Thought my closest friend understood, she doesn't.

[Hopefullseeking]

I was having a Messenger conversation with my closest friend, she has been a great support and thought she Got me, until last night.

The last ccouple of weeks have been better, l know shock, and l thought I had turned that corner. This friends sister even commented on how good I looked.

Last couple of days haven't been good, have felt

really low again, fortunately I know the trigger but even knowing hadn't helped.

I told my friend I was feeling low again

, and how l thought l had finally turned the corner then she said 'depends on how much you want to turn that corner' then she immediately said Be strong. I think she realized she had said the wrong thing but I still felt hurt.

Do you have to have depression

to understand what someone else is going through? Feel like I can't talk to her anymore. I am not going to lose her friendship but l feel different towards her now. Am l being to sensitive?

Has this happened to any

one else? What did you do? I feel mire weird than ever now.

Anne

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Pipsy,

I am at my volunteer job and managing to mask the feelings I am having.  Feel a little despondent, I know this journey is often a long one, well for me it has been a 61 year journey but is there an end.  I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life, that is depressing in itself lol.

I am better than I was and I keep reminding myself of that.  Sorry I am rambling.

Yes my green space is tranquil, it has taken a lot of work and I feel very satisfied with it, obviously it will improve as the plants grow, that in itself is again satisfying. I love it and am proud of the job I have done, I don't have a green thumb but do my best.

I have learnt a lot with the psychologist about how to stop myself being overwhelmed and paniced and how to calm down. My green space is a strategy I came up with after a few things the psychologist said.

My psychiatrist has taught me how to breath and breathing exercises so I am covered there but often forget them when I need them most.  Strange how when you need the techniques the most you forget how to do them.

I am meeting a friend this afternoon to celebrate her birthday so that will be pleasant.

I am often fine or can mask and be a good actor when in company, it is on my own that is often a struggle yet I like my unit, cat and now my green space.  I often make a cup of tea, calming technique, I will have to take it outside and sit at my table.

Does anyone else get tired of doing all this just to remain in one piece, I certainly do.

Have a great afternoon ladies.

[Graceeeeee]

Hi dear Anne!

I know how hard it is to explain to someone what you are going through, it just feels like you are struggling and stuck and you don't know how to speak up even though you want to, we get it, and we are always here for you 🙂 I have a few ideas on how you should deal with this relationship with your friend, please don't be offended friend if you don't like them, and you don't have to use them: 1. Tell her that even though she might not understand why, you still insist for her to avoid using phrases such as "get over it", "you choose to feel this way" as they deeply often you 2. Don't hide all your feelings from her, when you feel like you need someone, go up to her and tell her "I need someone", tell her all you need is for her to be there for you to hug you and comfort you, to tell you everything is going to be ok, non judgementally 3. While you might not seek complete understanding from her, seek understanding from us, different friends can make you feel better in different ways, with us, just spill out the problem and we'll understand 🙂 4. If she's willing to, you can show information to her about depression, those that you find that you think she might be able to understand more about, just so she can slowly be on the same page with you, why not give it a try? 🙂

And dear Anne, I get how hard it is, I know it seems like we are so stuck, but we are here together and we keep being strong for each other, whenever you feel stuck there will be a thousand hands reaching out to you, a dozen friends offering you hugs and kisses, and everyone with full ears and heart open to listen, ready to understand.

Please know this road isn't easy, but no matter what, you are never alone 🙂 I'm offering my hugs and kisses to you if they can make you feel even slightly better 🙂

With Love,

Grace xxoo

[pipsy]

Hi there Hopefullseeking.  How are you feeling today?  Reading over Grace's post, she has the right idea, but your friend could still get a bit impatient when you ask her to refrain from using those phrases.  Next time she makes the remark (and she will), instead of allowing it to 'get under your skin', think for a minute.  Are you annoyed because she's not 'on your wave length', or because of what she said.  If it's because of what she said, think about what she said, be it 'rise above it', 'get over it', 'you choose to be depressed'.  They are after all only words.  Does it make you 1) Angry, wish to retaliate, or 2) Make you want to run away, or 3) Make you want to lash out at her.  After looking at those three choices, think about why you're angry, why do you want to run away, why do you want to lash out.  Your friend said it with best intentions, okay, wrong words, right motivation.  Do you feel she is trying to control your emotions, or help you fight the negative emotions that depression bring on.  Remember depression is a negative emotion.  You feel angry, so the depression does leave (maybe only for a minute - but it does leave).  Anger is a powerful emotion, you can't feel depression when you're angry.  Depression takes over once the anger dissipates and hurt comes in and down you go again.  Another thought here, she's not controlling your emotions, you are.  Ask her to help you fight the depression, tell her, her words sound right, but you don't know how to make them work for you.  In a round about way, your friend is actually trying to support your fight against this crippling illness you have.  Depression is an illness, but you can fight it with the right armour.  In this case support from us, and your friend.            

