Uncomfortable with my feelings

[Alel]

I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety about 2 months ago. I've been taking medication although I am now changing to a different one. The medication helped me feel much better. The uncontrollable crying and panic attacks went away. But I still had those anxious and depressive thoughts or mild symptoms. I find myself feeling very uncomfortable if I am not happy or distracting myself on my phone. Just that, if I'm not happy all the time or just feeling okay still feels shitty, then there must be something so wrong with me and I can't imagine myself not feeling slightly sad and anxious for the rest of my life. I know it's not true because even people without anxiety and depression can't be happy 24 7 and have those okay days. But I feel like whenever I do, i get scared that its going to stay that way or it's going to get worse. And that there is no such thing as feeling better for me or a better version of me.

I can't tell whether my thoughts/feelings are true or because of anxiety and depression. 

[Sophie_M]

Hey Alel,

Thank you for sharing here today. It's good to hear that the medication is helping and you are feeling much better. 

You are not alone in feeling worried that it is always going to feel this way, or that there is no such thing as feeling better. When we are in the midst of a challenging time, it can feel almost impossible to imagine what "feeling better" might be like, or if it is possible. This does not mean that it isn't possible - just that it might be a new way of thinking that takes some practice.

As the saying goes - recovery is not linear. We can have great days, and not-so-great days - and that is totally okay (and expected!). 

We hope the community here can provide a good source of support as you navigate these tricky feelings. If you ever want to talk, please know that the Beyond Blue Support Service is here for you 24/7 on 1300 22 4636, or online.

Take good care of yourself. We are sitting here with you today ❤️

Kind regards
Sophie M

 

[therising]

Hi Alel

Your fears are completely understandable. I think a lot of people who've managed or are still managing depression and/or anxiety can relate to the fear of never feeling true happiness or a sense of peace ever again. It's such a painful and stressful fear and a fear I sometimes have myself when I feel myself in a low or in a state of overwhelming stress.

Being a gal who's a real feeler, I've found it can definitely be challenging when I'm not feeling how I really want to feel. It wasn't until the last couple of years that I started to really explore what it means to be a 'feeler' or 'sensitive' (someone who's sensitive to everything they feel). I found just about everything has a feel to it, so the question can often be 'What am I actually feeling in the moment?'. I found, for me, it helps to not use words such as happy, sad, angry etc because they're too general and not always handy for getting a specific feel for things. For example, with 'sad' I've often found it relates to a lack of something, so it's a matter of what can I feel myself lacking? Am I feeling a lack of guidance and support from others? Am I feeling a lack of excitement or adventure in my life, to the point where it's becoming depressing? Am I feeling some form of grief in regard to some lost sense of self that I really need to start tapping into more? Am I feeling a serious lack of direction which can also have a really lonely feel to it? Am I feeling a serious and depressing lack of energy (physical/chemical, mental and even soulful)?

In regard to happiness, am I feeling thoroughly energised? Am I feeling a solid sense of direction I can clearly see through my imagination? Am I feeling an invigorating sense of wonder? The list goes on. Getting a feel for things or getting a sense of what's going on doesn't necessarily make things easy bit it can make things a little easier at times. It's like you can have your 'go to' person for when you're feeling down, say a friend of family member. Problem is every time you go to them for guidance and some form of inspiration you feel a downshift. The question is 'What is that downshift feeling telling you?'. The simple answer may be 'They are not one of your guides in life'. I find I always feel an up shift when I've gone to the right person for guidance, someone who manages to raise me in some way. I feel the rise. So, while it's not easy managing what's depressing while finding the right person, trusting what you sense means not wasting time on what feels like all the wrong people.

I found my feelings to be my compass. I can feel things going south, I can feel myself heading in the right direction (my true north) and I can feel myself standing still not knowing which way to go (feeling the need for guidance). I'd say the toughest part comes down to identifying new feelings and what those new feelings are trying to tell me when it comes to gaining a sense of direction. This 'Feeling your way through life' business is definitely not easy or simple at times and can take a lot of practice.