The root of my problem

[just_a_girl]

I have recently been diagnosed with depression. I think that deep down I always knew that, but hearing someone else say it really shook me. It was a difficult journey to announce that I had a problem, to be precise it took me four years. No one around me knew that there was this inner turmoil going on within me. Neither my friends nor my family.   

My mother was shocked and so saddened, when my school counselor told her I had a problem, she was visibly unnerved by the unexpected events. She held me in her arms and asked me why I felt this way. I didn't know how to answer her because I wasn't even sure of the root of my problem myself.   

We cried and I took a couple of days off school so that we could go see our GP. He recommended we go see a psychiatrist and he gave us all the relevant information that we needed. I had to wait a month before I got to see him.   

Our first session was of me practically telling him all the things I have been going through. Generally the things that I have been unable to say out loud to people before. That first session left me in tears due to confronting my suicide attempts, feeling of worthlessness and incompetence, and the black pitch of darkness that was loneliness.     

We have yet come to a conclusion as to why I am like this, but I am afraid that I have come to a deduction myself. And what I think is the root of my depression is not something I am happy to admit.     

The reason for my depression is my mother.     

When she held me in her arms and ask me why I am feeling depressed, she asked me whether it was due to her. At that time she was already sobbing. So I took her into my own arms and told her that it wasn’t.    

I think that the reason I didn’t say anything at the time was because she was so anguished already, I didn’t want to upset her anymore.    

My mother can be a rather terrifying person. When she is angry, for some reason I am so scared for my life.     

She has never been violent to me, but for some reason when she is angry I am so scared. The basic relationship of a mother and daughter should not be like this, yet this is how it is for me. Our relationship dynamic consists of her being angry and me being submissive and cowering away in silence until she has calmed down enough so that I can apologise to her without angering her further.    

Don’t think that she is a bad person. She is a good mother and when she is not angry she is a great friend. A lovely woman who is tough, strong, funny, sweet, beautiful and capable.     

But then why am I so terrified of her?     

Depressed and Disheartened  

[Mbuna]

Just A Girl,

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time.  I sounds like your mum has some issues as well. If you think your mum is the cause of your problems, then you need to let her know. I don't know your mum or the extent of her anger issues. I'm not sure if telling her about it may make her angry but if she has asked if she is causing your problems already, I think she has a pretty good idea. Maybe you could talk to your counselor about it first. Depression can often be hereditary. Anger and frustration is often a side affect. Your mum needs to be made aware of the affect her anger is having on you. I know you may be scared of her reaction, but she needs to know. You will probably find that she has no idea how scared you are of her and how her anger makes you feel. You cant keep living your life in total fear. Maybe a joint counseling session would be good idea. That way you can get things off your chest in a neutral setting. Ask your counselor or physiologist about this. See if they think its a good idea.

You are still young and you are getting treatment. Depression is a treatable illness. I am confident you can get on top of it with the right help. Try and keep your chin up and stay positive. Now that you have started seeking help, things should slowly start getting better.

Mbuna

[Katy100]

Hi just_a_girl,

Can I call you JAG?  Because I don't think that you are JUST a girl.  You are a very intelligent person, an incredibly caring and loyal daughter, and you are extremely courageous.  

I wrote a poem a while back about my own mother who was abusive.  I haven't got a copy of it handy, but the last line read something like "Why do I hurt you?  Because I am your mother and I can".  

I'd like to hear a bit more about YOUR mother.  I notice you call her "my mother" not Mum ... this was one of the things I did ... she may have been a mother, but she wasn't a "Mum".  

How are you doing at school?  

Do you have siblings or close friends to support you?  

[just_a_girl]

I've already talked to my mum about this and I did talk a little bit about it with my psychiatrist. When I told her how scared I was, her response was to keep questioning as to why. But I had no answer as to why I was afraid of her.

That day when I talked about how I felt and she went outside to take a smoke, I tried to kill myself but I wasn't successfull.

When she found me, her tone was one of exasperation and we have yet to have a full conversation with one another. 

Depressed and Worthless

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[just_a_girl]

Yes you can call me JAG if you wish.

I use to call her my mum, but that was when I was fully conscious of the abusive nature of our relationship. 

I am currently on my holidays, but will be returning to school in a couple of weeks. I have friends but none of them have any idea what I am going through. I am an only child. Currently the only person I feel comfortable talking to is my psychiatrist and I only see him once a month. 

What exactly is it that you would like to know about her?

Depressed and Lonely

[Katy100]

Thanks, JAG.  

My mother was a narcissist.  

So, I was wondering about your mother and how she might compare ... 

I found it helpful to understand what was happening in our relationship.  

One thing I found to be good was to share my feelings about my mother ... I ranted and raved for ages ... 

I wish that when I was your age (I'm 52), someone had said to me that it's ok to criticize your mother.  I really only felt free to do that when I was in my 40s and she was dead.  

One thing about my mother (and many similar mothers) was that she would hide the photos of me that made me look attractive, and display the ugly ones.  

So, you've shared some of the things about your mother ... she's angry ... she perhaps wanted to be the centre of attention when your depression was diagnosed ... you are scared of her ... you understand that this is not a normal mother/child relationship ... what else has happened?  

That is ... what else has happened that you are comfortable to share?  

[geoff]

dear JAG, I'm pleased that you have connected with Mbuna and Katy, so sorry if I am a male, but their comments and the discussion I agree with totally.

What I am worried about has your mother ever threatened you, or has she hit you in the past.

I also agree that she knows that she is the one that is causing all of this trouble, but hasn't got the nerve to admit to it, and unfortunately that's what these type of people do.

There would be no way at all you could talk to your mother, because you are frightened at what she may do, so this relationship is very tenable.

The discussion between you and the psychiatrist should remain between the both of you only, and not to let on to your mother what was said, because she will take revenge on anything you say, or argue with you, and that's not good for your safety. Geoff. x

How old are you if you don't mind saying.

[just_a_girl]

I am currently 17 years old, and no my mother has never threatened or hit me before. If anything our relationship might be perceived as a happy one and at times it can be, but growing up in an Asian family, she tends to be taut and high strung about the littlest thing, usually suppressing me so that I won't and can't talk back (this is excluding homework and studying, we're not in that stereotypical dynamic of an asian family) 

[just_a_girl]

Generally she is not a person that seeks attention or anything like that. I just feel that I do not meet up to her standard and I might as well be an invisible wall to her. My existence doesn't really penetrate to her. My lingering question that keeps repeating on a constant cycle is whether she would notice or care if I wasn't there?

Honestly I don't think she would.

[Katy100]

Hi JAG, 

What came across to me earlier was that your mother wasn't so much interested in YOUR feelings, but her own comfort.  She seemed to want reassurance that she was not to blame ... that's what I meant about being the "centre of attention".  

JAG, when kids try to kill themselves, most mothers/parents don't react with "exasperation".  

I'm not trying to set you against your mother, just to give you a different perspective.  Although, I think you already understand a fair amount about your relationship. 

OK, you're 17 ... you have rights ... where would you like to go from here?  What are your ideas on your future?