Uncertainty on diagnoses

[Asynth]

Hi all!

I've been struggling with mental health issues for ages. I was institutionalized and it was discussed I could have manic depression but nothing was ever solid. 8 years on, I'm still struggling and haven't had a firm diagnoses. The psychologist I'm seeing now is incredible and she's teaching me to not self-pity and to move on past a diagnoses. She wants me not to cling onto the idea that something is wrong with me, that I don't need to prove anything to those who didn't support me during my darkest times (my family). She believes I love the dramatic lifestyle and that I thrive on people's pity. I agreed with her, but it's been a month or two after we came to that realization and I still find I have great difficulty 1) feeling anything, 2) controlling my emotions, 3) controlling myself altogether.
My partner believes I have mood swings, I get into very obvious bouts of anger and jealousy. I spit mean things at him then the next day or a couple of hours later, I apologize and admit that's not the normal me, nor who I want to be. I don't know who I am, I feel like I'm constantly changing. The yesterday me is not the today me, the 12pm me is not the 2pm me. I'm also constantly empty/bored. I feel like there is a switch in my brain I can't control.

From battling with this for years, I would self-diagnose as Borderline Personality Disorder. However it's so difficult to not doubt yourself after my psych told me what she did. I can't tell if I'm just being 'dramatic' because for years I've been searching for the reason I'm like this, or if there is actually a legitimate reason. I can't tell what I should do with taking the next step forward. Should I seek out a psychiatrist that's happy to help diagnose me, or should I just keep believing that I don't need that confirmation and continue therapy with my current psychologist? I'm scared that if I get diagnosed, I'd put myself in a box and excuse my actions for it.

Thanks for reading all this. Any response, even if it doesn't offer any advice, is welcome

[startingnew]

hello and welcome to BB

its can be really hard having the thought of being diagnosed looming overhead however i have had both negative and positive outcomes through my diagnoses. i have been diagnosed with complex PTSD, severe anxiety, severe depression and also Borderline Personality Disorder.

my first initial reactions were that i didnt want them and i wish i was never told. i too was worried i would live under the roof of these diagnoses so to speak just as your describing.

my positive experience though is it has given me an idea of what im actually dealing with, i can read up on them and learn more about them, what things might help and also the different types of treatments as well.

im glad that you have both a psychologist and a psychiatrist as well. that is a really good start.

you can ask your gp and also your psychiatrist who the best person is to diagnose you as you would like one. they have to respect your decision and can diagnose you if that is what you would like.

happy to keep chatting

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Asynth,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for your post.

I really appreciate you coming here to talk about this and I think it's really important. The idea of what is a diagnosis, what does it mean, how does it affect us and what we decide to do with it is pretty powerful. It probably goes without saying that we're all pretty different in that aspect; some are diagnosed quickly; others not at all; some supported; other's isolated. The diagnosis can mean different things to different people.

It sounds like the one main diagnosis your questioning is the idea of BPD; so I'm going to look at that one.

If you were to be officially diagnosed with BPD, what do you think that would mean to you? How do you think that would feel? Rather than trying to decide right now, perhaps you could let it play out in your head - do you think there might be relief for having a reason why things happen, or that like you said it might be counterproductive? Likewise; if you saw someone and they officially confirmed you didn't have BPD; what would that be like for you?

I was in a similar scenario with my psychologist wondering about a diagnosis. She mentioned that if we all looked hard enough we'd all be diagnosed with something; the criteria can be so broad that a psychiatrist could diagnose everyone with a mental illness. That's the difficulty with this tool. It's broad; general and only gives us a name. One psychiatrist could give us one, another could take it away.

BPD too means different things to different people. Depression in movies and books depicts a lot of crying, where as BPD; much darker films, more drama sometimes horrors. With it comes a lot of stigma. People know much less about BPD then they do about depression and anxiety. Would a diagnosis help you feel connected or isolated? What about the idea of your future; with or without; do you think that name would affect your self-esteem when looking at new relationships like friends/partners?

and finally.. if you did get diagnosed, how would this change your game plan? A diagnosis in Australia doesn't hinder your ability to get therapy; so all those things that concern you like controlling your emotions/self and the ability to feel anything can all be 'worked on' (for a lack of a better word) in therapy. DBT is usually the go-to for BPD, so perhaps it could be worth looking at it from this avenue too; all diagnosis aside; do you genuinely feel like you're getting the right help?

Hope this helps,

[Asynth]

Thank you for such a thoughtful reply! I had a good think about your questions.
I definitely agree with that anyone could find something to be diagnosed with.
I think that if I wasn't diagnosed with anything, I would panic and be concerned about why I feel and act this way as it feels so uncontrollable. My self-esteem would definitely be affected as I'd just assume I were a drama queen or pathetic. But being diagnosed would bring relief! If I were able to put a name to it, I believe researching and looking into the condition would help me to recognize and control the symptoms. Right now, I feel I get very angry at myself for not knowing why I act the way I do. I feel like my psychologist does a good job but I do think there are certain coping techniques I need to be taught. A big part of me currently wonders if I'm being taught to cope in the correct way. If I did get a diagnoses, at least I'd be able to know what therapy to ask for.

[Sonz88]

I read your post and I could really relate to some of the things you mentioned like having really abrupt mood swings, and not understanding why you act the way you do, lashing out etc. I was diganosed with borderline personality disorder (also misdiagnosed as bipolar at one point, however this was incorrect) when I was 20. Before then I spent so many years not understanding why I acted the way I did, and just feeling like I was a horrible person.

I would share your concerns with a psychiatrist and push for a diagnosis. I won’t lie, being slapped with the label of borderline personality disorder isn’t very fun. That being said understanding your condition allows you to get help that is tailored to your specific needs with therapies that have been shown to help with borderline like DBT.

There is a book I read called ‘Sometimes I Act Crazy’ about people’s experiences with borderline and I found it helpful when I was first diganosed.

often people in the professional field have a very negative view of those with borderline and can sometimes put them in the ‘too hard’ basket. My advice is if this happens push and search to find someone who is willing and able to give you the help you need to improve yourself. It’s not an easy path, but with the right help and support as well as a lot of desire to change and improve your symptoms it can change things. My psychiatrist said around five years after my original BPD diagnosis that I no longer met the criteria for it. Understanding it gave me the power to change thing and I am forever grateful for that opportunity.

[romantic_thi3f]

HI Asynth,

Thanks for your post. It's good to hear back from you. I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing?

It does really make sense that the diagnosis would explain things; I can relate to that.

Feel free to write back again if you'd like.