Crisis Point

[Mares73]

Hi all, I just wrote a short post in my post called'Monsters in my head'. Then I realised I'm sitting here alone feeling almost too ashamed to come here & talk to you guys so I should do it. I am feeling incredibly low. I feel like I've been overtaken my misery, sadness, loss & feel like a hopeless failure. The past 2 nights I've gone to bed so relieved the day is over & hoping I won't wake up. When I wake in the morning I'm full of dread & fear & severe anxiety. As I mentioned, I could clearly write my own will the state I'm in. I'm so tired of the battles with this illness, the effects on my family & their responses to me. All I can see is a future spend struggling for other people & me not being active or happy during any of it. And it terrifies me the way depression can sometimes just overcome me & I don't know why. Like last week I was good & I managed to have a whole week at home by myself. When I was crying yesterday about how scared I was of these thoughts that seemed to be coming from nowhere & overwhelming me, I said to my husband what do I do when I get this low? And his reply was 'ring your pyschiatrist'. Now if I ring her in this state she will only be concerned about me & will probably suggest hospital or if I explain how I'm truly feeling she will admit me I think. She never has as she knows I have insight & my kids are my safety net. But if she did admit me my husband would flip out as he is travelling for work the next two weeks & we have no support to help us with kids or in a crisis. I feel like my heart is actually physically aching but I can only shed a few tears. Although if someone hit a trigger I'd probably cry for ages. I'm so over this struggle, I'm over having an illness that's still not socially acceptable in the general community. I'm tired of fighting the darkness, doing all the things that are supposed to help & ending up here. I'm only 40 & the last 10 years have just been one long battle with my illness & mu husbands leukaemia. I'm so genuinely frightened of the thoughts that are popping into my head. I'm so alone & desperate. I have a GP & Pysch who just prescribe medication. I feel like I'm drowning and I just want reassurance I won't drown or if I do that it's the best outcome. Love Mares x

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Katy100]

(((Mares)))

Hi, I'm here and I can be here for a while with you.  

I'm just letting you know that someone is around.  I just want to read back on your other thread, so I'll be back in ten.  

[Jo3]

Oh Mares,

I am so sorry you are feeling so low.  If possible can you pls call the BB number and speak to a professional.  They will listen and chat with you.

I feel for you so much, I wish I could help you.  Is it even possible to get an urgent appt to see your GP?

Pls Mares, keep chatting with us, we are here for you, we will listen to you.

I am sending you a huge hug, pls stay safe.

Hope you can chat again soon

Thinking of you today,

Jo xxx

[Katy100]

Ok, I just had another read.  

Things that struck me are ... 

 ... that your husband doesn't seem to be supportive in relation to your conditions.  

 ... that you've been wanting to help yourself, and you've been trying self-help books, that you WANT to get better.

 ... that you love your kids and they are your "safety net".

It seems to me that you have spent a large part of your life helping and supporting other people.  And, from what I've read, you haven't been getting the support that YOU need.  

You also said that you recently had a good week.  

I'm going to post this now and see if you've said any more here.  

[Katy100]

Mares, you said:   

 I feel like I've been overtaken my misery, sadness, loss & feel like a hopeless failure. 

Do you know what I see?  It certainly isn't a hopeless failure.  I see a woman who has faced so many challenges and overcome them.  I see a woman who actively reaches out to others to help.  I see a woman who is the best mum she can be to her kids (and that's all any of us can do).  I see someone who is nice and caring and sends good wishes to other posters here.  

How has your husband been in the past?  Is his attitude to you now different to how it used to be?  

[geoff]

dear Mares, you aren't well at all, but I wouldn't be fearful of the psych admitting you into hospital, because of the reasons you have stated, the kids, and your husband not being able to look after them while he is working, so they realise that by putting you into a hospital would really deteriorate your fragile condition.

It's been a real struggle for you as your husband has leukemia, and we aren't sure on how he is going with regards to this and whether this a great concern for yourself on top of your depression, so all of this is making that mountain higher and higher to be able to climb.

I wonder whether your husband is looking at this as though he is the one with an illness, and that you should be coping, well that's all fine and good, but it's two way concern here, and both are considered to be life threatening which ever way you look at this situation.

Your the one who has posted, and you are the one with a serious illness that IS SO HARD to overcome, so we have to take your post as the one we have to address.

