Empty and Hollow

[Loveanimals]

I am in a bad place.  I have been for a very long time.  I am so empty, bored, unmotivated.  I have gained heaps of weight.  I drink, smoke, eat too much....I feel hollow all the time and nothing makes me feel better .

Other than housework  I have nothing in life.  No social life, no partner, no job.  No hobbies....nothing other than food and alcohol.  I either don't drink then eat all day,  or I don't eat then drink all day.  I have tried so many hundreds of times to stop this vicious circle!  I feel there is another side of me that absolutely takes over and I have no control over any of it.  I try to go for a walk or read a book; try to do something other than sit around waiting for bedtime as that is all I look forward to.   I have applied for numerous jobs and nothing has come of any of it.  

It is obvious that I am severely depressed.  However,  I have seen so many doctors and psychiatrists/psychologists and all any of them have done is prescribe medication. Which has never worked.  I fear I am so damaged by my past and indeed my current situation that nothing will ever help me.  I know that it is up to me to change this...but the 'bad' side of  me says 'oh well you hate life anyway so who cares if you die from cancer/heart attack whatever'.  

I have a very dysfunctional relationship with my 'family' so I only see them when I absolutely have to.  I have posted here about those issues.  I guess it is just my pathway in life and I have to somehow overcome it.  I do struggle constantly with this.  I just do not know what to do anymore.  I have honestly tried everything to no avail.  

I am so sorry if anyone reading this understands!  As it is an awful way to exist.  However....I wish someone could help me.  

Thanks for reading. 

[indigo22]

Hi Loveanimals,

Thank you for reaching out and I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time.

I know about that black hole first hand and I know how hard it is to get out of. I understand the lack of motivation, lack of interest, and lack of will to keep trying. I would like to suggest that if the only help you have received in the past is in the form of medication, then you need to find someone different. I spent many years in counselling with a social worker who helped me before and after going on medication. That is one option for you but there are also therapists that are using new techniques to help their patients, maybe you need to do some research on some of the new therapies and try to find someone who can try various approaches to see what works for you. It is an awful way to exist but you don't need to go through it alone and there is help out there, it's a matter of finding the right person for you. I would also like to suggest that you talk to the help line and get some advice there. We are here to support you, so feel free to continue this conversation if you are comfortable.

Sending you some extra strength to keep going,

indigo22

[therising]

Hi Loveanimals

When I read your post I thought how I wish we could catch up and act as a team in the way of change, based on me being able to relate to some of the things you've mentioned. It's so hard when we really don't have a lot of people pushing us toward change in ways we can relate to. While lots can be pushing us toward change, they're not in ways that lead us to feel inspired and full of energetic enthusiasm.

I think sometimes there are more triggers than we can count or are aware of. Sounds like you've managed to identify a number of them, which is a really good start (I know, doesn't feel so good, hey). I think we have to learn to be kinder to our self at times based on the fact we can be trying to manage another 10 triggers that aren't at all obvious. Once they become obvious, there's the ability to say 'No wonder I've been struggling so much, I had no idea just how much I was trying to manage'. Being a sensitive 53yo gal, I have loads of triggers. In my top 10, 3 of the most significant when it comes to depression are sensitivity, an ongoing lack of energy and not being able to see the way forward.

When it comes to sensitivity, it's an ability that can feel more like a curse at times. While I can easily sense or feel something's depressing, doesn't mean I can identify exactly what's depressing me. Sometime all I can feel is 'down', as opposed to when someone says something that creates a sudden downshift I can sense (which makes the trigger obvious).

With a depressing lack of energy, it's amazing all the things that can drain us or keep us functioning in 'flat battery' mode. Personally, I'm a smoker (which interferes with oxygenation), a major emotional eater who needs to lose an unhealthy amount of weight (impacting chemical energy and metabolism), someone who struggles to exercise (not good for kinetic energy), doesn't drink anywhere near enough water (hydro power) or spend enough time outside (solar power) and the list goes on. As an ex drinker and as someone who manages sleep apnea, I can say you can definitely feel the depressing side effects of a lack of good quality sleep that can come from both. Wondering if you've ever been tested for sleep apnea.

When it comes to energy, if we're sensitive enough we can easily feel the difference between the people who seriously drain us/bring us down, keep us in neutral and those who charge us up in some way. We can even feel the kind of energy that comes from a whole variety of facets of our self. While the adventurer, go getter and risk taker in us are all high energy facets and the sage, meditator or philosopher in us are more peaceful or zen-like, the depressing drainers can be the stresser, the pessimist, the people pleaser (that insists we put our self last), the harsh and brutal inner critic and so on. If you're into 'self understanding' books (aka 'self help' books), a good one is 'Insanely Gifted: Turning Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel' by Jamie Catto. Catto's a great and humorous writer.

The last of the 3 I mention in my top 10 involves channeling the seer in me. Imagine it this way: You have a seer in you who enables you to see the way forward. The question is 'How to bring it to life?'. I've found finding the right guides to be absolutely key for this. If I have next to no energy, the best guide will not be someone who says 'Get off the couch and go for a run or a jog'. Nup, just can't see that, not at all. On the other hand, if someone says 'Sit and read this book/listen to this podcast that will shift your perspective in ways you need it shifted', yes, I can see myself sitting and reading or listening with a sense of curiosity and an open mind. I can easily see that.

[Loveanimals]

I am so grateful to you for your wonderful reply.  You are very wise and I have read  your reply over and over!  I have also ordered the book from the local library and cannot wait to read it!

It is insane how much we have in common.  I am a highly sensitive person and I struggle daily with awful news stories and the like.  Although I try very hard to avoid seeing/reading this stuff it is always there isn't it!  I do judge myself very harshly and I know this does not help matters.  I know ddep down that  I am a good person.  I would help anyone in need.  I have rescued many animals and when I had money I have donated to lots of charities.  I need to keep reminding myself of that fact. 

I have not looked into sleep apnea but I do think there is a possibility.  I have not had a full night's sleep in many years.  I wake up a lot...then read because I can't go back to sleep....then around midday I am over it and ready to go to bed again!

Thanks to you I am making a concerted effort to change.  Your post awakened something positive in me.  For that I am so extremely grateful.  I am going to only allow myself drinks on the weekend.  I am going to go for a walk every morning.  Even if it starts off ten minutes.  I know I can do this.  

 Anyway I am sending you my love and gratitude.  I hope all is going well in your life.  You deserve it. 

[Loveanimals]

Thankyou for responding to my post.  I really appreciate it!  I am sorry you know what this feels like.  It is not a place I would wish anyone to be in.  I am very glad you found support and help.

I will try again.  I will see my GP next week and ask for a mental health plan.  I am also going to try even harder to fix things for myself.  I know that I can do it.  

I have rung the help line on many occasions and have always felt better afterwards.  I am so grateful to have this site and lovely people such as yourself who take the time to help others they don't even know.  xxx

[indigo22]

Hello again Loveanimals,

I am so glad to hear that you are going to try again, be sure you are comfortable with the counsellor and if not, don't be afraid to let your GP know that it is not a good match for you. Please let us know how you are going so we can give you some support along the way.

Take care,

indigo22