The sad conveyor belt of life

[Neil_1]

Hi  

I feel washed out.   Feel so incredibly tired.  Yet I think that I get an appropriate amount of sleep.  I do dream every night and they range from some being ok ones to some not so flash ones.  Last night was one of the not so flash ones!  😞  

But this cycle just continues on and I’m sick of this.  The conveyor belt of life … on and on it goes, chug chug chug along … the same mundane, boring, monotonous journey, punctuated by the odd injury here and there.  And you know what else … I sit for the most part with a scowl or sorrow etched on my face.  It’s amazing, I can’t cry, but I can’t laugh either.  I used to be able too.  (Oh crap, I finished this message and was going to send, but started to re-read the damn thing and have started to add more stuff!  I’ll send this thing now!)  

 I don’t know what it is … I still go to the gym 5 days a week and the other two days I still do some kind of exercise, which is always of a late arve and I amazingly have energy and enthusiasm for that.  

My mornings of late are becoming a major struggle.  I do get up and get out of bed each day (yes, I know that’s a positive) and I do get to work.  I’m having less sick days than I used to during late last year;  but that’s only because my sick day credits are quite low.  I feel like I’m whining to you all and I HATE that.  

 I’m just so sick of all this.  My eyes just want to close and I think my body wants to do the same thing.  I’m getting worse as time goes by … and all I feel is that by me being this way it HAS to affect my family – my beloved kids and I don’t want them to see me like this and I don’t want them to possibly fall foul of this evil rotten disease.  

I go to my GP and he’s really caring, but at the end of it, he just asks, “What would you like me to do?”  

I go to my psychiatrist and at the end he says, “The best thing we can do is to get you a different or a new job.”  (But that’s so much easier said than done … the current job climate where I am is ‘below zero’ and little sign of it thawing out for a while yet.  So if one has a job, one has to hold onto it in order to get paid.  The dreaded money curse again.  But I had 9 months off last year and I’m back here again and it’s just doing my head in – the other people here – I think I’ve now developed some sort of phobia about them.  It’s not everyone – there’s just five of them – and they’re as cliquey a group as you can get … but it’s their voices that irritate me, their bangles that slap against the desk when they type … and they bag people out … mostly men and mostly their other halves.  Oh jeez, listen to me … whinge whinge, ***** *****!)  Not good Neil.  

 I do have my psychologist appointment coming up – don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but can you believe it;  of all the days it has to be on, it’s on the day at coincides with the day that I couldn’t save my brother and I lost him – lost him forever and from there, the family commenced its demise … due to yours truly.  But then again, as I’ve written before, my brother’s anniversary - 13th Feb - and Dad’s anniversary (what a stupid name association that is for the day that someone dies) – they don’t actually make me feel sadder – because I grieve for them everyday.  It’s a bit like the old Valentine’s Day syndrome … people go nutso because of a particular date and buy flowers, roses, presents etc … just because of a stupid date – why can’t you buy flowers, roses, presents, etc on ANY day during the year?  People have become so … sheep like I think.  I guess this is where I differ … at least I’m not sheep like.  My partner knows never to expect anything on Valentine’s Day, cause I go against the trend and I buy flowers, etc at different times throughout the year.  Much better that way … far more special … as it comes as a massive surprise as opposed to something they are going to expect.  

Oh shite – this was just meant to be a small post just to get some feelings down and to send it off, but I have this stupid thing in my brain that I cannot ever seem to post a short message.  I don’t know why, although I think I do … it’s a feeling of insecurity.  I’m insecure about everything about myself – it’s a weakness. 

All the time while typing this, I have very close to falling asleep and it’s what, 8:40am.  

 That’s it I guess … well actually, that’s not it … there’s so much more, I’ve barely touched the surface there, but for the moment, that’s it.  

Neil

ps:  thanx for reading, and special kudos if you got all the way through.

[Katy100]

I get SPECIAL KUDOS 🙂

Yep, I read it all the way through, Neil ... twice.  

The first thing I want to say is that I totally agree about Valentine's Day ... when my son was younger, he might get his BIG Christmas present in October ... if he was getting something like a bike, why waste half the Summer?  Now he's older, he gets cash some time in December and buys his own things.  

Would it be an idea (and possible) to check out another GP and/or psychiatrist?  Not burning your bridges with the current ones, but seeing if other professionals might be better for you.  

How about an MP3 player (I think that's what they're called) at work to drown out the noise?  

Is there a way to "add value" to your job?  I was once in an incredibly boring job and often had little work to do ... I was frustrated and depressed ... I became a union delegate.  Everyone ... including me ... heaved a great sigh of relief.  

Good on ya for going to the gym.  I used to walk a lot ... but now, when I do, I'm exhausted after a kilometre.  I used to love it ... now it's a chore.  

I have always found that writing helps me ... whether it's a letter, a poem, a post ... so, write away (((Neil))) ... write away as much as you like.  

[Mares73]

Neil please go to the other post you wrote called Tears & I've written several posts you havnt seen yet. Your in my thoughts, heart & spirit & especially today. Pls read my msgs to you? I'm worried & upset for you-just because I hate to know your hurting when you mean so much to me & deserve happiness for yourself. I'll check during day. Hang in there. Remember I'd never felt as low as past few days cause like you my kids are my safety net. But to lose control of my usual thoughts & the depression be even bigger than surviving for my kids-that was terrifying & I never thought I'd be low enough to need an acute team. You are working through a lot, you are physically & emotionally exhausted. It's your turn for support & me & your many friends here will do all we can to support you. Now pls go & read my msgs in your last post-there's two or 3. You don't know how special you are. My spirit is with you. X Maresy

[geoff]

dear Neil, our esteemed friend and my mate, how saddened I really am by your distressing post, it hurts me so much to know the pain you are going through, and god I only wish like hell I could be there with you, I couldn't relieve this pain, but it would a shoulder to learn against, and if I began to cry then you may follow suit.

Some of the people who you respond so brilliantly to might not realise this anguish that comforts you, and sometimes we hide our own sorrows for the benefit of others, and by doing this you excel yourself, but we have to realise that your depression is still there with you, and sometimes by the way you write there are pockets of information that indicate your own depression.

The loss of your beloved brother and your beloved Dad will still remain a memory for life, their birthdays, Xmas as well as yours will be a constant and grieving thought, always with the thought of 'why couldn't I', so these continual thoughts with remain with you for life.

If only we were together you could talk to your hearts content, and maybe a have a cry, because I would cry with you, because you want to tell someone who really understands what's going on, and if only this could be so.

The girls could do their bit as they post so passionately to others, the caring and nurturing that they all have the ability to do, plus their spontaneity, it won't solve your concern but you will at least know that we all care for you.

Have a few days off from replying but I want you to please send us other posts and I hope that we can be of some assistance. That care Mate. Geoff.