That uncontrolled crazy feeling

[Gingerninja]

Hi People out there in cyberspace,

I'm hoping that sharing this with you will help me come to terms with my psychological problems. It's hard to talk to people in person about the craziness in your head. The thing that sucks the most is I KNOW that I have nothing to be depressed /anxious about. You know, the standard first world problems type of disorder: I have a house, partner, am an engineer, fit, good family, friends, awesome dog.

I'm an almost 30yo f, who has just had a major depressive episode, where I did some pretty stupid things. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for 18 years with varying degrees of success. I'm successful in my job (apparently) however, just recently I noticed all those symptoms coming back, the self doubt, loathing, hatred, anger, frustration and crying. 

I didn't act on the symptoms 6-8 weeks ago and then they just progressively got worse.

I am currently working away, which is a pressure cooker environment, and in a nutshell, I had a few drinks, got into a massive argument with someone, ended up in tears and then ended up self harming because it seemed like a good thing to do at the time. So.... now I have had to take time off work, to pretty much try to sort out my head again. The embarrassment, shame, guilt and additional self loathing of being such a nut case is even more depressing and just frustrating. I'm so concerned that I have totally wrecked my career and I am dreading returning to work, because I know that I'm definitely a nutcase and how am I going to cope with having to show my face there again?

i want to know if anyone else ever gets tired of working on their mental health? Does it wear you down to the point where sometimes you just slip back into bad habits, because sometimes you are just too tired, or can't be bothered? 

I also want to know if anyone else here has violent fits of uncontrollable crying or urges to hit something? Sometimes I want to hurt myself so that I won't feel anything. 

How do I cope going back to work? And trying to repair the damage that I have done?

I'm starting to realise that this is a lifelong condition for me, and I'll always have to filter and work on my thinking. It's a scary thought.

So the other thing is I know I'm doing all the right things now, seen my GP and had my meds adjusted, got a new MHCP, booked in to see the psych.

What I hate most is that there are people out there, including people on here, who are suffering from far more tragic circumstances, wether it be relationships, hardship, bullying, family issues or health problems, and yet I sit here with no perceptible problems apart from self inflicted misery.

Ginger ninja.

[incubus]

Hi Gingerninja,

I know the feeling of feeling depressed in spite of taking for granted things that probably many people on BB, and even just generally in society, only dream of.  Don't let yourself believe that this makes your illness any less real.  If it's how you feel then it is how you feel.  I actually found that it felt a little more scary.. having no major obstacles in my life yet still feeling depressed.  I often wonder how people who suffer from genuine disadvantage, or disability, or poverty, manage to find peace and happiness..  Clearly, I don't have the answer to that.  I do think I can offer some advice about returning to work.  

Most of your anxiety will be unfounded.  People are more self-absorbed than you think and anything you have done will have been less significant in their life than it currently is in yours.  Thirdly, people will remember how you bounce back from the event more than the event itself.  It will be important for yourself to hold your head up high and show some ticker.  People will respect you for it.

Apologise to the person you argued with, especially if you were in the wrong.  Tell them how sorry you are and how you regret that it happened.  Try not to be too hard on yourself.

Focus on the mental health strategies that come most naturally to you and require the least conscious effort.  Seek the things that make you happy and content often.  Ask those around you to pick you up when you falter. Remember how awesome you are.

Hope some of that is remotely helpful.

[Beetle]

HI

I know where you are coming from I have had MDD and GAD for ages but started treatment only recently. Since then I realize how sick I was. Now I feel normal and communicating and acting is effordless. Before the meds At work I always felt like an alien and had to filter my behavior and what I say. I was exhausted from that for decades....

 If i'm not medicated properly I want to extinguish the aweful feelings in my soul with alcohol and selfharm and doing stupid things and I nearly killed myself in the process. Accidental suicide its called I think.....

In your case you are on meds- maybe yours are wearing off and you need a higher dose or a different type? Going to psych sounds good!

Good luck and don't  be too hard on yourself. its not you its the disease!

All the best

Beetle

[Neil_1]

Hi Ginge-Ninje 🙂

Way to go for coming to Beyond Blue and posting your story ... that does take effort and that's another positive step that you've made.

Wow, you've received some awesome advice from both incubus and Beetle.  I can't really add to much more to what they advised, only to say that the things that you're now putting into place are really excellent and positive things.  You are ticking all the right boxes and doing the right things in order to help combat what you're battling.

And as you know, you're not alone ... and it doesn't matter from what echelon of society you come from ... what you've got behind you;  cars, house, wealth, poverty, children, job, you name it ... it just doesn't matter.  For this disease can (and does) latch itself onto anyone.

You've got it and that means you need care and support and assistance as much as anyone else.

