Sick of my life

[one_day]

Hi I've never done this before, I feel like my spirit is broken.  I worked for a pastor in a church as one of his lay pastors.  He was meant to be a mentor not only on the job but for life.  Turned out he was a narcissistic, controlling manipulator - who did everything he could, passively or aggressively, to break my spirit.  He used the other two staff there to do his dirty work aswell.  My wife and I had moved back to australia for this job, but was the worst 18 months of our lives, and I'm speaking from experience.  I battled cancer not that long ago, with six months chemotherapy.  The following year after that was black year.  But with a ray of Sunshine, the job offer working for this pastor.  

I fought my way out of there, he did everything he could to manipulate and control us into being stuck there.  He also happened to be high up in the denomination hierarchy which wasn't helpful.  Turned out a lot of the hierarchy know what he's like and watched me move there.  Ringing for help, I received not much.  Now I'm politically not a good person to talk to, so

I've lost friends and more.  I was ripped off of 8 thousand dollars aswell. I now can't get a job and feel completely as if my confidence and self confidence is completely gone.  I almost committed suicide a few weeks after resignation.  Have fought through the last few months, have a job in government lined up - but just can't see the point anymore.  

Disillusioned would be an understatement.  I'm angry, depressed, stressed (with little money) and just want to call it quits. 

I have been to counselling but didn't do much.  Just can't believe I'm here and feel like I won't get out.  when i was at school, I was voted as the one most to succeed in life.  I played in the first XV rugby team, was a captain and played guitar and sang at shows around the place.  

I don't see why I should bother with life anymore

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[Doolhof]

Dear One Day,

Hi and welcome to Beyond Blue. I can hear the pain in the words you have written here and am so very sorry to read you and your wife have been treated this way.

Your disillusionment with life/people is understandable considering what you have been through, but please consider that all work places are not like the one you wrote about. Please don't give up. You have the opportunity to start at a different work place, give the job a go and give the people there a chance.

I am a Christian so I am wondering if the experience you endured feels a whole lot worse to you because the people you were working with and for were Christians? It certainly does not sound from your story that there was any of God's love, peace, comfort or joy in the people you were working with.

Christians are humans and we all make mistakes. Why these people gave you such a hard time I do not understand. I hope that some day you will find it in your heart to forgive them, so the bitterness inside of you does not overwhelm you and control you.

As the job you mentioned was for a Lay Preacher, you will know that God loves you unconditionally, and you will know about the power of prayer. Reach out to God and give Him your pain and frustrations.

You mentioned you used to like playing a guitar. Do you still have one or can you get your hands on one. Maybe if you start playing again, you will find some peace in your heart.

You have had some excellent opportunities and experiences in the past, so there is no need for all of that to have to stop right now. You have the opportunity to start your life over again, right now. Think about what you would like to do and where you would like to be next week and take small steps to achieve those goals.

Life can be tough and it can suck big time. We have to get up, dust ourselves off and try again. The great thing is, that if you have a faith in God, you don't have to do it all by yourself! If God can create a caterpillar that turns into a beautiful butterfly, consider what He can do for us? Amazing hey!

I'd like to hear back from you and know how you are getting on. If it all gets too tough, give one of the crisis care phone lines a call. People are out there to help you.

Thinking of you, from Mrs. Dools

[White_Rose]

Dear One Day

I am so sorry to read of your dreadful experiences.  I can relate to you as I have been through the same process recently. Not as a lay preacher but as a member of the congregation. The priest would fit your description in my opinion. I was also so devastated by the bullying and harassment that I also contemplated suicide. Certainly all the work I used to do came to a crashing end.

Like your man, this person has friends in high places. The church is in a pickle, to say the least, and I am still reeling from the fallout. As Doolhof has said, it's worse because its the church. It's also sad because other have suffered before me.

Doolhof asks you to forgive them at some time. And of course that's the Christian thing to do. At this time however I cannot do this. I have been traumatized and abused. Can I recover? I don't know. At the moment I so down that my thoughts go to ending my life yet again. Probably won't amount to anything but the fact that I can seriously think about it still worries me.

Sorry to pour out my troubles but I hope it helps to know that these things happen to others. I am writing here with tears running down my face for both of us. I know I will get better because there have been times when I have felt almost normal.

May I offer you my coping strategies? Lean on friends and family if you can. I know you say you have lost friends but I hope not all of them. Please go to your GP and ask to be referred to a good psychologist. Your GP can draw up a mental health plan for you so that the cost is greatly reduced.

I know you have been there but please try again. If you can find a good psych it will really help. You can look at the list of doctors provided by Beyond Blue. Look at the top of the page under Get Support or Resources. These are GPs experienced in mental health matters.

Try to get out of your home at least once a day. Go for a walk. The regenerative powers of exercise are great. Please try to find another church, possibly a different denomination, to cater for your spiritual needs. I know you probably don't want to know the church but it was a large part of your life and I feel would still have meaning for you. If you can connect with someone who will offer some pastoral care please try it.

Start your new job if you can. You need a reason to get out of bed in the morning and this will be it. Work will be a distraction and help stop the eternal churning  in your mind.

Write in again. The folk here will help and support you.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Hello again One Day

Just a brief line to see how you are going. If you are still feeling suicidal can you put 'Suicide' into your search engine. One of the hits that should show up near the top is "Suicide- Read This First". It is a great first stop. A comment from that web site is "Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain."

There is some terrific information, but more is the acknowledgement of your feelings, pain and wishes. I do urge you to explore this site.  There are also some very good jokes to lighten the moment.

Please come back to us. I am concerned for you.

Mary