Remember BB is always here when the fight wearies you.  Depression tires you as it's as powerful as anger.  But, also remember when you're angry, you're not depressed, that comes after.  When it does, think about why you're depressed, is it something definite or just 'delayed reaction' to an earlier incident.

Hope this helps.

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Grace,

Thanks for your suggestions they are helpful.  My psychologist and I discussed this matter last Tuesday and she has given me a few suggestions too.  It is a hard one, I am tempted to wait until it happens again but I should probably just talk to her, I know she would be understanding but it is hard.

Yes her heart is in the right place but the words were wrong for me, they hurt they

No one seems to understand but BB, my shrink and psychologist but I see them for didn't help.short periods of time then have to cope on my own and that is tough. I do understand it though.

Hi Pipsy,

I'm sorry to say I have trouble identifying emotions so often don't understand what I am feeling, I have spent so many years being numb that it is hard for me to figure out when I am feeling angry.  All I know is I felt hurt when my friend said those words and like why am I bothering as she doesn't understand.

You are right she is trying to support me and I know she is there for me but at times she just doesn't get it and I suppose how could she.

I am fighting it with everything I can but I seem to win for a while then loose again. Roller coaster riding but it is draining.

I don't know why but sometimes I feel worse after being on BB, maybe it gets me in touch with feelings, not really sure but I am so grateful to have BB to go to.

Thanks beautifuls

Hugs and kissess

Anne

[pipsy]

Hi Hopefullseeking.  Depression is the hardest emotion to understand or control until you get to the core of why you feel so low.  There can be many things that cause the low.  I do understand, once you're in that black hole, finding motivation to start the long haul up is really hard.  The tiredness is the never ending battle against the lows you keep experiencing.  I think the numbness you describe, could be because when you were in your abusive relationship, numbness was your way of mentally escaping the horror.  Women rape victims often describe themselves as experiencing numbness as a way of 'turning' off from the pain and humiliation.  At the time the pain is unbelievable, afterward they mentally 'switch off', so the pain seems to fade till later, when they have to face their attacker.  You used mental numbness to escape and it automatically became a way of life for you.  I'm not saying you're mental, please don't for one minute think I am.  It's scary for you now to experience feelings you can't deal with, so you retreat into your 'shell' of numbness, or in your case the depression takes over because you're unable to deal with any sort of emotional pain.  I was abused as a child and I too, escaped mentally by becoming numb or immune to the pain and humiliation I was experiencing.  Through absolute years of counselling, medication, psychiatrists etc, eventually I 'got in touch' with my feelings and the pain was excruciating, but real.  Now, I'm pain free, because I allowed myself to feel the pain and heal.  It hurt too, unbelievable pain, but feeling pain was a better alternative to numb.  The tears I cried as the song 'Everybody's Somebody's Fool' says 'Could fill an ocean', but, the freedom from pain is indescribable.  Continue to work with your psychiatrist, allow him/her to help you get in touch with 'you'.  Don't be scared, be pain free. 

I'm here for you when you need me. 

[pipsy]

Hi, further to what I was saying about numbness.  When you go into 'survival' mode, numbness takes over too.  You were fighting to survive in your toxic relationship, so when you fight to live (as it were) you became numb so as not to weaken.  If you had weakened, the numbness wouldn't have helped you survive.  You couldn't afford to be weak, you had to be strong, so feelings have to be replaced by the fight to survive, which means you become numb so as not to feel.  This is now when you have to learn not to be scared by feelings.  This is where your psych can help you.   Don't be scared to ask for help to get in touch with your feelings. 

Hope this is some help for you.