You are fondly admired by those who you reply back to, so your love and concern for your kids and those on this site mean the world to you, and boy speaking for myself I know this disillusional feeling that nothing seems to get any better, day after day it's all the same, and day after day we wonder why the hell this bl-----y illness has struck you, me and all the others, unfortunately I can't give you an answer, all I know is that it destroys all of our good will and everything that once we enjoyed. L Geoff. x

[iamsotired]

Hi Mares

i hear what you are saying

that you are at present soul caretaker for your children 

supporter for your husband

what I am about to write is not to receive sympathy for me, but to try and show I partly understand how you are feeling

 my children were 3 & 5 I had breast cancer 18 months later (ex) husband had cancer so I feel and understand your pain, fatigue and haunting thoughts

that is what is good about this forum we are writing to those who have been there and we are attempting to support each other

 You are NOT a failure.

through what you have written you have revealed insight into your own situation and you have reached out. For that like you should be congratulated

i am a recent member of this forum and I wish I had joined earlier, but we have both now made a big step and with the help of others here, I believe we will move forward, even if it is only using baby steps.

so never forget we are here for you

take care and a big hug

[Mares73]

Hi all, I have just had the worst last 3 days I can remember feeling this low. I truly feel as though my thoughts are being controlled by an outside force. I'm having terrifying thoughts, I don't feel myself & for the first time I genuinely want it all to end. I feel so desperate & alone. I have no family or friends around me & my husband left today to work in NZ for the next 2 was (he will just return for the wend).im very overwhelmed by feeling I've lost control of my thoughts. Also what about my kids? My sons only 9 & all his friends are away so I feel sick about being in this state he would just have to watch tv. I want to take him out. But all the things I want that sound so simple like getting dressed, leaving the house etc have become a fear. I just want to be able to face each day & cope as I go along but instead I feel overtaken my complete doom & can't get it together to care for myself let alone organise activities. I'm extremely anxious & have no interest in absolutely anything. All I'm trying to do is survive each day & when my life is reduced to that-it makes me question things. I have a terrible GP & Pysch & some of my feelings could be a result of the conflicting & strange combination of meds I'm on. So I know I need a new GP & pysch-I guess I've felt so low to get the motivation to find other ones. Tonight I feel broken by this illness, that it has invaded my life & taken away my happiness & hope. I used to be so sociable & popular & now I'm a wreck hiding behind closed doors. And it's the constant battle to try & beat it. My husband said to me before he left today that he was a senior partner at work & wives attend functions & it was getting to the point he was tired of making excuses for me. I said to him "do you think I enjoy feeling like this?). Nearly bedtime I love that. It's the morning I dread because I don't know how low I'll feel. And I'm alone & very frightened.  X Mares

[beyondblue_Online_Communi]

Dear Mares73,

We are getting quite concerned about your safety given your recent posts. It’s very clear you are feeling really low and understandable you are having suicidal thoughts.
  We feel that at this point you need a review with a mental health professional and some extra support. We know you have mentioned that you don’t feel supported by your psychiatrist and GP, however they know your history and would be a good place to start so you’re not telling your story over again when you are feeling so down. They are also aware of your medications and will be able to review them immediately. We would strongly recommend you to contact your psychiatrist today.
  Another option could be to contact your local area mental health service.
  We think it’s important that you initiate this contact today so you can be actively involved in the plan to get you through this difficult time.   We know your kids are extremely important to you, and for this reason it’s imperative that you work out a support plan today.   If you feel like talking through things with someone will help you initiate some support please contact the beyondblue helpline on 1300 22 4636.

As we are so concerned for your safety we need to be clear you have sought support. Please let us know what your plan is.

[Mares73]

Hi & I'm sorry to have caused such concern. I realised when I woke in tears this morning that I couldn't get through another day feeling this low, desperate & confused. I have called the Beyond Blue helpline & after discussion I was transferred to the local acute mental health team.  The team have phoned me & will be visiting me at home today. I also have details for a Clinical Pyschologist in my area. And I will follow this up. I have also spoken to my 14yr old daughter who is very supportive, caring & understanding. I think my biggest fear was that I felt I had no control over the thoughts & I had never experienced complete loss or awareness of what I was experiencing during an episode of depression previously. I feel very frightened that my mind could be overwhelmed by such terrifying thoughts, that my thoughts had no boundaries or limits. I have always generally had an awareness of the times I've experienced depression & learnt to do things like read to escape it. But this time I felt as though I was struggling just to physically exist & get through each day. I felt sad, hopeless, anxious & afraid of how much worse my thoughts would get as I felt no power over them-I literally felt overtaken by another force. Thankfully the acute team will be here soon & I will post after they have visited. Your care, support & concern is much appreciated. Mary (Mares73)