If this is your first psych session a little tip that I like to give out is beforehand, either write (but much easier to type) out dot points of issues that are troubling you;  the more the merrier, as they say.  And when you're there, if you feel you've forgotten something, you've got your dot points to refer too.   And no doubt you'll have a few sessions booked;  so afterwards, you can cross off the ones that you feel you've got nailed (otherwise leave them) and from that session to the next, if you think of anything else (and I generally do) you can add that.

Hope you can stay with us and look forward to hearing again from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[Gingerninja]

Hi guys,

I really appreciate your responses, as I am off work and sitting on my **** being very bored, waiting for responses and being too unmotivated to go to the gym or pool. I'm due to go back to work Monday, but as I said before.... Pooping my pants!!!

neil - thanks for the advice. I have been before (this round 3 or 4), but I have never written my thoughts down beforehand. I might give it a go, although to be honest, I'm scared about how stupid they will look on paper... It might be better to keep them nice and locked away in the Pandora's box compartment of my brain!

beetle - my meds have been adjusted again. I'm very disappointed, because I had been trying to reduce the dose over the last 9 months as things were going so well prior to the 'episode' 

incubus - (I'm working backwards here), thanks for the work advice... It's definitely given me something to think about, and I think you suggestions are good. I just need to find the courage.

I'm in that zombie phase after a major episode, so everything is slightly surreal and numb... Been spending time googling "depression in third world countries" to establish the validity of what I think/feel... Not very helpful, but surprisingly there is some interesting research out there.

anyway, thanks again people, your generosity is amazing, and hopefully I will be able to contribute to all of your stories as well. 

Ginger ninja.

[Neil_1]

Hey Ginge-Ninge (hope you don't mind the abbreviation, but I've always wanted to call someone that) - ok,that's not really true, I just like the way it sounds.  🙂

This is really quick, cause I've gotta head ... BUT, it's great that you've got some days off;  and in that time, I WANT you to get to the gym and have some major workout sessions.  Can you do that?  I LOVE the gym, it is my sanctuary where I can go and smash my particular body parts that I'm targetting for that particular day and it's an absolute brilliant release.

But you've also got the pool ... another great activity.

Ginge-Ninje, I can see we're gonna have a lot of communication over these next few days ... and you're possibly gonna hate me, cause I'm gonna try and push you to get out there and get into it.  🙂

Bye for now,

Neil

[incubus]

Don't worry too much about it, I am sure that courage will find you.  Would be interested to hear what your googling yielded.  Thanks for your contribution to my own thread 🙂

[MaryG]

Hey Gingerninja,

as you've seen by the other responses, your problems are no less important than anyone else's regardless of their circumstances. 

A public blow out is tough to come back from, but like someone else said, the other people are probably so self absorbed that they have already moved on.I try sometimes to put myself in their shoes and I realise that my blow out or odd behaviour is unlikely to stay in their minds for long. If it does its because people are genuinely concerned for me.

I understand the uncontrolled crazy feeling and the desire for self harm just to relieve the pressure. I have a lot less now that my medication is working better but I still have a few episodes. I am like you in that it's not obvious why all the time. Many years of behaving a certain way and suppressing my feelings is what they tell me. 

I hope your return to work is OK.

Mary

[Gingerninja]

Once again, thanks guys.

Neil - the abbreviation is cool... I like it 🙂 I'm feeling ok at this very moment I time, but considering I just slept and wasted time in the dark playground for pretty much 3 days, I suppose it's time I actually attempt to leave the house. 

Incubus - I contributed some more to you. 

Mary G - thanks for your kind works

in general this has been a good experience. It's been enlightening and sad to see other people personal struggles and it makes me feel less alone, and less crazy. It is so hard to talk to people who don't relate... 

thanks guys...

Ginger ninja.

[Neil_1]

Hi Ginge-Ninje

You know I think it's even more than that ... where you said, it's hard to talk to people who don't relate or understand mental illness.  But for me, this IS my outlet, because I find it difficult to talk if people DO understand.

Although when I say that, I find if I'm absolutely trapped and have to talk, I guess I will, but for the most part, I'll try to avoid people so I don't have to "think of things to say".

Don't know if that makes sense or others are like that, but it's all the small talk bs that happens ... and damnit every person you meet or at a shop, the first thing is:  "How are you?"

My daughter and I have just got back from the shops ... we went to a pet store to get some food for her bunnies and a new squeaky toy for our dog.  Into the store and this woman follows us till we stop.  "Anything I can help you with?"   Oh, ok, well I'll be right over here.

So we got the food and the toy ... a rather large looking bone shaped thing that, yep you guessed it, squeaks.

So the woman said, "Oh what kind of dog do you have?"  and so we answered, and ya da ya da ya da, we were out of there.

I said to my daughter on the way home, that that woman was kinda nosey.  I said, "When she asked what kind of dog we have, I should have said, we don't have a dog, we've just got a giant bunny that loves dogs toys".  My daughter laughed at that.  🙂  🙂

Over and out

Neil