telling my story here first before face to face with counsellor

[Maggie_Mae]

Hi all, I've struggles with deppression on and off most of my life. My life looks great from the outside and is pretty good amazing husband and beautiful children. I have spent so much time forgetting my past and seemed successful till resently when it all came rushing back to my memory. After several attempts of talking to a GP, I have done it and booked counsellor appiontment. I am scaried for the first time telling my story to be face to face so venting here first. Hope that's okay.

i apologies as it may not be coherent.just need to get it out of my head

Great childhood, loving parents life was good till one day in high school what seemed like a normal day changed in a split second. He pushed me up against the brick wall And my life changed forever, I was to scaried to speak up, grades dropped a teacher ask why I tried to explain I could see the frustration in her face and was told to speak to the counsellor if I have issues, he was less than helpful saying boys will be boys. I never talked about it again even though it continues for 2years. I turned to self harm and it seemed to help. I am not sure how or when but somewhere along the way i was able to live life and 'forget'.

faat forward 10 yrd and life was good I was pregnant with my second child I went for on appointment and was rushed to hospital as my baby was In danger he was born few hours later. I remember looking at the doctors rushing around with all types of equipment and feeling like a failure as a mother for not protecting my child. Since then I have been living the days struggling with depression on and off till a few months back j decided to see a GP. I become so scaried to say out loud I need help I lied and ended up sitting in my car wanting to self harm once again. Which throw me straight back to the days of needing self harm to survive the pain.

Forgetting the past didn't work so now it's time to deal with it. Thanks so much for reading sorey it was so long.

[james1]

Hi Maggie,

Thanks so much for replying here and giving us an update!

As Mary said, we can really struggle telling people and psychologists are really used to that.

On my first session, I blabbered and got to the end thinking, "Oh damn. There's the hour and all I've done is talk incoherently and cry a lot." I told a friend this and they told me to make sure I had a list for next time. So in my second session, I brought a list, then I blabbered and got to the end thinking the exact same damn thing, haha! But the third time was better, and the fourth better after that. And I started showing my psychologists the letters to my ex that I'd written but not sent, the texts I had actually impulsively sent, the diary I'd been keeping etc. That way I didn't have to actually say anything.

The difficulty you're facing is not a failure on your part. It simply means it's really really hard for you, because you've had a really traumatic experience.

Do you think you could have someone close to you accompany you to the psychologist and wait for you? It can be really helpful having that support. Either way, I really encourage you to go for your second session - my thoughts and hugs are with you Maggie!

James