Today was a bad day

bbree · ‎07-05-2013

I'm new beyond blue! I was hoping this could be a place where I could share experiences with people in a similar situation than myself.

I suffer from depression. I see a doctor once a fortnight and go to mindfullness meditation classes. I was recently on medication but decided to try a drug-free method of taking herbal vitamins that are supposed to assist with depression symptoms! Sounds like I'm doing everything right but alas, I'm still depressed.

Today was a bad day, first one I've had in a while, which is probably the only positive thing I can take from this experience. Some days are better than others. Today was not one of the better days.

The thing is, nothing in particular happened for me to be feeling so down and sad, I think that's what annoys me most... I was at work and I was overwhelmed with all that had to be done and didn't feel I was getting support from other colleagues. I had people coming up and asking me questions and I was just not in the mood. I couldn't be bothered putting a smile on my face and being nice to people.

When I get stressed, it's like a wave of negative thoughts that wash over me... I'm not good enough, why am I here, I don't want to do this anymore, I keep making mistakes, why can't I just be happy...

When I'm feeling down I find it really hard to overcome the negative thoughts and start to think positively. My partner is always trying to turn my day around and I love him for it, he tells me to replace every negative thought with a positive one, but for some reason I don't think it's that easy. Does anyone else find this? I try, I really do. I'm doing everything right to try and make myself happy but nothing seems to be working and I don't think there is anyone that understands how I feel.

I'd love to have some feedback or advice on how other people cope or are coping and just to know that I'm not the only person out there who is feeling like this!

Anicca · ‎10-05-2013

Hi bbree,

I feel the same as you, suffering from both general anxiety and major depression. My depression is accompanied by Cyclothymia, which just means my depressive moods are cyclical, with no apparent cause. I too, find it hard to put on a happy face and often feel overwhelmed by the anxiety. I have accepted my illness as I've gotten older and not been able to work full time. There are many tools in my toolkit - psychiatrist, medication, CBT (the changing of our thoughts that you mention, meditation, mindfulness and always looking for self help ideas. I don't have anyone to talk to and I never told my work colleagues about my depression. I always had so many days off work but was afraid of being sacked if I told my employers I had depression. Now I do casual childcare work and I still don't tell anyone why I can work some days and not others. I don't have the financial security I used to have from my work but I have to accept that this is how it is for me. I think I have rambled on but here are some phrases that have helped me at times. 'Be kind to yourself', 'just be in the moment' and 'accept that this is how I am in this moment and it is ok.

Alison

allalone23 · ‎10-05-2013

your def not alone in feeling like this..i too had a job that was causing me so much stress, anxiety and panic attacks - i sort help professionally and it did help me to some degree, however personal issues would always be there, so the best thing for me was to leave and once i made that choice for me i felt wonderful, however 1 year on and i feel like i am back to square one, where do i go to, how do i help me? i have the same questions as you do, one thing for me that i have tried to help me is remove all the clutter in my life and try and make it as simple as possible, so far so good, im feel like i am getting somewhere, just take baby steps and know that this is the first step in your well being..there will be someone else who will post as well that will give you even better help with their story and or advice..but just know your not alone and things WILL get better ((hugs))

bbree · ‎24-05-2013

Sorry for the late reply.

Thank you both so much for responding, it means a lot.

Alison55, my dad suffers from Cyclothymia so I have some sort of idea on what you must be going through as well. I have the same fears as you, no one at work knows my situation so I try my best to keep it hidden. It makes it a lot easier when you're working with a great bunch of people though too who are happy and positive.

Be kind to yourself is definitely something that's been instilled in me by my teachers and therapists. Something I'm trying to stick to! Thank you for your input.

allalone23, thank you for your support, I love your optimistic attitude! Since posting this message I've found that things have gotten a little better for me, whether it be a combination of the medication/therapy and meditation. Not too sure but I'm trying to stay on the positive side.

I'd definately recommend mindfullness meditation to you both.

Hope you're well xx

Marley · ‎24-05-2013

Hi bbree

Yes that is me too, everything you go through and that's what I tried to explain to a psychologist, how do you control those thoughts in those situations....I can't seem too.

I've also noticed lately that I often will be driving and a number of places I go, like drop my daughter at school or go to work both of which are different routes, I sometimes take the school route when I should be driving to work and so i have to turn around, and its like I'm in a trance! My mind is so focused on my thoughts I'm not thinking about where I'm going, like I'm on auto pilot. I can't believe I do this at times.

I seems to get so obsessed with my own thoughts and can't concentrate or focus on anything else, which was not good at work. I just quit my job! I'm having a break but wonder if I'll ever be able to do a job where I feel comfortable and not stressed any more.

bbree · ‎03-07-2013

Hi Marley,

Thanks for your message, sorry I'm so late in responding.

Yes I'm very much the same, I lack in concentration a lot. I work full time in an office job where attention to detail is key and lately I've been making so many mistakes just because I'm not concentrating on what I'm doing and I get distracted easily.

Don't feel disheartened about driving in the wrong direction, I do that sometimes too! Your mind just wanders. I'd suggest you try mindfullness meditation because that really looks into being in the moment and controlling your thoughts.

You should try and get back into work maybe working part-time in a job that isn't too stressful for you and just see how you go.

geoff · ‎04-07-2013

To All that have posted on this topic, it's a shame that this illness can change our lives around, all for the worse.

You have to remember that it's not your fault, and please don't blame yourself for feeling this way.

Depression doesn't need any stimulus to generate us from having a bad day, it just sweeps through us at the drop of a hat.

You could be doing nothing at all, nothing that would make us feel depressed, but bang we hit the wall, and have to try and work out what has just happened that makes us feel miserable.

Sometimes when I was depressed I could feel it coming on, I knew that I was going to have a terrible day, while other days it just hit me all out of the blue.

I could feel the invisible screen approaching me, no one could see it but I knew it was coming around the corner, and then like a vacuum it pulled me into the cloud of depression, and everywhere I went it followed me.

We all know this feeling but it's something we can't explain to those who don't have depression, they don't understand why all of a sudden we are a useless wreck.

The psych's. say it's our endorphins that need a boost, maybe this is true, but the question is why do we feel OK at times, and why do we feel awful all of a sudden, it doesn't explain that even when we take antidepressants for months, our mood can change, because this medication is in our system and should be working 100 % of the time. Geoff.

Sheiknah · ‎11-07-2013

Yes I get the same too. My husband also tries to be positive and says to me to think positively and stop talking like that etc. For some of it I love him for it and others it annoys me. He does try to work out what has upset me or made me feel bad, was it the workman that came and said they fixed the machine this morning and didnt? Is it your period ? Are you just tired? I try to explain and have told him for ages what has had really had me down. If I dont feel like putting on a nice face because I am having a bad day I just dont go out. If I have to for work some how I do put the nice face on as I have learnt to do it but I notice I am alot shorter than normal and felt like I was going to cry and just walk away from my client/boss the other day. That was a real bad day. I don't want to go on anti depressants as when I did they did not help and I know if things changed in my life and things were worked through I would feel better but alas same old same old. So my days go up and down. Yes I find it hard to stop the negative thoughts. I wish I was dead, I am sick of this life, things are never gonna change and thinking about all the bad things that have happened and gettign angry about them. I dont know what to say to help at all but know you are not alone. It is nice to know I am not alone.