[Hopefullseeking]

Pipsy, l too was abused growing up and basically got married at 20 to get away from it not realising it was going to continue in worse ways.

l thought I had moved through the numbness but at times my psychologist aarticulates emotions that I don't realise I am feeling.

l have been seeing my psychiatrist foff and on for about 23 or so years and she has done wonders but we came to a brick wall hence the psychologist. I sometimes wonder if l will ever put the past behind me. My ex husband lives interstate so never see him, my childhood abuser is another story. I see him a couple of times a year and I can't help that, its complicated.

l have been trying to put the past behind me for forever

. I sometimes feel numbness is better than going through the feelings but that isn't healthy.

I try, I put all my strategies in place but sometimes it doesn't seem enough

. . I will keep trying, I'm not a quitter.

Thanks for your understanding

, we have somethings in common.

Hugs

Anne

[pipsy]

Hi Hopefullseeking.  Perhaps the 'brick wall' you hit with your psychiatrist was because you felt you were going round in circles.  This happens too.  It happened with me.  I saw a psych for about the same length of time, my psych had me believing that when I was abused, my body responded to the stimuli.  This is absolute rubbish.  When you know the abuse, is abuse, all you want to do is escape.  I wanted my abuser dead.  He is still alive, but, thankfully, I've been able to cut him out of my life.  You will never forget the past, but you will learn to put it in it's place.  I have put my past in a 'box' in a corner of my brain.  I used to frequently re-visit, not to repeat the hurt, but to remind myself why I cut him out of my life.  Now I don't re-visit, I don't feel the pain anymore, the hurt is no longer there.  I took back the control he stole.  May I ask how long the abuse went on for?  Mine started at the tender age of 8 and stopped when I was 14.  My mother was aware, but did nothing, that made it worse.  I have forgiven her, I will never forgive him or forget what he did, but it doesn't rule me anymore.  I actually feel sorry for him.  You will overcome the past, once you allow yourself to feel and heal.  When the feelings become too much, allow yourself to cry, crying helps healing.  It's like grieving.  If you need intense counselling BB has a 24/7 phone line.  I think also there is an adult survivors group. 

I'm also here if you want to just talk.  Remember, you survived as I did.  You will grow too, as I did.   

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Pipsy,

I have a lot of trouble with memory l don't remember when the abuse started but it finished at 15.

My parents weren't aware

, my oldest brother was.

My coping strategy was to block out what my childhood abuser and ex husband did which is why it still affects me today, new memories come up.

The brick wall was my depression,

gad ptsd all became out of control which is why my shrink hand picked a psychologist she knew would be able to cope with thre state l was in, good move.

My youngest son was sent to jail and the issues surrounding this l think did me in completely.

I have come a long way since the beginning of last year and do eexperience happy moments, l am walking in the morning and trying to diet, try being the operative word.

Thank you for sharing with me, its not easy is it.

Hugs

Anne

[pipsy]

Hi sweetie,  You're right it's not easy, but it is possible.  A lot of the abuse I can't remember either, but it doesn't matter as I don't wish to.  I'm so sorry about your son going to jail, that certainly wouldn't help.  I'm also trying to diet, same as you.  I think, with me, junk food was also part of my escape.  My brother used to delight in telling me, I was unattractive, fat and would be round as a barrel by the time I was 18.  Abusers do this to justify why they think they have the right to abuse you.  Learning how to face the memories and knowing they can't hurt you is also part of letting go.  My ex was no help, most of my healing eventually came from within.  You have to learn how to knock down that brick wall, that is another area, hopefully, your shrink can assist with.  I became really sick a few years ago and was hospitalized.  During my stay, I saw a counsellor who informed me part of my depression was caused by frustration at not being able to stop what was happening to me.  One thing I did learn was blocking out what happened is actually not good.  Blocking out causes more nightmares.  In order to heal completely, you have to remember what happened so you can face it and know that while it hurt, it's over.  I realize how hard that is to face it, ultra hard, almost more painful than the actual act.  My hate was another obstacle that I had to overcome in order to heal.  I am 65 now, and it's only been the last few years I have actually been in control of my feelings.  I don't have the nightmares anymore, as I said, my brother doesn't figure in my life.  It's a long, hard road, but the end result makes the journey worth it. 

Keep fighting for the you that is buried.  You are a loving person, very hurt, but not as damaged as the person who abused you.  You never abused, that makes you twice the person that your abuser was.