Trebor13

[Trebor13]

Morning all, I'm new to reaching out.  I'm a 48 yr old male that is struggling atm especially to reveal my weaknesses. I have been finding life hard in the last 5 years after losing my brother to suicide I'm still angry and upset and thought this would have become easier,  my mother passed away this morning and I'm falling very confused with my life, I have a loving partner that I'm pushing away and she can't understand why ( nor do i) any help at this stage would be appreciated. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Trebor13, 

Thank you for sharing this. We’re sorry to hear that you’ve so recently and suddenly lost you mother and you brother. It may be quite hard to express what you’re feeling, at the moment, but please know you’ve taken a really brave and commendable step in sharing here.  

Are you connected with any bereavement or mental health support currently? This is obviously an incredibly painful time, and it’s really important you and your family are supported through it. In case it's useful you can find advice and directories on the Beyond Blue website here. We'd highly recommend talking to Griefline, on 1300 845 745 (6am to midnight AEST every day).  

Please know that you're not alone with this, you can call the Beyond Blue helpline at any time, on 1300 22 4636. They can help you talk this through and will also be able to help you plan what's next so that you have that support in place. 

We hope you're able to be kind to yourself through this, as you've been so kind in sharing your experience here. You never know how your story might help someone else, so do feel free to share more if you're comfortable to.

We hope you can find some comfort and understanding on the forums, where other community members might be able to relate to what you’re going through.  

Kind regards,  
Sophie M  

[therising]

Hi Trebor13

My heart goes out to you as you face such overwhelming life changing losses. They're mind altering losses and such heartfelt soulful ones.

Not sure if this is the case perhaps but do you feel you've entered into some state of reflection? Kind of like 'Leave me alone while I work this all out at a deeper level' state of being. So glad to hear you have a loving partner in your life. Do you feel she'd be able to help you make greater sense of things if you both invited open conversations about how you're feeling and thinking? If she's someone who wonders and doesn't criticise, you're blessed to have her. If she is like this, she may lead you to wonder about a lot of things that could possibly serve you regarding your way forward.

Sometimes we can be led to see our abilities as 'weaknesses'. As an example, the ability to feel so much is an ability. It's not an easy one to manage at times, that's for sure. As a mum to a 17yo guy and 20yo gal, I tell both my kids 'You're sensitivity will get you far in life. Figuring out what you're sensing at any given time is key'. Guys are typically ripped off, in my opinion, while often facing that destructive social mantra 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up'. In other words 'Shut down your ability to sense what you're feeling in yourself, in others and in life in general. Become more insensitive and stop feeling your way through life so much'. A great disservice is done to many boys and men.

I think with the loss of a person or people in our life, we don't just grieve for them no longer physically being here, we also grieve for a lost sense of self, the sense of self we experienced while they were here. To rephrase 'Feeling sorry for yourself' so that it invites great levels of self compassion...'I am feeling sorrow for my self, the sense of self I have lost'. From there, it becomes about the sense of self we need to now gain in order to know our self better, especially in self loving ways.

[Merry G]

Welcome Trebor13,

My deepest condolences for the loss of your loved ones. It’s understandable that you are struggling with the loss of such important figures in your life.  

I think your difficulty discussing your weaknesses could be an outcome of society. Society often advocates demonstrating our strengths and hiding our weaknesses. It also tends to advocate stoicism because there tends to be stigma around struggling, especially with your mental health. However, as you can imagine, this can negatively impact our mental health because, if we never talk about our struggles, we may never get the help we need to have a flourishing life.

It seems you have amazing support at you hands through your wife. I think you could open up to her about your thoughts and feelings during your grief. It may be that you are pushing her away because you do not know how to discuss your struggles. If this is the case, you could mention to her that you are struggling to discuss it. This may allow her to guide the conversation so she can acquire more information. You could also try and write out something on paper before talking to her, just so you know what to say. By discussing your struggles with her you release your pent-up emotions and thoughts, which may result in some catharsis and allow you to further understand your situation.

I may also be beneficial to speak to allied health professionals. If interested, a GP can provide medication, psychoeducation, and/or a referral to a psychologist/physiatrist. You could also speak to a counsellor that specialises in grief, as they are likely to provide individualised recommendations on how you could approach your grief. At the end of the day, these are just some considerations, please do what you think is best for yourself and your situation.

Wishing you all the best,
Merry G  

[Trebor13]

Thankyou for your kind words,  unfortunately since my last post I seem to have lost my rock(partner),I'm a little lost.

[Bob_22]

Hi Trebor13,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for posting here. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother and more recently your mother and partner. I can't imagine what you're going through or how devastating it must be for you right now. 

I would recommend if you need someone to talk to over the phone to please contact either beyond blue by clicking the "immediate support" button at the top right corner of this page or Griefline which is a grief counselling phone line that provides amazing support. I have similarly, lost my mother recently and been in a world of hurt. I have been through the stages of grief but it is important to know that it is not a straight line and the process is dynamic. There is some more info about it here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/grief-and-loss For me, the funeral was a huge help. Being able to mourn her loss openly and in support with other family and friends was a huge relief. It is important to let your emotions vent and to try not to bottle things up as it makes processing things more difficult. Im still in a lot of pain at the moment but it is getting better and I know it will pass. For me it has been about letting things take it's course and remembering my mum throughout her life and her illness journey. Hope that helps. 💙

Bob

[ecomama]

Hey Trebor, welcome to the forums. 

How are you doing today? 

EM