and if you'd rather not, that is your choice. You could however get a referral to a Psychologist so that you have someone who is trained in dealing with the symptoms of depression to talk to. A Psychologist will also be able to give you some more self help strategies so that you can better manage some of your symptoms yourself.

I know that Neil has suggested that you take a look at the thread on self help tips in the Depression section of the forums. I hope that you will find some of the suggestions there useful for the interim.

With regards to sleep, this can play a huge part in how we feel. If you're not getting enough sleep then your mood can be low or quite anxious. You could try looking at a regular sleep routine. Set a specific time to go to bed each night. Only use your bed for sleep and sexual activity. Prepare yourself for sleep by having a bath/shower before bed, reading with a dim light, avoiding caffeine and sugar for at least a few hours before bed, avoiding naps during the day, and having a soothing warm drink before bed. If you find that you wake up during the night, get out of bed and do something mundane like reading for at least 20 minutes until you feel tired once more, then go back to bed. Try not to beat yourself up too much if you can't sleep. Perhaps some meditation might also help you drift off. There are plenty of apps and CDs available for this.

Let us know your thoughts, and how you get on.

AGrace

[Mares73]

Dear TigerLily thank you for trusting us with the painful personal experiences you are enduring. I can very much relate to the self isolating because you feel so fragile & this is interpreted by others as us not being interested. I found friends too drifted off when I was the one unable to reach out & be my usual self. You sound like you are definitely experiencing a bout of severe depression & anxiety & I wonder if your still struggling to accept your illness due to feared stigma. It's an illness that requires treatment just like diabetics. I'd urge you to reconsider your position on medication-like Neil suggests it assists so much with recovery. There are a list of GPS on this site who specialize in treating depression. Perhaps you could locate one near you & go & have a chat about treatment options. These Dr's deal with cases of depression all the time & would be empathetic. I appreciate you only feel comfortable sharing with your partner. I just suggest that a good GP could be another confidential support & you may end up even trialing antidepressants.  I used to have a stigma it was weak to take them & I struggled alone. When I hit bottom & decided to try meds-while it took a few trials to get the right one-it was the best design I ever made & I know see them as integral to my life & view them as a medication for an illness just as valid as any other. You can try relaxation etc but I personally found my thoughts were racing & I'd end up more depressed that I couldn't do alternative therapies. I & many others relate to all the symptoms you are experiencing.  This site is a wonderful support. Can you take some leave from work? Drs only have to write "medical reasons" on a certificate so don't fear that part. Taking some time out & seeing a Dr & reconsidering medication are my suggestions. Sometimes if you don't initiate it yourself you can get so low that you end up having to do those things so it might be good to take some action immediately. I don't mean that to sound alarming-its sadly just the reality when we are hit so strongly by this illness. I feel for you very much & I hope you keep us updated because we care very much. Your in my thoughts today, Lve Mares x

[Tiger_lily]

Thank you for your kind words and support. I have been seeing a psychologist and do find it helpful having  someone to discuss my illness with, as I struggle with some of the social stigmas associated with depression and find it difficult to talk about with people who have not experienced it. Though I feel it would be beneficial to take some time off work, I am hesitant to do so, as a fellow colleague recently took extended sick leave for mental health issues and was criticised by other staff for doing so (again, showing the lack of understanding many people have towards mental illness). I think it is great that a website like this exists to offer support to those in times of need. It has been of some comfort on particularly bad days to know that others experience these struggles too, and that they have worked through it. 

[AGrace]

Hi Tigerlily,

I'm pleased to hear that you are already seeing a Psychologist. Are there any strategies for coping that s/he has suggested for you?

I'm also glad that you are finding the forums supportive.

Regarding your work, you don't need to disclose your reason for leave. Even a medical certificate will only state medical condition. Yes, there is a bit of stigma around mental health in the workplace, but don't let this be your reason for not taking the time that you need to focus on you. You will be far more productive at work if you actually want to be there, and are focused on the tasks at hand rather than your personal problems. It's my opinion that bosses should be thanking us for taking time to rejuvenate ourselves.

I don't know whether it's a possibility for you, but I was reading an article yesterday on getting the same health benefits of a holiday at home. Studies have shown that the health benefits that we get from being on holiday are largely due to the following:

A period of days outside of the normal routine

Fresh Air, and time spent outdoors

A sense of adventure

Additional Exercise from walking and exploring

Positive thoughts from seeing new things

The studies also suggested that these same benefits can be recreated at home by changing your routine for a few days, getting outside and doing some walking, discovering something new in your neighbourhood or your nearest city, and looking at photographs of positive moments in your life. It could be worth a shot:)

AGrace